I've literally lost my mind. Anyone seen it?

May 8, 2009 by Johnny

The recent flurry of activity surrounding my “Um, words…” post has led me to believe that:

1. My readers are huge nerds,

2. My readers are argumentative, and

3. My readers have unresolved and throbbing sexual issues amongst themselves.

So because I believe in giving the people what they want, I opted to rent us all a hotel room in Chicago and stock it with a bunch of padded foam Gladiator weapons and cheap sexual lubricant. But then I found out that room service there has a mandatory tip for the delivery guy and I was like FUCK THAT and slapped together the following language abuse post on the word “literally” instead.

Understanding the correct and incorrect uses of the word “literally” allows the sophisticated nerd to have private nerd glee at unexpected and delightful intervals throughout the week as people misuse it. Someone says it wrong, you laugh inside, you feel a little dirty because THIS is how you get your jollies, the moment passes, the offending parties go on and say something else stupid, and the circle of life rolls on.

So let’s just get the definition out of the way, shall we? “Literally” means that the phrase it refers to is exactly true, with no hyperbole. I think of it as a “metaphor buster,” confirming that what you’ve got is definitely not to be taken figuratively, as merely a figure of speech.

Metaphor (or simile): “This car seat is as hot as the sun!”
Actual meaning: “This car seat is really, really hot!”

But now let’s toss that metaphor buster in there by adding “literally”:

Non-metaphor/simile: “This car is literally as hot as the sun!”
Actual meaning: “This car seat is approximately 5500 degrees Celsius!”

Got it? Good. Now let’s take a look at other examples of how people have used “literally” in a way that, taken literally, literally confuse the living shit out of me.

• Kristen Stewart from the movie Twilight recently reported: “I get to do something that literally if I didn’t get to do, I would implode.”

Oh, shit. Well, thank God she was able to get into acting, because can you imagine if she imploded? She’d be all tiny and dense and shit. And if she got fat first, she might have had enough mass that her implosion would cause a black hole. Whew, crisis averted.

• From a random blog, about the Olympics: “Anyways, that opening weekend we literally vegetated on the sofa for 48 hours straight, it was kinda awesome.”

This would actually be kind of awesome, when you think about it. I hope they had dip. You wouldn’t have to leave the couch at all, because you could be like, “Hey, Carl, you need your leg anymore?” Of course, if you were a habitual meat-eater, you’d probably be pissed because this scenario would be like hanging out with hippies all the time. Hopefully one of the veggies would have brought a bong before becoming fully rooted.

• In early 2008, it was reported that Bill Clinton “literally shocked his audience” by criticizing Obama.

What a cocksucker. I’d be pissed. I wonder how he did it. Do you think it was Joy Buzzer style? Is that literal enough? Or did he use electricity. I’m thinking it would almost have to be that. 110 volts from a house line right up the ass of every attendee sitting in a metal chair. “You like Obama? Well sit on this, you fuckers!” BZZZZZ! No wonder the man got a second term in office.

• On a random news report: “The popularity of this program has literally turned the city upside down.”

Fuck, I’m not going there. Can you imagine using the toilets? And you’d better have a good grip when you went outside or you’d fall right the fuck into space. I’d stay inside and turn my grid of ceiling lights into a Dance Dance Revolution game pad.

• When Britney Spears started getting fat a few years ago, a doc warned that she was “literally on a roller coaster to hell.”

A roller coaster to and through Hell would rule as long as the ride didn’t break down in the middle and you got stuck doing some tedious ironic punishment, like habitual flatulents being farted on by Satan for all eternity. Barring that, I think you could make a lot of money off of a ride like that as long as 1) you could dig deep enough, 2) you paid Satan off from stealing souls through the cameras along the track, and 3) you were in no way affiliated with Goofy or Donald Duck.

• Let’s close on a truly barbaric one. A mall Santa reported that “I’ve had children just literally tear my heart out.”

These stupid kids today, let me tell you. They see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom ONE FUCKING TIME and suddenly they’re all Mola Ram 24/7, ripping their chubby little hands into the chests of everyone they run into. And Santa? Really? How is eviscerating Santa going to help? Sure, you appease the gods enough to bolster the fall harvest, but Christmas becomes at least 70% less holly and jolly. I think that’s a net loss regardless of how many starve. Sacrifice a fucking goat already. They’re fairly useless.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get a second pair of shoes because I am literally beside myself with anticipation of the response I’m going to get to this post.

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Comments

22 Comments on I've literally lost my mind. Anyone seen it?

  1. Trish on Fri, 8th May 2009 8:31 am

    2. Okay, I couldn’t stop laughing at this one. Literally. As I write this, I’m still giggling. Now I’m going to have to go to the doctor’s again, to help me with this uncontrollable laughter. Johnny B, you fucker, nice job.

    On the plus side, that Guinness record should be a breeze…

  2. Mike Stankavich on Fri, 8th May 2009 9:06 am

    3. Nice one Johnny! A bit Carlinesque, which in my book is a very very good thing. Literally.

    Another word that I seriously wonder about is unbelievable. Some guy wins a big sporting event. TV anchor asks him how he feels. Guy says “Unbelievable.” OK, so he doesn’t believe that he won the race? Or he thinks that nobody will believe what he’s saying? I just don’t know. It’s literally a throw-away word these days. Unbelievable.

  3. JoVE on Fri, 8th May 2009 10:22 am

    4. Yep, laughing so hard my kid is wondering about my sanity. And Mike is right about the Carlinesque. but there are many worse things in the world than being Carlinesque.

    I’m going to tweet this for my homeschool peeps. Because those people LOVE grammar (and they can suck up the swearing).

  4. C. Andres on Fri, 8th May 2009 11:34 am

    5. I literally shit my pants when I read this.

  5. Bill S on Fri, 8th May 2009 12:54 pm

    6. Right on, Mr. T.; a laugh-out-loud to start the day is always appreciated!

    Which reminds me … will you tackle salutations for us someday? See, I don’t really give a fuck how people are faring when I automatically spout, “Good morning, Floyd. How are you?” But I can’t seem to stop after the Floyd bit. Ditto when I’m asked how I’m doing. “None ya” or “lemme be” is more like it, especially in the morning, but I squeeze out a cheery, “great, thanks”, and then perpetuate the insanity by asking THEM how THEY are. A literal exercise in futility.

  6. Mike on Fri, 8th May 2009 1:15 pm

    7. Bill, since I’m on a Carlin kick today, I’ll refer you to his “Have a nice day” bit at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vmknnXoOJk. He covers “how are you” at 2:11.

  7. Johnny B. Truant on Fri, 8th May 2009 1:18 pm

    8. C. Andres is winning these comments so far. But Bill S. gets a close second for calling me “Mr. T.”

  8. Trish on Fri, 8th May 2009 6:30 pm

    9. I literally fucked myself over by responding to this post.

  9. @ncwinters on Fri, 8th May 2009 7:42 pm

    10. Wow, where to begin?

    Mr. Truant- Awesome, truly Carlinesque indeed, which is NEVER a bad thing.

    Bill- Totally with you on that. Here’s a tip- do what I do and answer with something (literally?) mind blowing like:

    Them: “How’s it going today?”

    You: “Better, now that all the goats are finally out of the living room. Except the dead ones of course, say who do you think I should call to remove them, animal control or is that a CDC type of thing?”

    I guarantee that you’ll literally be memorable for at least the entire day.

    C. Andes- nice reference. I’m assuming of course you’re referencing David Cross’s awesome standup bit about literally shitting his pants? If not, check it out.

    Trish- What can I say? I have been struggling with the image though. Did you knock your self over from so much self-fucking, or was it more an altitude thing?

    I myself personally love using literally intentionally ridiculously wrong, more to see if those who know what literally mean will call me out. Such as, holy crap, that car seat must be literally 732 degrees! I’ve been doing it so much though, sometimes I forget whether or not I actually know the correct time to use it. How about guesstimate, anyone else hate that one? You’re guessing or estimating- both the same thing! Guesstimate is literally retarded.

    More of these, Johnny!

  10. Karenv on Fri, 8th May 2009 10:30 pm

    11. OMG. LOL to all a yous…

  11. Trish on Sat, 9th May 2009 12:43 am

    12. Yeh I’m not sure where “over” comes in. Over what? Over a hill? Maybe that phrase could use a well-placed comma:

    I literally fucked myself, over.

    As in, pilot lingo? But that just makes me think of Airplane (the movie) and the whole, “Roger, Roger,” joke they had going. And then I think of the nun beating the shit out of the hysterical woman (and the “Stewardess, I speak jive” line) and I forget where I was.

    Fucking retarded. Literally.

  12. @ncwinters on Sat, 9th May 2009 3:54 am

    13. LOLz. I could just hear the sound of an airplane pilot saying it all calm and collected in that loudspeaker voice. My buddies and I used to be able to do the entire jive conversation without missing a line. We’d do it nonstop. And people hated us for it.

    In rereading the actual original post, I think children literally tearing out Santa’s heart will be my next Christmas card. Little rascals.

  13. Trish on Sat, 9th May 2009 8:11 am

    14. On a similar note, nothing loses Twitter followers quicker than a fun recitation of Airplane lines.

    Blazing Saddles or Young Frankenstein work equally well.

    Your Christmas card idea reminds me of the card I sent out last year – 1950’s-era picture of a woman next to the Christmas tree with a fur stole around her, husband next to her looking all proud, setting is obviously Christmas morning and she’s just opened her present from the husband. Caption below is:

    “Oh honey, it’s so beautiful, and it’s almost the exact same color as Mittens! ….Mittens? Honey, have you seen Mittens?”

    Love it.

  14. @ncwinters on Mon, 11th May 2009 1:24 am

    15. Nice. Nothing says “Season’s Greetings” like implied kitten murder. You really don’t like Airplane, Blazing Saddles or Young Frankenstein? All classics! Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit amphetamines!

  15. Trish on Mon, 11th May 2009 1:32 am

    16. Yes, I do love me some kitty mayhem. Makes one feel so warm and…fuzzy (sorry, I couldn’t resist).

    And no, I *love* Blazing Saddles, Airplane, and YF (”Sedagive! Sedagive!”). It’s just that it drives other people bonkers to constantly be parrying lines from those movies. I love them because I know them virtually by heart. (”Mongo only pawn, in game of life.”)

  16. N.C. Winters on Mon, 11th May 2009 11:51 am

    17. One of my faves is the whole red zone/yellow zone conversations between the couple with the abortion, playing it aloud for all to hear in Airplane.

    We’re running out of topics, we need to keep posting. Any thoughts on swine flu? I’ve been following it like mad mainly to watch the rampant fear sweep through the world. Favorite so far: Egypt slaughtering 300,000 pigs out of “safety concerns”.

  17. Badger on Mon, 11th May 2009 9:35 pm

    18. It always bugs me in movies when the mysterious guy says “It is more powerful (or deadly, or evil) than you can possibly imagine”. Really? I can’t imagine something more extreme than what the cheesy cgi is going to churn out by the end of the movie?

  18. Johnny B. Truant on Mon, 11th May 2009 9:37 pm

    19. Good point. How the hell do you know what I can imagine?

  19. Michelle - Word Ninja on Wed, 13th May 2009 1:16 pm

    20. @Mike – I had a history teacher in college who constantly used “unbelievable.” Everything was unbelievable. The way we acted was unbelievable. The hardships people endured were unbelievable. I can remember nothing else from that class but her Austrian accent and the word “unbelievable.”

    I felt like Inigo Montoya some days. “You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

    @Badger – I think that’s also just lazy writing. That way they don’t have to imagine what it could be more powerful/deadly/evil than.

  20. Laurel on Thu, 14th May 2009 3:04 pm

    21. Another take on literally: http://www.slate.com/id/2129105/ Yours is really, literally more humorous though, Johnny.

  21. Johnny B. Truant on Fri, 15th May 2009 8:04 am

    22. Ha, that’s literally the first link ending in 2129105/ I’ve ever seen.

    It’s also figuratively a laugh riot.

  22. » Follow Up to “Are You “Literally” an Idiot?” on Mon, 18th May 2009 7:55 am

    23. [...] recently came across another blogger posting on the same thing, and I have to say, his examples are very [...]

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