7 things that are going to make my blog suck for today
So now I’m all mad at Joe Schmitt because he tagged me with one of these obnoxious blogger memes where I have to answer the questions he sent me, and then pass it along by choosing seven more people to piss off. It’s kind of like a pyramid scheme, but with more work and zero chance of making any money.
This put me in a tricky situation.
On one hand, I don’t like blog memes. It’s similar to how I don’t like I don’t like getting those emails that tell me they’re magically spreading happiness and that if I pass the message along to ten people within 24 hours, I will have lasting bliss, but if I don’t, my testicles will fall off and Betty White will come over and step on them.
But on the other hand, Joe may actually be a vampire, and I know this because not once have I seen him outside when the sun is shining, and if Joe is a vampire, I’m really going to be up shit creek when he comes over to avenge his failed blog chain letter and possibly gets further enraged when he slips on what remains of my floor-testicles.
So it’s a bit of a dilemma. On one side, I have my dislike. On the other side, I hate being eaten. And possibly beheaded, because you know that vampires like Joe don’t want to convert any new vampires because all that does is dilute the membership ratio in vampire HMOs. Which, really, doesn’t make sense anyway since vampires are immortal. Look, I don’t pretend to understand it. If you must know why vampires need HMOs, ask Joe. Just wear a turtleneck when you do.
So here we go: 7 Things You Didn’t Know About Johnny Truant.
1. I know all the words to “Ice Ice Baby”
Stop. Collaborate and listen. Ice is back with my brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly. Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly.
In fact, I used to have the entire album. First on cassette, then on CD. I got the CD when I worked at Bingham’s Bagel Deli back in college, and we used to play it on the stereo there all the time. The customers hated it. Many would ask us to turn it off.
What you don’t realize is that “Ice Ice Baby” is only one of the brilliant songs on that album. The whole thing is gold. We’d put that on a loop at Bingham’s and play it over and over and over again. At one point, someone stole the Vanilla Ice CD. So my manager bought a new one, put a note on it saying that theft of the Vanilla Ice CD would result in firing, and kept it in the safe when it wasn’t being played.
2. I think Twitter is the best thing since sliced bread
For real. People think Twitter is stupid, but those people don’t understand that, as my internet buddy Havi explains, “Twitter is a cocktail party.” That’s all it is. You put a bunch of people in a room and they’re only allowed to talk for 140 characters at a time.
At the cocktail party, there are the people with lampshades over their heads. That’s Joe, and me, and Jenny, and a bunch of other idiots. There are the networkers like Naomi and Marcia, who have good niche business info and are there in large part to make contacts. There are the elitists who deign to talk to a lot of people but won’t listen to anyone else. (I won’t name names; let’s just call them “douchebags.”) And the rest are people who are just there to hang out and chat, like Chuck and Trish and Ollie.
Jump in, for real. And everyone I linked to in that last section has a Twitter profile and are worth following.
3. I don’t get the expression “the best thing since sliced bread”
I guess I understand why sliced bread is good. Without the slicing, you’re pretty much left with a hunk of baked flour, and making it into slab form does allow for sandwiches. But do we as a society really want to establish changing the form of something pedestrian as the pinnacle of our achievement? We would have gotten along okay if nobody had figured out how to slice bread. But what about the polio vaccine? I mean, that actually saved lives. Or how about, “The best thing since Lincoln freed the slaves”? Because that was pretty good too. Are you really saying that modifying bread was better than ending a major form of oppression? You damn bigot. Get the hell off my blog.
I’ve never gotten it. It’s like saying, “This is the best thing since molding Play-Doh into the shape of a phallus.”
4. I still don’t like Favrd
Favrd is a site that ranks the best messages (”tweets”) on Twitter. You have to sign up, but after you do, Favrd keeps a record of every tweet that you mark as a favorite. If three people mark one of your tweets as a favorite, that tweet shows up on the Favrd leaderboard for everyone to see.
Confused? I was too until I realized I was thinking too hard. I do understand it. I just hate it.
Signing up for Favrd does nothing to help you. It only allows you to help other people by marking their tweets as favorites. And what if nobody ever marks any of your own tweets three times so that you never make the leaderboard? Then you start to hate the whole thing like I do. It becomes one more way you don’t measure up.
Here’s my history. NOT ONCE have I gotten three stars. Ugh. How incredibly annoying.
(I realize now that this one wasn’t funny. So I’m making some armpit farts right now in an attempt to make up for that. )
5. I’m an athletic Renaissance man
My biggest hobby is going to the gym to lift weights. Seriously; I’m a meathead. I even broke my arm earlier this year doing it, which means that I’m pretty badass.
But I also scared the hell out of a local gymnastics instructor when I called her up and asked if she could coach me in the skills I’d need for Parkour, and then told her that I’m 6 feet tall and weigh 205. Pretty sure she thought I was a psycho, which is an unfair reaction because it’s at least partially untrue.
And I also really like Yoga.
In fact, I totally just did it with my wife. (You heard me.)
6. I live in Ohio
Ohio sucks. Sorry, I’ve tried to defend it for as long as I can, but it’s winter here and the skies are gray and overcast for 7 months while the days get shorter and shorter and you slowly get buried in snow until you can’t take it anymore and you start writing a novel but it’s all just like “all work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy” over and over and over and then you find out that not only does the English butler at the party not exist, but he also killed his family with an axe and then suddenly your kids are all like REDRUM! REDRUM! and you can’t even watch TV because American Idol is back on and that makes you want to reach down your throat and grab your own ass from the inside and pull until it’s on the outside again so that you’re like a human Möbius strip or Klien bottle or some shit and it’s like HEY I’M NOT FUCKING MC ESCHER AND MY STAIRCASES DON’T GO UPSIDE DOWN what the hell am I in a painting or something because if I am I want to be the Mona Lisa but wait is that a dude oh hell no crazy Abe Vigoda with his castanets.
7. I don’t play nice in blog memes
So I’m totally not going to tag anyone. That’s right, I’m breaking the rules. If you want to tag yourself and say I did it, that’s cool. Just don’t tag me back.
I just re-read this post and realize it’s not funny. In fact, it kind of sucks. So please, nobody else tag me, even if you’re a vampire. Because if you do, you’re just making for more half-assed entries like this one that everyone has to suffer through. People will get angry. And I’m totally going to tell my readers where to find you, and they’re going to beat you with loaves of unsliced bread.