I am a whore. But I am not Robert Goulet.
I want to make money.
There. I’ve said it. And don’t go pretending that you don’t want to make money, because if you do, I’ll open my stats package, correlate the time of your visit with the IP addresses active at that time, run an IP traceroute to find the locality serviced by that root IP, then drive there, hire a private investigator to match usernames with probable candidates based on psychological profiling, then determine where you live, show up at your door with a pie, and hit you in the face with it.
And motherfucker, that’s going to be really unpleasant unless you truly love pie and don’t care if you eat it off of your face, shirt, and floor.
So don’t tell me that you don’t want to make money. Don’t tell me that you do what you do for altruistic reasons. If you work with orphans, don’t tell me that you do it because it’s so rewarding. I totally know about the bribes and kickbacks in the orphan biz. And the golf memberships. And the private jet rides. Don’t get me started.
So what do you need if you’re going to make money off of a blog? You need traffic. And you need a plan.
Traffic is slowly building, thanks to some new friends of mine. Chuck Westbrook has mentioned and linked to me a few times, and that’s brought new readers. Havi Brooks and Selma have been strange champions on Twitter. (I don’t mean that they’re strange. I mean that it’s strange that they like my stuff so much and have been so helpful. Although they may also be strange personally; I don’t know them well enough to determine that. Stay tuned.)
So as I begin to see more traffic, I had to come up with a plan to capitalize on it. And here it is:
1. Become a whore
2. Stop being Robert Goulet
3. Collect underwear
4. ?
5. Profit.
Logical enough, right?
I began my quest to become a money-hungry whore with Google AdSense. You know those annoying ads you see all over the place? The ones that disgust you to the core of your being? Yeah, I was all over that. I put a few here and there on the site, and it’s already working. Don’t believe me? Well, check this out:
Yeah, that’s right.
But, I was careful not to get too excited by the early success of my ad campaign. I told myself to keep my eye on the ball. What’s the first thing you learn in law school about liability? When you start earning money, what’s the first thing you need to do in order to make sure you keep it?
That’s right: Safeguard all earnings from Robert Goulet.
Now, Bob Goulet himself is dead, but when that AdSense revenue you see above begins to double and triple, extended family Goulets may crawl out of the sewers like C.H.U.D.s and begin attempting to get their hands on my money because I’ve been using his image as my own. And what of the book I’m planning to offer soon? Whose photo do I use on the dust jacket? What if I create some great swag to sell? Whose picture do I use? If I continue to use Bob’s picture, the Goulets will be after me so vehemently that they may well break through all of the anti-Goulet countermeasures around my house.
So yeah, I love my Robert Goulet persona, but I can’t keep being Goulet. I have to move on. So allow me to introduce myself, as the real Johnny Truant. Just took this pic for y’all:
Stay tuned for more late-breaking update on my whoring and my transition away from Goulet. And in the meantime, keep your eye out for pies.