Rattle the vote

November 7, 2008 by Johnny

My daughter said her first word the other day. It was “Obama.”

This came out of the blue, on Wednesday morning of all times. I had watched election coverage the night before and thought Obama would probably win, but I hadn’t yet found out for sure. And I was actually wondering, just meaning to fire up CNN and take a look when the baby just sort of announced it to me: “Obama. Obama.” Smart girl. She’s just like one of those news anchors, except that she still craps in her pants. So like I said, she’s just like one of those news anchors.

Now for real: I’m just reporting this as fact. I am not making a political statement. I’ve gotten comments from conservatives who think I’m leaning too far left on this blog of late, but I’m not leaning left so much as I’m leaning toward the easier target. Believe me, if Barack Obama made the faces that John McCain makes, I’d be posting his photo everywhere. But he doesn’t.

But don’t trust me. Try it yourself. Do a Google images search for “funny McCain picture” and you get the photos we all know and love. Do the same for “funny Obama picture,” and you get clever fakes as well as things like this:

I’m not saying that I love Obama (though I do like him) or that I don’t like McCain (because I do). All I’m saying is that my daughter has clearly chosen sides and that not once — NOT FUCKING ONCE — has she said “McCain.” And this despite the fact that my mother has surely been whispering it to her, coaching her in the same way my stepfather has tried to teach my son to say “Go Steelers” to infuriate my Browns-fan wife.

So don’t blame me. I’m trying not to be too partisan. You want to argue politics with someone, you come argue with my baby. Just know that she’s not offended by the prospect of socialized healthcare, and that she may well be gassy.

So yeah. Wednesday morning, I’m in my office and she’s saying “Oh-baaah-ma!” and it occurs to me that the Obama campaign has been so grassroots and viral that there is a distinct possibility that our new president-elect was born Barack Heffernan. Maybe the surname we know was the brainchild of some clever campaign manager who knew a bit about building brand mindshare with young Americans. Because really, everyone knows that politicians can’t win if they don’t get along well with babies. They smile at babies, they kiss babies, they smile while dressing up like Kiss for babies. And inevitably, the parent is going to coach the baby, to say, “Can you smile for the nice man?” And then they say his name. And then boom, checkmate, game over. Because who would a baby rather coo to? “Oh-baaah-ma” or “Mik-kane?” What kind of babies can grapple with “McCain”?

Irish babies, that’s who. And they’re drunk most of the time anyway.

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Comments

8 Comments on Rattle the vote

  1. Mike on Fri, 7th Nov 2008 11:18 pm

    2. I can say as a former Irish baby that I was actually drunk all of the time. Most of the time I was awake though. Does that count?

  2. Johnny Truant on Sat, 8th Nov 2008 7:21 am

    3. I think I can accept sleep as a “net drunk-equivalent state.” You don’t do embarrassing things like when you’re awake, but you’re not productive either.

  3. Ed on Sat, 8th Nov 2008 7:44 am

    4. Ha!

  4. Daisy on Sat, 8th Nov 2008 10:36 pm

    5. We have a saying at home: “Are you smarter than a news anchor?”
    I admit it: my husband is a broadcast engineer who calls the on-air folk “News Weasels.”

  5. Betty Duffy on Tue, 11th Nov 2008 5:38 pm

    6. http://thehusteds.blogspot.com/2008/11/you-can-buy-anything-in-america.html

    Look how my kids viewed the candidates: clearly Obama in the lead, regardless of their belief that Democrats have yellow eyes.

  6. Anya on Tue, 11th Nov 2008 7:37 pm

    7. As a serious (rabid and foaming at mouth) Ravens fan, it’s a huge sin that your stepfather is trying to infect your children with Steelers love. *sniff* Duct tape will solve the stepfather problem; I’ve used it on my husband when he starts talking trash (man’s a Redskins fan, but he has other redeeming qualities that outweigh that flaw).

    Off topic, thanks for the great comment on my blog, unfortunately I went pretty much internet MIA until yesterday and am not getting around to replying until now (read: my ass is slow). Thanks so much for the writing style comment, and right back at you. You make me laugh my ass off (when it isn’t being slow). As for the voluntary hell called Nanowrimo, it is being useful in that it is getting me to sit down and write almost everyday, however, you’re probably right about the crap part.

  7. Johnny Truant on Wed, 12th Nov 2008 9:16 am

    8. “The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” right? The Browns don’t like the Ravens either, but both fans hate the Steelers. I can walk the line because I frankly don’t give a shit; it’s my wife who cares. The Browns are so terrible that they make baby Jesus cry.

    Good luck with that slow but easily amused ass.

  8. Kali on Fri, 21st Nov 2008 1:58 am

    9. If my baby spat out “Obama” I would launch my TV set out the third floor window, especially if it was tuned to CNN

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