Bits and Pieces: Stupid white crap edition
You know how back in high school, there’d be this girl (or guy) you’d like, and you’d go all drooly over her, and you’d tell friends who would tolerate you that she was the perfect woman, that yeah, she was part of that one assholish group but wasn’t the same as the others in it, and didn’t really fit because she wasn’t a bitch but instead was this person with all sorts of integrity, and she also didn’t have that giant hairsprayed ball of hair on the front of her forehead like literally every other girl had in 1989? And you’d do stupid shit like make your user name on computers “CarlaLover,” and write her name on overpasses and try to kill a celebrity to impress her?
And then like two weeks later, you’d be over it and you’d notice that she had a bunch of acne on her chin and looked into the tissue after she blew her nose and that she was not only a bitch but a REAL FUCKING WHORE and you’d be embarrassed at yourself? And it’d be like, What the hell was I thinking, liking this dickbag?
That’s how I feel about snow right now, after doubling last year’s snowfall and getting my car stuck three times in the driveway. I used to be so into it. But now it’s a whore that doesn’t wipe properly, and I can’t believe I used to like winter.
So you get more bits and pieces. Enjoy.
1. Canada Dry Refreshingly Raspberry Sparkling Water may be the worst product ever made
We were over at our friends Sarah and Mike Glazzman’s house this past weekend, and Sarah offered me a drink.
“We have Canada Dry, Diet Canada Dry, and Raspberry Canada Dry,” she announced, head deep in the fridge.
“Do you work for Canada Dry?” I asked.
“The regular is like Vernors,” she told me. “The diet is like Diet Vernors. The raspberry is terrible.”
“Terrible?” I asked?
“If you like it, you’re taking the rest of the case. Because I won’t have it in my house.”
I figured it had to be like one of those Aquafina flavored waters. Those are good. So I opened a can and took a sip.
“This is quite possibly the worst thing I’ve every drunk,” I said.
I can’t believe Canada Dry allowed the product to go to market. It combines all of the delight of a sparkling beverage with all of the nausea induced by camping at the bottom of a park outhouse. It really is quite insidious. The packaging is pretty. You want to believe it.
I took another sip.
“It’s like… it tastes okay while you’re actually drinking it,” I said. “But the minute you stop, it’s like a hobo has been living and defecating in your mouth.”
Sarah nodded. Mike nodded. The dog did not nod.
I refused to believe it. I took several more sips, each time expecting a fruity explosion with no aftertaste. Every time, I got bile. Literally.
“I will not be taking the rest of this home,” I told them. “If you try to make me, I will burn your house to the ground.”
Canada Dry, be on the lookout for my lawsuit.
2. Tony the Tiger’s bandana does not go all the way around his neck.
It just floats in front. The ends totally stick up and go nowhere. WTF?
3. I’m keeping AdSense for the entertainment value.
I’ve had Google AdSense on my site for around two months, and I have made a little over five dollars. Normally, $2.50 per month isn’t really worth a lot, but I’m keeping the ads because they’re so hilarious.
Yeah, for real. Happy birthday, dude. You guys may not know Jesus, but he’s a waiter at this great Mexican restaurant I go to all the time. One time, Jesus dropped like three serving platters onto the floor and his mother came out and started yelling shit at him and even though I don’t speak Spanish, I’m pretty sure she said something about Depeche Mode and then hit him with an oven mitt. Good times.
These actually make sense and were probably clicked on by a lot of my visitors. Not only do my readers really get into utility repairs, but they apparently live in Vegas. I’m absolutely calling these guys the next time my toilet overflows at the Palms.
Then we move on to a slightly different, but highly relevant, aspect of plumbing:
And of course,
Pimsleur! It’s cheap now; only $9.95. I think it might be a type of driveway sealer, or possibly a Hungarian spice. Either way, I’m absolutely on board. I’m tired of overpaying for Pimsleur. Especially at the dentist’s office.
And for all of you with pet issues, it’s good to know you can get all the info you need by checking into:
and then afterward, after Puffy is either saved or sacrificed to buy a ceiling fan for a third-world family, you can improve your mood and your style with:
which will be perfect for when you check into some:
Yeah.
4. Speaking of making money, I’m beating the recession by attending a pretty awesome telesummit.
This bit isn’t funny, but it does give me something to look forward to as even now, as insidious white shit slowly buries me in a cold, dark tomb.
Money. I want to learn how to make more money. Money! MONEY! SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Check it out. You should absolutely get on board, with it being 12 speakers and only costing $37. Join me on the calls (well, you won’t know I’m there because it’s not like I’m speaking, but I’ll be listening) and we’ll all figure out how to start small businesses and make mad cash.
Okay, so that’s not the official pitch. But seriously check it out in full here. Michael Gerber, for Christ’s sake. Michael Port. And my own favorite foul-mouthed businesswoman, Naomi from IttyBiz! I’m already doing Naomi’s Online Business School, which is KICK ASS and you should totally do that too if you like money, but I’m absolutely going to listen to her here too. I mean, $37, hell. I’d normally think like a grand for something like this, but maybe I’m an idiot.
Haha, “maybe.” I like the hope that implies.
5. Cartoon characters often wear shirts but no pants.
I seriously have a problem with this. Do they not have genitals? Or if they do, have they sucked them up inside themselves like ninjas? (Got a request for more ninjas on the site. Maybe this will pacify the ninjaphiles.)
Although, it’s possible they do have genitals but are unashamed, unbound by the taboos that govern 3-D life. Yet they wear shirts. Maybe they have huge, embarrassing tattoos of, like, I don’t know… Calvin and Hobbes peeing on Daisy Duck. Except that I don’t think I’d hide that. I think I’d show it off with pride.
6. Diesel is nearly (NEARLY!) as funny as me. (I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it. And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know I want you, want you.) (The preceding is not to be perceived as sexual, even though the Pointer Sisters totally meant it that way, but who the fuck is looking for them anymore? Nobody, that’s who.)
I gave a brief shout-out to Diesel from Mattress Police a while ago, but I’m further into his book Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police now and wanted to say again more strongly that, under punishment of catapult (guess the reference), you should visit his site and buy his book, (but only after you buy my book).
The cool thing about Diesel is that he tackles relevant issues, like smiley inflation.
“Five years ago, the basic unit of currency exchanged for a moderately amusing remark was a regular smiley (
), grin smiley (
) or a simple ‘heh.’ These units were rapidly devalued and were soon replaced by the laughing smiley (
) ) or LOL. Now there is an increasing prospect of serious LOL devaluation, which has a lot of people concerned.”
To combat this, Diesel explains that the Fed is considering several high-end smileys including “Laughing so hard that you can see that thingy hanging down in the back of my throat” ( 
~) ) and “Laughing so hard that I wet myself” ( :-[X=| ).
Despite the fact that he continues to stalk me and send me the heads of dead animals (small ones like mice and gerbils; he’s not a psycho), I don’t actually know Diesel at all. He may actually be a blind Lithuanian giant who lives under a bridge, but I do know that it’s funny under there.
Now, I hope you’ll all excuse me while I go kick this white crap around outside in anger. I predict that it will make little difference, but it may make me feel better.
————
Seriously, though… do check out that telesummit. It’s a chance to sort of go behind the scenes with some really big and successful entrepreneurs and find out how to get more financial security and control than you have working in the uncertain corporate world.
I’m plugging this with some sincerity because even though the economy isn’t happening, it also kind of is. And it’s not always so cool.