What? This post is totally innocent.
The Max & Erma’s restaurant near us has this stupid game that’s like a cross between pinball and skeeball. There’s a set of ringed holes (this is the skeeball part) on the far end of the game, and you try to shoot a small metal ball into them by pulling back a plunger and letting it go (the pinball part).
Each of the ringed holes has a point value assigned to it. You get seven balls, and your goal is to score as highly as possible using those seven. The game promises that you’ll “Win a prize every time!” but the joke is on the sucker who plays it because it costs 50 cents and the prizes are various-sized superballs. So even when you win, you lose.
Of course, every time we go, that sucker is me. We played on Friday, Austin and I taking turns shooting the balls into the holes, and walked away with two brightly colored superballs that I’m sure will eventually end up lodged in someone’s throat.
On the ride home, Austin stuck the superballs into his pockets and decided to try to outsmart us.
Austin: “Daddy? Mommy? Do you know where my balls are?”
Me: “Your balls are missing?”
Austin: “I can’t find them. My balls are gone.”
Robin: “Austin, your balls are your responsibility.”
Austin: “Daddy, do you know where my balls are?”
We were at a stoplight, so I looked back. He was all smiley, like he was hiding something. Or two things.
Me: “Are they in your pants?”
Austin: [searching] “Haha! Yes! My balls are in my pants! Did you know that my balls were in my pants?”
Robin: “Well, it’s where they should be.”
Austin: “I’m going to play with them.”
Me: “Hey! Don’t play with your balls in the car. Keep them in your pants.”
Robin: “Always a good policy. In fact, I want you to keep your balls in your pants until you turn 18.”
Austin, of course, proceeded to defy us by taking his balls out and playing with them on the drive home. Eventually he started showing them to Sydney, age 15 months. This was a problem since she tends to eat everything, including the 7, 9, and plus sign off of a calculator.
Me: “Austin! Keep your balls away from your sister.”
Austin: “She likes them.”
Robin: “She could choke on them. Keep them to yourself.”
Austin: “I’m just putting them on her.”
Me: “Don’t put your balls on your sister. I’ll bet your uncle never put his balls on Mommy when they were growing up.”
Robin: “Damn right.”
Austin: “Did he even have balls?”
Me: “That’s what I hear. Big ones. And yet he managed to keep them to himself.”
Austin: [seeking a happy medium] “I’ll just put them next to her.”
Me: “Keep them to yourself or you’re going to lose them. I’ll… separate you from your balls.”
Austin put them away, back in his pants, and proceeded to stare out the window. He’d normally suck his thumb in the car and fall into a sort of coma, but he can only do that when he has Brown Bear, and Brown Bear was in Robin’s car. We like having Brown Bear around because it keeps him quiet. It’s like doping him up, so that car rides with him are kind of like to transporting cargo.
Austin: “Mommy? Can I take my balls to school on Monday?”
Robin: “No.”
Austin: “But I really want to.”
Robin: “Why?”
Austin: “I want to show them to Veronica and play with them.”
Robin: [turning around] “All right, give me those things.”
Comments
8 Comments on What? This post is totally innocent.
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Shannon on
Sun, 12th Jul 2009 11:32 am
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Tracy on
Sun, 12th Jul 2009 12:18 pm
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Sean Oliver on
Sun, 12th Jul 2009 1:39 pm
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Adrenalynn on
Sun, 12th Jul 2009 2:27 pm
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Casey on
Sun, 12th Jul 2009 8:25 pm
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Monica Evans on
Mon, 13th Jul 2009 4:11 pm
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Johnny B. Truant on
Mon, 13th Jul 2009 9:14 pm
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WG on
Tue, 14th Jul 2009 9:29 am
The best thing about the internet is nothing ever goes away. This story will be around forever, only to surface the day he plans to propose the woman of his dreams.
Oh if only our balls conversations around here were so innocent! I had to tell son-I-won’t-identify-but-will-if-he-continues that if he wanted his sausage and eggs to be another character in his Star Wars game he was going to have to do that in his own room.
Kids are rad.
Awesome! This is like every conversation we have with our three year old.
Wow – my husband is like your kid.
Last week he was walking around with two giant hex nuts in his pockets, went to his favorite bar, and asked anyone who would listen, “hey, wanna see my nuts?”
Those darn kids say the funniest things… then their parents make it all dirty and stuff 
Thanks for the laugh, now everyone in the coffee shop thinks I’m crazy.
I’m all annoyed I didn’t think of the NUTS idea. Could also be done with peanuts.
Also, there’s a line I forgot to include: “GET YOUR BALLS OFF OF HER FACE; I’M NOT TELLING YOU AGAIN!”
made me snigger at work, balls are always funny.
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