Kids are messed up
I’ve found that when I write about my kids, several things happen:
1. My readers with kids think it’s great, and they get it all, and they relate, and they comment up a storm.
2. My readers without kids do nothing and probably don’t think it’s funny. I used to be like this. If you don’t have kids, chances are you don’t think kids are terribly interesting or engaging or funny, and you may just kind of be annoyed by them. This is why once you have kids, your childless friends disappear, then later reappear once they have kids and have been excommunicated from the cool world as well.
3. My dad gets all excited.
4. N.C. Winters and Trish argue in the comments, with a weird sexual tension. Although to be fair, that’s also true when I write about buying snow shovels or flogging circus clowns.
So, in an attempt to please all parties (and because I’m lazy, and also due chiefly to laziness, and also laziness is really the only reason) I’m going to offer a bulleted list of weird shit my kids have done recently. This makes it scannable for non-kid-fans, and also I’m lazy. Which goes well with my laziness, conveniently. And also, the list isn’t actually bulleted.
WEIRD THING #1: Bean parties
My daughter Sydney isn’t know as “Sydney” in our house. She’s known as “The Bean,” which finally fulfills my lifelong desire to have an offspring whose name starts with an article, like “The Beaver” or “The Gooch.” The name allows for many hilarious sentences, such as, “Monty! Stop licking The Bean!” and “That’s one belligerent Bean.” And naturally, it allows for Bean Parties.
Bean Parties are my son Austin’s invention. You have to go into the bedroom and hide under the covers until The Bean goes into the master bathroom. When she comes out, you have to yell, “Oh no, it’s The Bean!” and hide again.
Don’t look at me. I didn’t invent this game. Kids are weird as hell.
WEIRD THING #2: Kids’ observations on death
Austin [out of the blue]: “Daddy, you’re going to die before I do.”
Me: “Where did you hear that?”
Austin: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Why do you think I’ll die first?”
Austin: “Because you’re older than me. So you’ll die before I do.”
Me: “Well, that’s probably true. I hope it’s true.”
Austin: “Why do you hope it’s true?”
Me: “I… uh… anyway, that won’t happen for a long time.”
Austin: “So, before you die, you have to get me all of the Transformers in the world.”
WEIRD THING #3: Kids really do say funny shit
• After falling off of his bike: “Good thing I’m talented.”
• After being asked if he still collects toilet paper tubes: “Oh, I got out of that business.”
• Referring to McDonald’s fries, while feeding them to his sister: “This goes in The Bean.”
• Re: a “Kidz Bops” CD, wherein kids cover popular songs: “This is dumb music.”
• After overhearing my joke while passing a “Lube Stop” oil change center: “What’s K-Y?” (My answer: “It’s a dessert.”)
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That’s all I have. Those of you without kids can resume reading now. And N.C. and Trish? You’re both married. Knock it off.