Stupid bloggers always stealing my cheese

April 4, 2009 by Johnny

I have a lot of ideas. One time, I had this idea to get a bunch of cows together to see if their large masses and close proximity would trigger some sort of gravitational collapse, resulting in a huge black hole and all sorts of time/space side effects like pants getting worn out and thrown away before being purchased. But then I realized what a waste that would be (in terms of pants expenditures) and abandoned the whole project. Stupid cows trying to cost me all sorts of money on pants.

But a lot of my ideas do work out. I had an idea to see if I could work with Naomi of IttyBiz, and that’s going pretty well. And I had this idea to write a free guide called How to Launch a Blog in a Half Hour for Under $20, Even if You’re a Total Idiot, except that it wasn’t my idea at all and was actually Naomi’s idea. (I actually did write that guide, by the way. It will debut on Monday in my IttyBiz column and if I remember, I’ll remind you here too.)

And now I’ve got this idea to start a whole new website where I’ll offer free webinars on how to do techie stuff like launching blogs and mailing lists and all of that, because I’m a website developer and know this internet stuff like the back of my hand. You know, if the back of my hand were full of porn and nerds. And that site should be open by Monday, too.

Honestly, the only problem with all of these ideas is that they push some of my other awesome ideas out of the spotlight. Which lets other opportunistic people who live in California and work at Google and wear glasses and run blog directories and have nicknames synonymous with fossil fuels SWOOP RIGHT IN AND STEAL THE FUCKING IDEA.

Not that I have anyone in mind. Except for Diesel.

You know, it’s a funny world we live in. A devious, dangerous world. You let your guard down for ONE MOMENT and these other bloggers are in your house, under your car, outside your window, in your refrigerator, stealing your ideas. If it’s not The Bloggess giving out my email address to sexy homicide spammers and stealing my newspaper (don’t try to tell me it’s the kid next door), it’s Black Hockey Jesus taking the change out of my car’s ashtray. And dammit if it hasn’t been LESS THAN A MONTH since I finally got Darren Rowse out from under my porch, and wouldn’t you know it, the exterminator’s guarantee is good for two weeks and THE SECOND IT EXPIRES, that fucker is back under the deck and I’m like DAMMIT, DARREN, STOP CHARGING PIZZA DELIVERIES TO MY CREDIT CARD and wouldn’t you know it, there’s nothing the authorities can do because he’s from Australia. I mean, hell.

And then this. The other day, I read the following over at Diesel’s blog, Mattress Police:

And that’s when I realized that what was really important to me wasn’t awesome blog directories or hilarious novels about the adventures of an AWOL angel on the brink of the Apocalypse, but rather my relationship with my children. “That’s it!” I exclaimed. “I will write a book on parenting!

Oh, snap. Where have we heard that idea before?

So I’m like, “Hey! Diesel! That’s my idea!” And no matter how loud I yelled, there was no response. This meant war.

Or not. But it does mean I really have to step on it. Because the problem is that Diesel is pretty funny. A little too funny, if you catch my drift. I’m not going to say anything specific, but I do think he’s lucky that the anti-doping laws in blogging are so lax.

And that there is no swimsuit competition.

I suspect that I may not have heard the end of this. Luckily, there’s no chance he’ll guest post here next week, or I’d be totally fucked. No chance at all.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get a broom, a kangaroo, and some Vegemite. There has to be a way to get him out from under that porch before he starts gnawing on the wood again.

Tags: Oprah is totally living in a hole under my barn. Don't tell me it's a groundhog. It was a groundhog last time and there's no way that could happen twice.

Comments

14 Comments on Stupid bloggers always stealing my cheese

muskrat on Sat, 4th Apr 2009 6:54 pm

Diesel would totally take the swimsuit competition, which is why I pissed in his gas tank. So he can’t get there. You’re welcome.

diesel on Sat, 4th Apr 2009 10:41 pm

I was totally going to smiley this post, but stupid f—ing humor-blogs.com won’t let me vote more than 10 times a day now. Fascist bastards.

I’ll trade you sixty-five stray cats for Oprah. Wait, does Oprah pee everywhere? Cuz then no deal.

C. Andres Alderete on Sat, 4th Apr 2009 10:59 pm

I actually had a similar cow idea, only mine involved grouping them together to see if their super methane farts can really burn a hole into the ozone. True story.

Dr Dik on Sun, 5th Apr 2009 4:40 am

On such a recommendation, I went straight to visit the mattress police to see what all the fuss is about, sher isn’t it out of service and unavailable, gosh poor humour-blogs mustn’t like being call fascist bstards, let the flame war continue!

John on Sun, 5th Apr 2009 8:47 am

You should both “drop” your parenting books on the same day like Clay Aiken and Rubben Studdard did with their albums to create a competition buzz. Either way I’ll be buying YOUR version which is good news for you because I typically support the winner (Clay in this case).

Johnny B. Truant on Sun, 5th Apr 2009 11:42 am

I think it’s really awesome that H-B is having tech issues at the same time I enter into this war. It’s kind of like if I was in a GQ contest and I introduced my competition and his fly was open. Word.

Kelly on Tue, 7th Apr 2009 8:59 am

Oy. I hear you. If I had a quarter for every time I saw a piece in the NY Times and thought “I should have written that” I’d have, well, at least $50. But then, there’s always room for more mind juice. K

Wendy Maynard on Wed, 8th Apr 2009 12:27 pm

Hey Johhny – are you sure it’s not the Easter Bilby and not a kangaroo? http://www.easterbilby.com/

Best, Wendy

Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 8th Apr 2009 1:36 pm

Hmm. I really have no response to that.

The Economy Isn’t Happening » Blog Archive » My Totally Original Parenting Book That Isn’t Printed on Soiled Nappies Like Some Other Parenting Books on Wed, 8th Apr 2009 1:50 pm

[...] in his mid-thirties. I’m a humor writer and web developer in my mid-thirties. Wesley Snipes and Oprah Winfrey live in his barn. Tom Waits and Maury Povich live in my barn. Other than the fact that I had the [...]

MissE on Wed, 8th Apr 2009 8:01 pm

Hey Johnny,
The vegemite’s a reasonable idea but only if spread very thinly on toast. Don’t try to give him a teaspoon-full… we only pull that shit on tourists.
If that doesn’t work, try setting up a TV tuned to the Cricket or an AFL match, with a cold can of Aussie beer next to it. That should draw him out… not Fosters though… coz we only give that shit to the tourists.
Good luck. )