The revenge of Eugene the toaster
There are people out there who think I’m strange, and I really don’t get it. I think it’s a safe bet that at some point in just about anyone’s life, they’ve chased turkeys with a hose, attempted to electrocute themselves on a livestock fence, or made a documentary about a police chief who licks windshield wiper blades. And yes, let’s admit it — most of you have been in a club founded to appreciate an appliance.
Like the Toaster Lovers’ Association. Founded 1993, Springfield, Ohio. To appreciate toasters and all they have done for us.
To prove I’m not kidding, I’m posting our logo below. It may or may not have been created by Keith Haring, but mostly not.
“We have gathered here today to pay our respects to an appliance that has done so much for us, yet asked for so little in return,” said my friend Tom at our first gathering, for which he was unable to secure any club funding from our school. “And that is the humble toaster.”
“They really only ask for electricity,” said Brian.
“And so we hereby form this club, here at Uncle John’s Pancake House, to honor the toaster, in the presence of Uncle Tim and Aunt Joan and all of the other waiters and waitresses,” said Tom.
“And we offer as a door prize this toaster,” added Brian, “who we have named Eugene.”
I raised my hand. “We’re honoring toasters by selling one into slavery?”
“Let us give our thanks for toasters, oh toasters who always brown toast to a crispy tan crust, except for that time that mine burnt like four fucking bagels in a row before I beat the shit out of it with a crowbar.”
“Amen,” said Brian.
“And now let us eat pancakes.”
And so pancakes were eaten by the dozen, with the plain syrup and the chocolate syrup and the raspberry syrup that we called “Robitussin.” And it was good.
Admit it. Most of you just abuse your toasters. Most of you never stop to appreciate them, let alone have a banquet in their honor. I thought my affiliation with the TLA ended in 1994, but I realize now that I have never stopped appreciating toasters. I have never stopped thinking about them. On Twitter (where I sometimes spout such wisdom as “I’m pretty sure Morrissey is stealing my newspaper”), I find myself Tweeting a lot about toasters. Which, again, people find strange.
Like this Tweet, back on January 8th:
JohnnyBTruant: I think my toaster suspects me of something.
Which was actually crap, because I suspected the toaster more than it suspected me. Yet it was still watching me, waiting for its chance. Several fellow Twitterers expressed their concern. Then, an update:
JohnnyBTruant: Now the toaster is all eyeing me and shit. As if it doesn’t have some skeletons in its closet.
Now people were getting curious. And I got a lead, from an English lady who has already proven to be not quite right in the head:
TheCharmQuark: It’s one of my spies.
JohnnyBTruant: I KNEW it! I knew it when it started toasting crumpets!
Time passed. I started to forget about the toaster, which, ironically, was probably exactly what it had been waiting for. I think it was remembering Eugene, who I won at that first TLA meeting because, in Brian’s own words, “everyone else left.” But then I lost Eugene. From slave to MIA, soon to be remembered only in a limited series of commemorative buttons.
I kept working. And then then I got an email notification that I had a new follower on Twitter. This happens a bunch of times every day and I thought nothing of it, until I noticed who it was. I’m not even kidding. I sent this:
JohnnyBTruant: Shit. Now I think my toaster is following my Tweets. http://twitter.com/toasterferret
Sympathy was low. As if people didn’t care about my plight.
TheCharmQuark: Yeah, you may have identified the toaster but you don’t know how many of your kitchen appliances have turned to the dark side.
JohnnyBTruant: I suspect the coffee maker. It will no longer brew anything but Earl Gray tea.
I don’t know how this happened. Plenty of people beat their toasters up every day and never offer a thanks. Yet, those people remain unmolested by their toasters. I was supposed to be one of the good guys. I was their friend, their ally.
I was part of the TLA. I loved toasters. Sure, we only had the one meeting. Sure, it was more about pancakes than toasters. Sure, we were ostracized at school as weirdoes. But we were there. We made the effort.
Yet:
JohnnyBTruant: Toaster missing. Calling air- and seaports. It can’t get far. I have its passport.
MaryRW: Do you have a toaster oven? If so, does it look guilty?
JohnnyBTruant: The toaster oven is apparently sticking with the oven, but for a while, it looked like it could have gone either way.
Then, an interesting development:
JohnnyBTruant: Toaster has returned. Says it was “just out and about.” Has urged me to ignore what looks like a camera in its hat. I remain suspicious.
Oh Eugene. Where art thou, Eugene? I have this photo, which I can’t scan because Chet McGovernson slathered it with paint and cobbled it into this giant wonderful mess that is on the wall behind me right now, showing me with Eugene. With his power cord in my mouth, the way we used to play. More and more, I was feeling this was about Eugene. About a seek and recover mission. Or possibly revenge.
JohnnyBTruant: I want to keep sight of the fact that this began because my toaster suspected ME. I may be being set up as a pawn in a spy game.
A lot of people started to swap toaster tales. My toaster does this. I own a such-and-such kind of toaster. My toaster was owned by Mickey Rourke. And so on. NOW toasters were getting appreciation. Now that they’d shown that they will only take so much.
I told these people:
JohnnyBTruant: I’m getting a lot of pro-toaster sentiment. Let’s not forget who the guilty party is here.
Astrogirl426: Can YOU brown a piece of bread perfectly? Huh? Can you? Huh? I didn’t think so.
JohnnyBTruant: That’s true. But for my part, that toaster cannot do a flip, and I can. ……. WAIT: Never mind; it can.
Tension mounted.
I sat in my office, afraid to move, afraid to trust anything that consumed electricity. Luckily, my computer had not yet started altering my messages. But it was really only a matter of time.
Most troublingly, my last communique on the subject was this:
JohnnyBTruant: HOLY CRAP THE TOASTER IS UNDER MY DESK STALKING ME TOTALLY FREAKING OUT NOW OH OH OH OH OH OH
Disturbing to say the least. I’m still not sure if I made it out okay.
But things are, I guess, cool. In fact, right now there are a pair of glowing orange lines in the shadows in the corner. What could it be? Probably a baby bird or a friendly bunny. I’d better go check it out. Man, those Samoans are a surly bunch.
Comments
17 Comments on The revenge of Eugene the toaster
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Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter) on
Thu, 22nd Jan 2009 3:00 pm
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John on
Thu, 22nd Jan 2009 5:04 pm
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Newt on
Thu, 22nd Jan 2009 5:33 pm
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Ollie_Miles on
Thu, 22nd Jan 2009 7:48 pm
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Trish/Astrogirl426 on
Fri, 23rd Jan 2009 12:28 am
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Elvis on
Fri, 23rd Jan 2009 11:24 am
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N.C. Winters on
Fri, 23rd Jan 2009 1:01 pm
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Johnny Truant on
Fri, 23rd Jan 2009 1:24 pm
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Trish/Astrogirl426 on
Fri, 23rd Jan 2009 1:27 pm
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Jake on
Sun, 25th Jan 2009 12:11 pm
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unfinished rambler on
Wed, 4th Feb 2009 12:15 pm
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Johnny Truant on
Wed, 4th Feb 2009 1:02 pm
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Trish/Astrogirl426 on
Thu, 5th Feb 2009 2:43 am
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Amanda on
Thu, 5th Feb 2009 6:40 pm
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Johnny Truant on
Fri, 6th Feb 2009 6:07 pm
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Lesley on
Wed, 11th Feb 2009 2:09 pm
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Johnny Truant on
Wed, 11th Feb 2009 5:59 pm
You know how Darth Vader was all made out of plastic and microchips? And he had that thing in the middle of his chest.
THAT’S how he controls them. The toasters, they are everywhere.
A couple of thoughts.
1) Most relevant Adsense ads yet. Toasters, Oven Pro, Dualit Toaster – Cheap
2) Do you ever look back at some of those times now from the perspective of a parent? Son says “I’m going to the pancake place for a Toaster Lovers’ Association meeting”. Would your thoughts not go immediately to “code phrase for drug use” or “why is my kid so weird”?
3) How about just using Facebook for reader interactions? Comments are fine but the “conversation” is divided between posts making it kind of hard to follow.
For sure , they deserve more thought.
Two “good” toaster words? Crumb tray. Hell yeah…easier clean up.
This is important. My Mom’s toaster, or rather the crumbs in the bottom, caught fire once. (The paint on the underside of her cabinets above that spot on the counter is still bit charred.) Why? Because it’s a pain in the ass to open the “trap-door” bottom of most toasters successfully over the garbage without exploding the crumbs everywhere.
Trudging through Walmart one day, I found a stack of crumb-tray-equipped toasters on sale. Nice pic of the black toaster with extended crumb tray on the box. In delirious joy I bought one. Too delirious to notice the immediately adjacent stack of crumb-tray-less ones, also with a black coloured version depicted on the box. Guess which one I actually bought? And used for a week before I decided to clean? And lost the receipt to?
Two “bad” toaster words. Bagel cage. Slice cage. Ah, I don’t know what the hell they’re really called.
You know. Those wire frames that “engage” your toastee of choice, and ostensibly hold it centred in the slot for perfectly even (yeah right) browning? Why are these bad? Personal pizzas.
One of the greatest uses for a toaster was the ability to lay it on its side, and load a personal-size pizza. (Experimentation yielded the correct distance to put your plate or paper towel to receive the ready-to-eat item upon ejection.) Oh yeah,wait…that’s what they’re called. Topping-removal cages.
Anyway. I guess the above proves that I’m not a clean fanatic, and that I went to college, albeit a long time ago.
Love my toaster, though.
Cheers. N.
And people call me insane. o.o
Thanks for the shoutout. I distinctly remember that day – I do believe I came as close as i ever have to dialing the authorities and having you taken away. For your own protection, of COURSE. Your last paragraph, by the way, made me think of this song:
Who can it be knocking at my door?
Go ‘way, don’t come ’round here no more.
Can’t you see that it’s late at night?
I’m very tired, and I’m not feeling right.
All I wish is to be alone;
Stay away, don’t you invade my home.
Best off if you hang outside,
Don’t come in – I’ll only run and hide.
Ah, Men at Work…is there anything they don’t know?
Hi! Stupid question, probably, but why did you choose JohnnyBTruant? I understand, you have read House of Leaves, but where’s the story about it? I’m strugglin’ for more than a year and still can’t make myself finish the damn book! I fucking like it, but it’s so hard to read.
I was mostly struck by the plural suffix change in weirdo to “weirdoes”. I actually went through the long protracted process of looking it up on dictionary.com. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/weirdo
Don’t worry, it didn’t take more than eight seconds. I bring all this up not to point out a failure in editing, more that I myself wasn’t sure. And while I could have kept it to myself, I know how much of a fan of information you are, I would have been a selfish jerk toaster lover to not share.
So. You’re welcome. Incidentally, albino pluraficationalizes into “albinos”.
Cue “The More You Know” star.
@John:
#2: I’ve thought of that. I would totally be nervous, and I know my mother didn’t totally believe it. But ultimately, she let me go and trusted me, and I’d probably ultimately do the same. “Toaster appreciation” CANNOT be a real thing, I would think.
#3: I think Facebook would be hard, and it would require everyone to cross two media… this site and FB. I’d like to do it here if possible, but my call to action so far wasn’t very strong (need to make a regular post), and I’m not sure how. A forum would work, but forums die and are embarrassing if nobody uses them regularly. Maybe some sort of wiki. Do you know anything about them?
@Newt: WTF? That’s the most fucked up way to use a toaster I’ve ever heard of. But intriguing.
@Trish: MAW rule all.
@Elvis: Congratulations on being the first person to get the reference! I imagine a lot of people don’t realize it’s not my real name. And you’re thinking too much. I chose the name because I like the book. There’s nothing more to it. And yes, that book is hard as hell to read. But I enjoy a challenge.
@N.C.: Hmm… Wikipedia seems to think it’s either (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/weirdoes ), but who knows what to think of Wikipedia given all of the weirdoes that hang out there.
If you’re seriously interested in doing a wiki, let me know – I have some experience setting them up. For real. Yes, I’m a girl.
If your toaster was once owned by Mickey Rourke, chances are it’s either actually a Chihuahua or might be an alcoholic. Or is an alcoholic Chihuahua, which explains that uniformly terrible Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie that came out last year.
I have also had way too much coffee this morning.
Call me an asshat or something else which I know you will, but why don’t you just unplug the fucker?
Do you know nothing about evil sentient toasters? Jesus.
Fucking amateurs.
Please, I beg of you – for your sanity. You must see the Brave Little Toaster series of dvd’s: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092695/
I do they hope settle down your toaster paranoia, at least somewhat, and bring back your undeniable love for the small appliance.
In seriousness, I have seen almost all of them. My son had a ‘thing’ for the series when he was around 4 yo. Which now makes me a little… ummm… concerned after readng ths post;-) Hoping it was just a phase…
You know, some toasters just go bad. We need to face it. Should it besmirch the image of all toasters? Probably not. But I don’t think I have to tell you not to go down to monster puppet town after dark. Elmo turned out okay, but his brothers? Jesus.
I’m very sorry about your toaster dilemma. I would laugh, but I know how serious kitchen appliance relationships can be. Currently my microwave is very mad at my husband. The other night he tried cooking a bag of popcorn, and it would never pop, just burn the hell out of the popcorn bag. He did this four times with no success. Then a couple days ago he cooked a lean cuisine pizza, and it burned half of it so hard that you couldn’t even bite into it. The crust was black.
I cook things all the time with no problem, but I think because he cursed the microwave it is now mad at him and burns all of his food. Plus our whole house smelled like burned hair/popcorn and it was disgusting.
Yes, but ask your husband to be honest: wasn’t he a bit emasculated to offer the microwave a Lean Cuisine? I find it hard to place too much blame on the appliance. You know it was like, “What the fuck is this?”
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