Seven resolutions

January 2, 2009 by Johnny

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. If you want to change something, you change it right here, right now. You don’t wait until January 1, get all enthusiastic, bust nuts on it for three weeks, and then return to your normal idiocy and sloth. That makes as much sense as Flava Flav wearing a clock around his neck. THEY MAKE WATCHES, YOU KNOW. 

I prefer to think in terms of goals. Like this year, one of my goals is to make ten million dollars. I’m not even kidding, and I’m not at all rich right now. I told my son about my plan. It intrigued him, and he asked if he could have some of those dollars. I asked how many, and he said ten. I showed him how to shake hands for the first time and we officially shook on it. So now we’re partners. He’s like my agent, earning 0.0001%. 

Yesterday morning, he asked if I’d gotten my dollars yet. It’s that leftover Santa mentality, based on ask-and-you-shall-immediately-receive gratification. I told him that it might take as long as June. He was disappointed, but was content to wait.

Still, resolutions do have some serious advantages over goals. You get the self-satisfaction of changing without having to do the work of actually making the change. So in the spirit of the season, even though I think they’re dumb, here are my resolutions for 2009:

1. I resolve to use the words “awesome” and “totally” less often. 
I do use these two words way too much. But that’s mainly because they’re awesome. And “totally” does nothing more than indicate scope, which only adds clarity to a situation. You know what? Fuck you guys. Those words are cool.

2. I resolve to eat less chocolate.
My hobby is going to the gym. For real, I love it there. I’m so totally awesome and hardcore that about a year ago, I broke my left forearm when I caught a 205 pound clean wrong. I refuse to skip a session and once drove halfway across town on Christmas Eve in hideous snow because my pussy gym closed due to inclement weather. And now I’m supposed to give up chocolate? Well fuck that! Have any of you ever driven through a blizzard on Christmas Eve to work out? Have you? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I think I’ve earned the right to dump chocolate chips into a cup, coat a knife with peanut butter, and then dunk the knife into the cup. Stupid lazy people expecting me to give up chocolate…

3. I resolve to watch less TV.
This is a good one. I don’t even want a TV in my house because I can’t stand so much of what is on it. The thing is, it’s hard to abolish TV when you have a baby and you live in Ohio, because the baby can’t do much and you’re trapped inside for like half of every year. What are we supposed to do, stare at the baby for hours on end? We’re not allowed some background noise? Hell, I hardly watch any TV as it is, and half of the time, I’m working on my laptop while I do it anyway. I think I should be allowed to watch some TV. I mean, damn. Cut me some slack.

4. I resolve to stop conducting Q&A sessions like this on my blog, wherein I basically carry on a conversation with myself, like Gollum.
My precious. 

5. I resolve to write more often.
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK I’M TOTALLY WRITING AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK AND IT’S THIS LONG ASS STUFF TOO WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT IS IT LIKE YOU WANT ME TO SELL MY FIRSTBORN LIKE IN THAT MOVIE ROSEMARY’S BABY EXCEPT THAT THAT KID WASN’T SOLD IT WAS MORE LIKE HE WAS SATAN AND THE NEIGHBORS WERE CREEPY WITH THAT BLACK CRADLE AND IT’S LIKE THERE WAS A FUCKING DEMON LIZARD BABY IN THERE EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T SEE IT OH HELL IS THAT CRAZY

6. I resolve to stop smoking.
I actually don’t smoke and never have, but everyone makes this resolution and I want to get on board. Besides, I think it might be an easy one for me to keep. I’m absolutely going to quit cold turkey after I finish this last pack of Kools I’m about to go out and buy. 

7. I resolve to stop eating 2-day-old beef roasts I find at the bottom of the dumpster behind the Old Country Buffet.
Okay, I’m not even dignifying that one with a response. Everyone is allowed their one indulgence.

So here, on the second day of the year in which I make ten million dollars, I wish a happy new year to you and yours. I know we’ll all be better in 2009, thanks to questionable willpower and absolutely no follow-through. Good luck with your half-assed commitments!

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Comments

29 Comments on Seven resolutions

  1. carma on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 11:49 am

    2. good luck with all that, especially the stopping smoking ;)

  2. Joely Black (CharmQuark) on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 11:57 am

    3. I quite like the Gollum conversations, actually. I think you should keep them up.

    I’m making a new year’s resolution to think of some really good new year’s resolutions this year. So far, I’ve decided to have more lie-ins. I’m just not lazy enough.

  3. Chuck on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 12:37 pm

    4. I want to leave a comment to let you know that I really enjoyed this post, but I don’t have anything to add. I figured this was a good strategy.

  4. Meghan on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 12:53 pm

    5. I totally think refraining from using the words “totally” and “awesome” would be totally unawesome. Totally and awesome are the most totally awesome words that we are allowed to use in the english language. I mean really. Can you think one other word in any other language that even comes close to being as totally awesome as totally and awesome? Thought so.

    My resolution is to stop leaving pointless comments on other peoples blogs that don’t really add anything to the conversation….wait…oh crap…

  5. Daisy on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 12:56 pm

    6. I like #6 best.
    Awesome? You could substitute uber. I just heard a commercial for *ahem* feminine products that called them “uber absorbent.” Now you totally want to use the term uber, don’t you?

  6. Mad Asthmatic on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 1:42 pm

    7. totally awesome are the only words in the english language which should never be banned, i mean how else would me be able to describe you and your blog to others.

    my new years resolution is not to make any new years resolutions, gonna be hard to keep that one hee hee

  7. Mad Asthmatic on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 1:44 pm

    8. oh crap – read “we” instead of “me” in the above comment. Fingers are making a bid for independence on keyboard, well I wouldn’t make a typo otherwise would I?

    MA

  8. Tracy on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 2:47 pm

    9. I broke the awesome habit a few years ago and then started watching Yo Gabba Gabba and everything is fucking awesome again, totally.

    I’m glad I never got any tatoos on my cleavage, because it’s already going to be sad when I’m at the nursing home saying “Awesome! That rocks!” when the attendant comes to give me a sponge bath.

  9. Mary Ray Worley on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 5:20 pm

    10. I could have sworn I was carrying on part of that conversation with you! That was you? No way. Get out! I thought you were channeling MY inner gollum. gollum. we likes it raw – and wriggling. :D

  10. Kelvin Kao on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 7:05 pm

    11. Your resolutions are totally awesome!

  11. Johnny Truant on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 9:57 pm

    12. I don’t want anyone making resolutions to not comment unless you have something to say. I tally my self worth on the basis of the number preceding the word “comments.”

    Mitch Hedberg is on our side. He said, “I say the word ‘totally’ too much. I need to find a word that is different, but means the same thing. ‘Hey Mitch, do you like ice cream?’ ‘All-encompassingly!’ “

  12. Unfinished Rambler on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 10:32 pm

    13. I think that last one is one you actually do. Glad you didn’t include a picture, though. Thanks for that.

  13. Jean Gogolin on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 11:14 pm

    14. I have always despised New Year’s resolutions and never made them. If I did, I would vow never to use the word “rocks,” as in “this post rocks,” but I don’t use that word anyway because I’m not young enough to. Besides, it’s silly.

  14. Laurel Plum on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 3:04 am

    15. I am so glad you participated in CW’s project. I haven’t commented before simply because I had nothing witty to add. I felt is was much better to just enjoy the moments after reading then pass the links on where I could. Since your feature time is coming to an end, I thought I would finally ante up and let you know that I love your stories. You are definitely staying in my RSS.

    I admit I cringe just a bit at how often you drop the F bomb, (I know F*** me). It automatically cuts out me sending the links to several people who I know would otherwise love your humor. But I also think your lack of self censorship is part of what makes your story telling style seem so human and the stories so good. So just let me feel better for expressing my thoughts as you keep on writing.

    P.S. I’m with your kid. If you can not just wake up transformed – resolutions are just a big disappointment. If I am not motivated to work for a goal regardless of the time of year, I want that instant gratification, too.

  15. diesel on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 4:17 am

    16. You should resolve to start smoking first. Then when you quit next year, people will give you way more credit. Also, shooting heroin.

  16. Grace Klepin on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 12:10 pm

    17. Oh no! You’re going to give up Kools? Quel domage.

    I hadn’t heard about choc-chips-and-peanut-butter-on-a-knife. OK if I resolve to try it?

    I resolute to quit using so many smileys. Folks should know when I’m joking, right?! :-)

    G.

  17. AnnieH on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 1:41 pm

    18. A high five to Daisy…What marketing genius came up with “uber” for US commercials?? The Third Reich is so over.

  18. Bryan Platz on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 2:11 pm

    19. If I am ever in one of your stories, AND you make your ten million dollars, can I be an “agent” and get .0001%? THAT… would be totally awesome.

  19. Johnny Truant on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 6:27 pm

    20. @Laurel – You bring up a great point, and one that’s come up in my head before. I know I’m cutting out some audience by swearing. But honestly, it’s what comes out and I know that if I censor myself, I’m crapping on what has gotten me this far – what the people who read regularly seem to like. It’s like a great sage once said: “You can’t please everybody, so you got to please yourself.” Although I wish he had added, “…but please don’t do it in public.”

    @Grace – Try it. It’s incredible.

    @Bryan – I think I’m overdue for a Europe story.

  20. Andy Pels on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 6:44 pm

    21. Dude, you’re going to make 10 million dollars this year, too? What a coincidence, so am I. That is awesome.

  21. Johnny Truant on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 7:16 pm

    22. Oh cool. Mine’s going to need someone to play with. There are no other ten million dollarses in the neighborhood.

  22. thinkinfyou on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 8:28 pm

    23. This post was totally awesome!! Good luck with your resolutions!

  23. Marcia on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 9:18 pm

    24. I’m with Laurel. But then you know that.

    And I thank you for the censorship you have already done in my honor.

  24. Lisa Paul on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 11:14 pm

    25. You forgot the resolution about when you are going to stop beating your wife.

  25. Monica on Sat, 3rd Jan 2009 11:59 pm

    26. Awesome is one of my favoritest words. There are so many ways to use it. Awesome, awesomest, awesomeness….

    And that thing you said you do with the chocolate????? Has me running to the kitchen immediately. Awesomeness.

    And @Daisy: I recently added uber to my daily lexicon, my girlfriend has already threatened to throw me down stairs if she hears it one more time.

    And one more thing. I demand that you write more often, I mean, like, every day. Ok? Please?

  26. Dan on Sun, 4th Jan 2009 9:22 am

    27. I am totally going to try dunking a PB covered knife in the choc. chips, that sounds AWESOME!!!

  27. Dan on Sun, 4th Jan 2009 9:25 am

    28. Oh yea, and yes I have driven to the gym in a blizzard on X-mas eve but unlike your candy ass gym, mine never closes.

  28. Johnny Truant on Sun, 4th Jan 2009 10:32 am

    29. I can’t believe a load like you hasn’t tried the PB knife in the chips thing. It’s right up there with bacon and mayo.

  29. Mike Stankavich on Sun, 4th Jan 2009 1:08 pm

    30. Don’t forget deep fried twinkies :P Don’t they just sound uberrific?

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