NOTE: Before you start reading this super-fantastic holiday post, I wanted to remind you that my rates are going up on January 1st and to let you know that I’m once again offering FREE BLOG SETUPS for a limited time. If you’ve been holding off on working with me on something, now’s the time to do it!
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This time of year, you start asking Jewish people if they’re tired of Christmas getting all the air time and usually they’ll say no, that it’s all good, that holidays are holidays and it’s all about family in the end. But I think that’s a bunch of bullshit. I think that those same Jews are fuming silently in their synagogues (or perhaps in the delis of Stereotype Town, while Chinese drivers swerve recklessly outside to avoid white people who can’t dance and black men stooped over due to the weight of their giant penises) and they’re maybe doing that Grinchy musing thing, plotting make Christmas humble so that it’ll finally show some respect to the Festival of Lights.
But it’s cool. People who aren’t so into Christ (at least in the Christmasy way) have kind of made a habit of X’ing him out of the equation anyway, and going on to celebrate Xmas without attending Jesus’s birthday party. And that even kind of makes sense to me in a weird way, because Jesus is never actually at any of the parties I’ve attended. And on the rare occasion that he is, he’s way up at the front of the room, nailed to a cross. Dude. This is how we celebrate a birthday? I don’t think so.
This time of year, my family typically puts in a quick appearance at one of these in-absentia parties, but it’s the kind of appearance where we’re checking our watches a lot while everyone is sitting around drolling out bad songs and I can totally see Jesus up in Heaven, looking down at all of these lame parties that are being held in his name, and you know he’s like, “Dude, WTF?”
I mean, this is the King of Kings we’re talking about. You know that his REAL party is at the most awesome McDonald’s PlayLand ever, with like rocket slides and miles-deep ball pits and shit, and the A-listers are bringing him like the coolest GI Joes and they’re awesome and have a bunch of weapons and accessories and all that but Jesus is like, “Dude, my dad’s God; thanks for the GI Joes but I have the whole set so YOU keep them,” and then he’s handing out gift bags but they’re not just full of fancy shit like at a Hollywood bash, no, they’re full of like LOVE and HAPPINESS and fucking AWESOME NINJA SKILLS and everyone’s like, “Dude, Jesus, thanks!” and he’s like, “It’s cool bro; take some diamonds on your way out” and then he does this triple back flip off the top of the playground thing because he can do all kinds of tricks like that, and he’s allowed to do it because, you know, he’s Jesus.
So call it a rationalization, but I figure it’s okay to ditch a lot of that because Jesus is WAY COOL and if he were here with me right now, he’d be reading this over my shoulder and laughing, and then we’d go eat a Toaster Strudel.
The important thing? That you be awesome to people during the holidays. Or rather, be awesome to people all the time, but try at this time of year to remember why it’s important. And at this point, still reading over my shoulder, Jesus would be dead serious with me. He’d be like, “Yeah, be cool. Love your families. In fact, you can go ahead and just love everyone. Even Spencer Pratt. Yeah, you heard me.”
And I’m pretty sure you can do that even without buying things. Although my son, he’d get mad if we just loved him in the absence of material proof of said love. Even though he’s still at the age that we could safely defer most of the blame to Santa (“drunk again; what a shame”), I still think some of it would filter down and the house would be a lot less loverly.
See, the thing is that now that I have kids, I truly get that Christmas is not about receiving gifts. That’s such a weird realization. And I’m not at all lying; I DON’T CARE ABOUT GETTING GIFTS. I mean, yeah, it’s great to get stuff. I do like things. But last year, I was at my in-laws’, and we were all done with the presents and although I hadn’t realized it, the folks had gotten me like $15 worth of stuff, which is well under the norm. And then my mother-in-law told me that my “big gift” was up in the living room and it hit me: I had no idea that the balance sheet suggested I had a “big gift” coming. I had gotten like $15 of stuff and was perfectly content.
I realized that for the first time, I guess I’m truly a big old retarded boring adult. I didn’t care about getting. It was so much nicer to watch my kids, and to give stuff.
That was awesome.
That’s a lesson that can’t be taught. It has to be learned experientially, like the way you have to experience what the Matrix is. Because it’s Santa-Santa-Santa when you’re a kid, and when you grow up, it just changes to Santa by proxy – Santa by proxy – Santa by proxy. It used to be “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and then it’s “I want an Xbox.” And as you get older, you might keep the entitlement mentality while forgetting about Santa. (He’s now up at Jesus’s bash anyway, I think.) And Rudolph? You have to figure that he probably has a contentious relationship with his crew anyway, because he has fuck-you power with that nose of his — and has to be jaded.
Think about it. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. But then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?” And then Rudolph was like, “Oh, now you want my help? Now that it’s fucking nasty outside and you can’t fly your fucking fat ass in your fucking sleigh through the fucking fog to deliver your fucking presents? Where were you when I was enduring soap-in-a-sock beatings? Where were you when I was assaulted in the showers?”
So forget that crew. And forget about the religion if you’re not into that, and forget about Jesus and his bash if you’re not Christian, and forget the Xbox and the stockings and stuff and just be cool. Just try to relax a tad and hang out with your family if you have one, or hang out with your friends if you don’t or if your family sucks.
Happy or merry whatever, everyone.
Nothing to add here. Just giving the wishes back and looking forward to a nice holiday season.
Thanks, man! Right back at you.
So J what was your “big present”? lol
Hey Johnny, I totally get that not caring about getting presents thing. It’s all about the kids for me. And oh yeah, Jesus was totally way cool – check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGz3wO1zxao.
Happy (insert holiday here), everybody!
While I don’t have the relationship history you share with big J, I knew deep down in my soul that he would share my love of Toaster Strudels. Thank you for verifying this.
I’m going to print this post out to show to anyone who comes over and asks why the Jews have a holiday tree. As usual, I’m blaming JBT.
And the Pagans. Mustn’t forget the Pagans… After all, they started this whole tree business in the first place…
@Bosie – It was one of those big red Craftsman tool chest set thingies. Practical, needed, but not exactly an Xbox. Still way cool.
@Mike – Man, I remember that song. The best part? When he gives his approval of the fish thing on the car.
@Jess – It’s just because you want to belong. Everyone loves Christmas. Except Satan, but he’s a dick.
In my mind, Jesus actually spells it out loud, all valley-like: DubbleYew-Tee-Eff!
This will be our first Christmas with offspring, and while he’s too young to appreciate gifts yet (content to sit in his own poo), I feel like I’ve already gotten to that place of not caring about gettting. Wife and I are talking about what to get each other and it invariable comes to: what can we pool our money to get for “us”? Can’t wait til I can get that mojo from seeing the squirt’s face light up when we throw some giftage at him.
Gently, of course.
Dude – you were robbed. You got what’s basically the biggest pair of socks on the planet, in the form of a Craftsman toolbox.
I’m kidding – those toolboxes are awesome. Of course, now you’ll be fixing everything – you’ll be “Johnny with the bog toolbox” and the relatives will be ALL OVER YOUR ALL to fix shit.
Happy Whatever tho, dude – I have a 6yr old guy, I totally get what you’re sayin.
And that “ALL OVER YOUR ALL” should have been “ALL OVER YOUR ASS”. I have a cold, it’s not my fault.
Make “bog”, “big”. Seriously – fucking cold.
The word Christmas originated as a compound meaning “Christ’s Mass”. Some people erroneously believe that the term “Xmas” is part of an effort to “take Christ out of Christmas” or to literally “X out Christ”. They are mistaken.
In Greek, the letter Χ (chi), is the first letter of Christ, and it, or the similar Roman letter X, has been used as an abbreviation for Christ since the mid-16th century. “Christ” was often written as “XP” or “Xt”. By saying or writing “Xmas”, you’re still putting Christ first, they way it should be.
Merry Christmas, Johnny!
The X and I used to avoid church on two days, the same two days the E&C crowd would make their twice yearly appearance.
I’m just glad to know I’m not to only one who pictures Jesus as a pot smokin’ hippie.
I’m currently stuck with a mental image of Rudolph having been the victim of a “Code Red”, followed by tense courtroom drama in which Clarice’s dad shouts things like, “I haul Santa’s ass around the world in under 24 hours, under fire from rebel armies and people who’re pissed that they’re on the ‘naughty list’. Reindeer games?!? You can’t HANDLE reindeer games!!”
Beyond that, I dig the whole “put a little love in your heart” holiday vibe. Watching my kids’ faces light up when they talk about all of the little things they love about it really is just about the best thing that there is in life.
Except, perhaps, mad ninja skillz.
Freakin’ hilarious, especially the Rudolph “True Story” … thanks. Happy whatever to you and yours.
Man, BlueSteel, stop stepping on my dumb metaphors!
(…. the more you know… )
Happy whatever to you too, Johnny!
We’re of the pagan persuasion but end up doing Christmassy things anyways, just because that’s what my family does, and really what’s the point in celebrating the holidays if your family isn’t involved?
PS the Rudolph part was so funny I read it out loud to Matt.
If you’ve ever heard the screaming children on XBox Live, you know that the XBox is a tool box in its own category.
I want Beatles Rock Band but it’s far too frivolous to ask for given that I also don’t have any type of game system. Anyone want to send me one? TIA.
i absolutely agree. however, for me i think not wanting gifts is more of a selfish thing. i have been on this zen/declutter the house kick for a while, and basically i enjoy giving to others and all and seeing kids smile, but really deep down i just dont want the extra clutter to deal with!
i told my family that i would rather have experience this xmas, and they were all like wtf?? secretly, i think they were afraid they wouldnt be getting gifts from me. shh…. dont tell them i told ya that.
ahhh… excuse me while i go join in on rudolph’s sock party.
I wish I could have a more Zen lifestyle around here. I’m constantly tripping on shit. My kids so aren’t into the whole Eastern philosophy thing.
@JBT (…. the more you know… )
I don’t even call it x-mas – I switched to x-mess a long time ago. Which, according to @BlueSteel’s definition would mean Christ’s Mess, which it totally is. Look at the shopping tramples and insanity over getting your cheap-ass stuff even cheaper. Plus it’s the pretending to like your blood family more than your chosen family (aka friends), one of the many things that makes me really hate this time of year. That and the ubiquitous x-mess music in every damn store.
Also, weren’t the Greeks polytheists? I mean, if they’d had the chance to use the abbreviation, it totally would have been a “we don’t really believe in this Christ dude, but we’ll give him an acronym anyway.” And Christ would have replied, “just you wait and see how that Cassandra thing works out.”