Operators Are Standing By!
On my desk are several piles. One is a stack of photos, including a fantastic shot of me with two of Bill Clinton’s secret service agents — the agent on the left having announced that for this particular shot, he would be “the stoic one.” Another pile is of CDs. The neatest and largest pile is on top of my filing cabinet, comprised of instructional tape series on loan from my mother. I need to remember to return them next time I head back toward her place because Joel Silverman’s Hollywood Dog Training Program is among them.
Mom sent the Hollywood Dog Training Program my way when my wife Robin and I adopted our black mutt, Monty. She was able to send it because she already had it, and she had it because she apparently owns a very persuasive television. When my mother saw the HDTP infomercial, visions of Lassie and Spuds McKenzie began to dance in her head. Before she bought the program, the sad truth is that her dogs were not in the least Hollywood. None surfed. None alerted her of children who had fallen down local wells. None voted, or at least didn’t do so often. But now, months and a hundred dollars later, her house contains only dogs who are not in the least Hollywood.
CASE STUDY #1:
Name: Margaret
Summary: A wiry-haired terrier who can jump straight up off of all four legs at once, to waist level. Like most of our past and present dogs, Margaret “named herself,” meaning that we let her live with us for a few weeks until we spontaneously started to call her Margaret. The spell did not, apparently, affect my stepbrother Jason, so my mother affixed a note to the top of his shoe. Whenever he looked down to see a wiry gray thing at his feet, he was thus able to name it.
Prior training: Invisible Fence
Margaret was trained to stay inside an Invisible Fence. The system is simple: A line is buried around the perimeter of the yard, and dogs wear collars which beep as they approach the boundary line. If a dog does not turn around, the beeping speeds up and eventually the collar administers a small correctional shock.
Our other dogs learned the system quickly, but Margaret would sit down, dumbfounded, if the collar began to beep. You had to remove the collars when the dogs came inside, because the loop started and ended in the basement, making parts of the house Invisible Fence forbidden zones. One time, someone forgot to remove Margaret’s collar and when it began to beep, she ran to her bed for safety. As luck would have it, her bed actually resided on top of the boundary line. Perplexed, Margaret remained in bed and was beeped at and shocked until my mother rescued her.
Results: To this day, Margaret is terrified of high-pitched beeping. Phones, watches, microwaves — all make Margaret tremble in fear. My stepfather Todd also declares that Margaret eats poop.
CASE STUDY #2
Name: Connie
Summary: An arthritic Black and Tan Coonhound who receives extensive praise for simply existing. Among the kudos bestowed upon Connie by Todd are “Her likes to do things,” “Her stands around,” and “Her breathes air.” When her is not actually doing things, Todd often points out that her thinkin her might like-a do things. During the remaining time, Connie lies comatose on the couch, buried in pillows. If she is summoned, the tip of her tail will thump excitedly while everything else remains motionless.
Prior training: Dog intelligence test
My mother once read in a magazine about a dog intelligence test. The test is administered by draping a kitchen towel over the dog’s head and observing how long it takes the dog to get it off. Kuzi, our Husky, shook the towel away immediately. Connie paced leisurely from room to room wearing it like a babushka, then laid down and went to sleep. Margaret cowered in a corner with the towel covering her like a shroud.
“She thinks she’s being punished,” Mom explained.
Results: No Hollywood dogs in the house.
Now, in all fairness to Joel Silverman, one possible reason for the program’s failure may have been that it was never actually used. The thrill of an infomercial for my mother is the purchase, not the use – although the use of some of these buys have yielded spectacular results. Consider our Ron Popeil pasta maker with the interchangeable extrusion nozzles. Mom used it for a while after seeing the infomercial, deciding to take Ron Popeil’s suggestion and try the delicious chocolate pasta.
Results: Pasta should never be chocolate. Under penalty of death.
We have a salad spinner, which makes washing greens easy and painless. We have several massagers for soothing tight neck muscles. In the basement is an exercise machine which you use by pulling the handles forward while simultaneously thrusting your hips out. This works your legs, abs, back, and arms all at once without the trouble of firing up your CD player to actually do the Hustle. There are three or four other pieces of equipment down there, too. I don’t know the official name of any. We call them, “that things the laundry is hanging on.”
There’s a hand blender that can make mayonnaise out of egg whites as easily as it can make fruit smoothies. I talked her out of that.
Then one day, I saw an infomercial for an inside-the-shell egg scrambler. You simply impale an egg on a needle and push a button to spin the needle rapidly inside the egg’s shell. When you crack the egg open, it’s already scrambled.
I thought this was a hilarious idea, so I called my mother into the room. She copied the number down and a struggle over the phone ensued as I tried to save her from herself.
But it’s getting better. She’s either improving or running out of money. I never saw the RonCo rotisserie (”Just set it… and forget it!”) or the VacuSeal storage bags which can collapse a closetful of clothes to the size of a suitcase. And as incredible as it seems, I never saw George Foreman’s “Lean, Mean, Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine” on my mother’s countertop.
No, that was one that Dad fell for.
Comments
One Comment on Operators Are Standing By!
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Ike Turner on
Sun, 8th Mar 2009 8:20 pm
Cool!!! Good point of view, loved it. Great site, congratulations.
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