My Totally Original Parenting Book That Isn't Printed on Soiled Nappies Like Some Other Parenting Books
The following guest post was written by Rob “Diesel” Kroese, whose blog Mattress Police was one of the first humor blogs I found when I first started writing TEIH, and which remains one of the few humor blogs I continue to read because he’s a funny guy and really doesn’t match a nickname like “Diesel.”
I thought it would be fun if Diesel and I traded posts today (my post is on his blog right now) so that I could maybe get some of his large following to visit my site. Those bastards.
When I announced recently that I was writing a parenting book, Johnny B. Truant responded by accusing me of stealing his idea. I want to assure you that this is not the case. It’s totally plausible that we both had this same idea at the same time, the same way that Newton and Leibniz both independently invented calculus and the way that Ray Parker, Jr. wrote the Ghostbusters theme on a six minute bus ride while listening to Huey Lewis and the News’ “I Want a New Drug.”
It should certainly be no surprise that Johnny and I came up with the same idea at the same time – after all, we’re practically the same person. He’s a humor writer and web developer in his mid-thirties. I’m a humor writer and web developer in my mid-thirties. Wesley Snipes and Oprah Winfrey live in his barn. Tom Waits and Maury Povich live in my barn. Other than the fact that I had the sense to move to California, we’re basically interchangeable. If he had played Marty McFly’s girlfriend in the first Back to the Future and I played Marty McFly’s girlfriend in both sequels, you’d never even have noticed the switch.*
And, of course, we’re both fathers – fathers who love our respective children so much that we want nothing more than to send them to bed early so that we can finally have some peace and quiet to write our respective parenting books. Yet that’s where the similarities end: for while Johnny’s book is a tragicomic farce in the vein of Joseph Heller’s Catch 22 and Leland Delansky’s The Hidden Trombonist, my book is full of hands-on practical parenting advice that will be invaluable to parents of all non-Chinese children.
Yes, my book, The Nonfictional Diesel Guide to Parenting Non-Chinese Babies, is 265 pages of advice** such as:
- Your child was born with a deep-seated need to be loved unconditionally. Because of this weakness, withholding love from them is a highly effective punishment.
- There are several foods that children under the age of one should never be given. Keep track of these foods in a spiral notebook to avoid making the same mistake twice.
- Be careful not to teach your children gender stereotypes. Remember, your children will shape the future of society. Well, not the girls so much, but still.
- Music is important to your child’s development. Studies indicate that babies who listen to an hour of classical music a day learn to turn off a CD player more quickly than other babies.
- Encourage your child to follow their dreams. Unless, you know, their dreams are stupid.
I should clarify that much of this advice probably applies to Chinese babies as well as regular babies, but since I’ve never had any Chinese babies, I don’t feel that it’s my place to tell you how to raise them. I don’t, for example, know anything about the proper way to trim their horns.
Anyway, there’s lots of other good stuff in the book and you should buy it as soon as it’s available. I expect to publish it about two weeks after Johnny’s book comes out.
*Although I am, of course, bustier, and went on to star in such successful films as Hollow Man and The Way of the Karate Kid, whereas he peaked with a guest appearance on Simon & Simon).
** Along with 84 pages of legal disclaimers.
Johnny’s P.S: If you are Chinese or a woman or a Chinese woman or Mel Tormé and take offense at anything written above, you should send rat heads to Diesel, not me. I hear he’s in the book. Under “D.”