I will kill Frosty the Snowman

I’m sitting here inside, by the fire, with the laptop on my lap where, strangely enough, its heat is not burning my genitals. Sitting by the fire in the winter is a pretty cool thing. You get heat, you get light, you get hydrocarbons combining with oxygen to create carbon dioxide and ambiance. But there’s one downside to sitting by the fire, and it’s that for normal people, it has to be cold outside in order to do it.

Stupid dumbass doucherocket cocksucking cold.

I hate the winter. It wasn’t always that way, though. We used to be cool, winter and I. We used to hang out and have drinks and score hot chicks. I remember the time winter got drunk and picked up this one girl at a a club who wasn’t even wearing a top but instead had little X’s of black electrical tape on her nipples and winter was all like, “I’m going to get this girl back to my place and videotape her in my sex swing” and I was like, “That’s totally a dude with implants” but winter wouldn’t listen to me and took him/her home and then he/she beat the shit out of winter with a Lionel Richie box set and tied him up in the bathroom and stole his copy of Gilmore Girls season 1.

But then it dawned on me that no matter how much I do for winter, winter always dumps snow all over me and makes my snot freeze into stalactites and takes like four hours of daylight every single day. So yeah, fuck him.

Last week, we got around seventeen feet of snow because apparently life had gotten too easy and I needed a challenge. I shoveled a trench in the snow heading back toward our barn and spent twenty minutes trying to start the tractor so that I could plow the driveway. This is an incredibly awesome and non-frustrating experience in which I sit on a cold metal seat, crank the engine, flood it, turn off the gas, crank, turn the gas back on, crank, drain the battery, trudge through the already-collapsed trench back to the house, get the battery charger, hook it up, flood the engine, lose feeling in my fingers and below the waist, turn the gas off, crank, turn the gas on, then hold the choke open while the engine catches, then struggles for five minutes.

After plowing the driveway, tundra winds arise and blow the snow back across it. We typically are able to ram the cars through these drifts a few times before getting one of them stuck, necessitating another fight with the tractor. At this point, the mailman will drop our mail into the snow and a drunk neighbor will find one of my paychecks, look up our phone number in the book, call, and leave a detailed message on our answering machine as to the check’s amount and my Social Security number.

Here are some fun winter facts I’ve discovered this year:

1. There are several things on a Toyota Camry that you should NOT attach a tow hook to. Attaching a tow hook to these things will result in damage and laughs by drunk neighbors. I will tell you what these unwise tow-points are as soon as the snow thaws and/or I puncture a tire on them.

2. UPS trucks get stuck too. The only difference is that UPS trucks are stocked with a lot of equipment that allows the driver to destroy your yard.

3. It takes approximately fifteen minutes on a metal tractor seat for the ass of a person wearing Dockers and boxer shorts to become completely numb. It takes another twenty minutes to approach pain. Imagining saying the phrase, “I lost my ass to frostbite” will not make this situation funnier. Sitting on heated gelpacks after coming inside will lessen trauma, but is not considered sexy by some wives.

4. The rules of winter driving say that you won’t skid off the road if you don’t accelerate, brake, or turn while on snow or ice. So the other day when I was in my car, I just turned on the radio and talked on my cell phone. It took me forever to get home that way.

5. Some websites have Boca Burger ads in the sidebars, and when you try to click on a link in the text, the ads expand out of the sidebars and cover what you’re trying to click. Then when you move your cursor away, the Boca ads retract and totally say, “Got you that time! But for real, go ahead and click that link now. I won’t expand and get in your way. Honest.” And then you move your cursor in again and the ad comes right back out and cockblocks you and is all like, “Ha ha, you stupid fucker!”

(Don’t watch the below video at work with the sound on unless your boss is way cool.)

6. Smokey the Bear says that only YOU can prevent forest fires, but that’s total crap because that would mean that everyone but YOU should be able to just kind of throw lit matches everywhere, and you know that the minute you try that, Smokey is going to come up to you, frothing at the mouth and wearing brass knuckles, and he’s going to be all, “Now I’m going to have to fuck you up.”

The last two really have nothing to do with the cold, but I did learn them this winter. Except for the Smoky one.

So, yeah.

The weather isn’t supposed to improve much. More cold, like in the teens and lower. More snow. Forecasters are predicting numerous hilarious incidents of people falling down. Ugh.

That’s it. I’m calling Boca. They’re going to pay for this.

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