This post is business-pointless

WARNING: I’m telling you right now that this post has absolutely no relevance to business whatsoever and will be irrelevant to most of you. But it’s the week before Christmas and I’m in a festive, fun mood and kind of don’t feel like talking about money and business. So I’m going to talk about Bakugan. Oh, and there’s an expert interview at the end.

Anyway.

You may remember that a few weeks ago, I talked about how to get what you really want, and the example I gave of “outside the box logic” was my son Austin’s quest to figure out how to get a new Bakugan toy. Well… “What is Bakugan?” you may ask. And yeah, I hear you. What the hell is Bakugan? Because I didn’t get it either. It was a set of toys and it was a cartoon TV show, and it was somehow also a game. Beyond that I was lost.

So I started a bit of an anthropological study to find out more about this obsession of my son’s. I checked out the toys and watched the Bakugan Battle Brawlers: New Vestroia show a few times. And after much research and introspection, I can report my findings to all of you in blogland:

1. Bakugan are balls that turn into things and fight, not unlike how balls cause many human fights (and, ironically, are a weakness in said fights).

2. Bakugan are creatures from another dimension called Vestroia. They came here when someone ripped a fucking hole in the fucking universe, fucking AGAIN.

3. Bakugan are somehow paired with humans, most of whom are androgynous and have gigantic eyes and/or strange eyewear.

4. Said humans solve their interpersonal disputes by throwing their Bakugan forward dramatically amidst exciting graphics. EX: “Meatloaf for dinner AGAIN? Bakugan brawl!” [Exaggerated fight sequence commences]

5. Bakugan exist as floating toys with excellent merchandise tie-ins. If you want to turn them into giant flamboyant monsters, you throw them in an unnecessarily dramatic manner onto cards. This process then generates more exciting graphics.

6. During fight sequences, the human keepers tell the Bakugans what to do by holding up cards in the way a referee at a soccer match would hold up a yellow or red card and yelling, “Ability activate!” and then some other word intended to describe more exciting graphics. Then there are graphics and much yelling. Several times during fights, someone yells “Noooo!” amidst graphics that somehow signify tension. Sometimes the Bakugan are given armor or weapons. When this happens, the parties cease fighting long enough for the receiving Bakugan to star in a brief, 360-degree-showcased transformation sequence not unlike something you might see in Knight Rider reruns.

7. At least 75% of the show is spent in said exciting fight sequences.

8. It is in no way clear why anyone is fighting.

Many questions remained after my study. Why all the brawling? Why. when two people have a dispute, does one never simply punch the other in the groin? Why is everything solved via Bakugan in the same way that pro wrestlers solve even personal fights with pile drivers and leg locks? So, I decided to interview an expert.

This 4 1/2 minute interview with a Bakugan authority should set the rest of the issue straight for anyone with lingering concerns.

Enjoy, and happy holidays to you all. (Regardless of which holiday you choose. Yes, even the weird ones.)

.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.


.

(If you don’t see the player above because you’re reading on Facebook or in a feed, you’ll want to click through to the original post.)


Now that you've read this post, go here:
WHAT DEFINES YOU?

Comments

  1. Ann McMahon says:

    How cute is your expert? I’d love to see his face when you play him this in ten years time.
    Can you let him know this has cleared up a lot of confusion for me, I appreciate it. I hope Santa Claus brings him all the Bakugan stuff that can fit in his sack ;)

  2. TaraFly says:

    Posts like these are the best! Sometimes we just need to stop processing information, and begin appreciating the humor and senselessness around us. LOL

    I have no clue what Bakugan is… and thanks to your insightful (and insanely cute) interview, I still have no clue what Bakugan is. But that’s okay!
    I’ll just try to avoid people who throw balls at me. ;)

  3. YGO TAS fan says:

    If you think fighting with monsters that live inside balls is silly, then you should check out Yu Gi Oh where the fighting happens with holograms of montsers who live inside cards! Google in Yu Gi Oh The Abridged Series for one very talented guy’s (LittleKuriboh) take on the silliness of this anime genre. Hillarious! Hope you enjoy it…

  4. YGO TAS fan says:

    Sorry for the double post…here’s the link to YGOTAS first ep
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbS4EvZuw1M

  5. John says:

    Very insightful. So, did they get that whole thing with the doom dimension figured out then, or is that what happened to Old Vestroya? I still don’t know who masquerade is/was or how to use traps in the game (they aren’t round, thus don’t roll). The little instruction book needs much more detail.

  6. Mike Carlson says:

    Their fighting over oil man. It’s all about that black gold.

  7. Johnny says:

    So I’ve watched a few more episodes with him and nothing has become clearer. Anyone looking for better insight should contact John above, who seems to kind of understand it. Doom dimension? Using traps in the game? I’m totally lost.

    Because that’s the other thing for people who haven’t been exposed to Bakugan yet: it is also somehow a game, but nobody knows how to play it. I think you roll the Bakugan around randomly and enjoy watching them open up into the monster thingies when the magnets in them roll over the metal cards. But the opening of the Bakugan seems to be the whole point, kind of like that stupid game “Mousetrap” with that elaborate mousetrap contraption in the middle… and nobody gave a shit about the game because you’d just want to set off the mousetrap over and over. And then it got old and you threw it away.

    Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone.

  8. Erica says:

    I hope Austin jumped on your free blog promo. He is clearly well positioned to become an expert in a (very) niche market. I admire his savvy, though I must say that I remain utterly baffled as to what Bakugan really are. Maybe Austin will be able to tell us more when he’s had time to get to know the new Bakugan that doubtless showed up for a Christmas visit?

  9. Johnny says:

    Way ahead of you… I’m actually already trying to think of ways he can start his own little niche business and collect a few bucks here and there from affiliate commissions via something simple like Amazon. He’s got to be able to read and write better first, but I think it could be hella fun. (I considered briefly that he could do reviews via video before the reading/writing got really good, but the net is way too creepy for me to endorse much public video.)