Rattle the vote
My daughter said her first word the other day. It was “Obama.”
This came out of the blue, on Wednesday morning of all times. I had watched election coverage the night before and thought Obama would probably win, but I hadn’t yet found out for sure. And I was actually wondering, just meaning to fire up CNN and take a look when the baby just sort of announced it to me: “Obama. Obama.” Smart girl. She’s just like one of those news anchors, except that she still craps in her pants. So like I said, she’s just like one of those news anchors.
Now for real: I’m just reporting this as fact. I am not making a political statement. I’ve gotten comments from conservatives who think I’m leaning too far left on this blog of late, but I’m not leaning left so much as I’m leaning toward the easier target. Believe me, if Barack Obama made the faces that John McCain makes, I’d be posting his photo everywhere. But he doesn’t.
But don’t trust me. Try it yourself. Do a Google images search for “funny McCain picture” and you get the photos we all know and love. Do the same for “funny Obama picture,” and you get clever fakes as well as things like this:
I’m not saying that I love Obama (though I do like him) or that I don’t like McCain (because I do). All I’m saying is that my daughter has clearly chosen sides and that not once — NOT FUCKING ONCE — has she said “McCain.” And this despite the fact that my mother has surely been whispering it to her, coaching her in the same way my stepfather has tried to teach my son to say “Go Steelers” to infuriate my Browns-fan wife.
So don’t blame me. I’m trying not to be too partisan. You want to argue politics with someone, you come argue with my baby. Just know that she’s not offended by the prospect of socialized healthcare, and that she may well be gassy.
So yeah. Wednesday morning, I’m in my office and she’s saying “Oh-baaah-ma!” and it occurs to me that the Obama campaign has been so grassroots and viral that there is a distinct possibility that our new president-elect was born Barack Heffernan. Maybe the surname we know was the brainchild of some clever campaign manager who knew a bit about building brand mindshare with young Americans. Because really, everyone knows that politicians can’t win if they don’t get along well with babies. They smile at babies, they kiss babies, they smile while dressing up like Kiss for babies. And inevitably, the parent is going to coach the baby, to say, “Can you smile for the nice man?” And then they say his name. And then boom, checkmate, game over. Because who would a baby rather coo to? “Oh-baaah-ma” or “Mik-kane?” What kind of babies can grapple with “McCain”?
Irish babies, that’s who. And they’re drunk most of the time anyway.
A vote for Eggenton is a vote for pushups
Despite my gross ignorance and apathy, I actually do know that there’s a presidential race going on right now. Furthermore, I know that this does not actually mean that the candidates run a distance against each other for time — which is probably good, because McCain would surely fall and break a hip, and it’s then likely that his running mate would put him down with a moose gun.
I even know about the wager that the parties have made this year to see who can piss off Georgia rednecks more. One side made a clever move by adding a woman to the ticket, but the opposition deftly trumped them by nominating a black guy. It’s rumored that the Republicans will be fighting back by banning Nascar racing and shitty beat-up John Deere hats, but this is unconfirmed.
The injection of drama into the political sphere is a bit of a change. But, honestly, not even these Hollywood campaigns are sufficient to woo my interest. All other things being equal, I would still be clearly on the side of indifference (the race being more interesting to me than any Ryan Seacrest project but still less interesting than watching a gila monster molt), but all things are most certainly not equal. Not at all. This year, for once, there’s a candidate in the running who I can get excited about.
That’s right; it has finally happened. At long last, John Eggenton has decided to run for the presidency.
I didn’t know about this campaign at all until I was emailed the above news report, apparently sent to me by an Eggenton ‘08 campaign insider. But it got me excited. Suddenly, my interest is piqued. Suddenly, I can get on board with this election stuff.
Now, I should mention that I don’t know anything at all about John’s platform, but I’ve known him since high school and not once has he done something that has made me say aloud, “You know, I hope he never becomes president.” The same cannot be said for all of my high school acquaintances.
I think that John could be just what this country needs. No more old boy network. No more Beltway insider deals. Just paintball — lots and lots of paintball. And occasionally some pushups, because he’s working on being able to do more and more of them. I know this because John knows I’m into fitness, and so he told me about his program recently.
“You’ll be interested in this,” he said to me. “I was working on my car, trying to change a solenoid…”
“Why would he be interested in that?” my friend Darrell interrupted.
And with that, it was like lightning had struck twice, struck again in the same spot, and it was obvious to me that this Eggenton bid for the White House could really get some wheels if John were to take Darrell on as his running mate. The duo would be political dynamite. John is charismatic and knows what the people are interested in — principally pushups and solenoids. Darrell is a straight talker who won’t hesitate to point out that John’s audience is barely mechanical enough to know that a car requires gas to operate. The two would be an unstoppable force.
John and Darrell. Oh yes, I could get behind that. And because voters have demonstrated that they can easily be confused by Pat Buchanan, I’m betting that JOHN Eggenton might be able to suck some parasitic votes off of JOHN McCain as older, partially blind people cast their ballots. Add in a few hanging chads and I think it’s safe to say that this race is essentially in the bag.
This year, don’t get sucked in by politics as usual. The Eggenton campaign is gathering steam. Get on board. You don’t want to have been an opposition voter when John, pumped from pushups, picks up his paintball gun and begins meting out domestic policy. Believe me you don’t.
Biden vs. Palin ignores Taco Bell, Hawaii Chair
So last night the two vice-presidential candidates squared off in an epic debate that I found myself with no interest in whatsoever. I was sitting here, on my computer, browsing an online forum. I could hear the voices of the candidates, and my wife yelled back that Palin blinks too much. But honestly, as I find a candidate’s blink speed almost (perhaps entirely) irrelevant in my choice of leadership, the information was useless and really served only to distract me from the Hawaii Chair infomercial I was watching on YouTube:
All of this may sound really irresponsible, but allow me to defend myself: It’s not that I’m apathetic. It’s just that I don’t give a shit.
See, in my opinion, politics is politics. And whereas there will be good leaders and bad leaders, nobody is going to reach the highest levels of politics without being a liiiiiiiiitle bit of an asshole. And personally, I know that aliens have been in charge of the U.S. government since Roswell and that the duly elected human president is always consumed and excreted in alien pod form anyway, which is why you’ll notice that NOT ONE anti-extraterrestrial law has been passed since the 60’s. NOT A SINGLE ONE. So when you think about it, elections are all an exercise in vain anyway, not unlike the Hawaii chair.
The reason for my disinterest is that life always goes on, much like the revolving motor on a Hawaii Chair. And while some things may change, little is going to change that affects me personally, now, today, here, immediately, post haste, imminently, before I finish this sentence. And sure enough, nothing has changed, proving once and for all that the system does not work. Like the Hawaii Chair.
Look – you want to interest me? Then let’s have some real talk.
I’m just going to come right out and say it: Neither candidate has come out in favor of bringing the Taco BellGrande or Cinnamon Crispas back to Taco Bell. It’s an issue that everyone skirts, that everyone has always skirted. I have heard zero debate on the return of the BellGrande and Crispas despite the fact that everyone knows what has to be done – and despite the fact that ordinary tacos are clearly not lengthy enough, nor the inferior Cinnamon Twists crunchy enough.
Yet, Palin and Biden didn’t so much as mention the problem. McCain and Obama have not mentioned the Bell at all, but I’ll bet you $8500 that all four have made a run for the border and noticed the substandard-length tacos and poofy Twists and have been enraged. Enraged! Yet they stand by and do nothing. Like the Hawaii Chair.
I’ll close here. My Hawaii Chair awaits.