Kids are messed up
I’ve found that when I write about my kids, several things happen:
1. My readers with kids think it’s great, and they get it all, and they relate, and they comment up a storm.
2. My readers without kids do nothing and probably don’t think it’s funny. I used to be like this. If you don’t have kids, chances are you don’t think kids are terribly interesting or engaging or funny, and you may just kind of be annoyed by them. This is why once you have kids, your childless friends disappear, then later reappear once they have kids and have been excommunicated from the cool world as well.
3. My dad gets all excited.
4. N.C. Winters and Trish argue in the comments, with a weird sexual tension. Although to be fair, that’s also true when I write about buying snow shovels or flogging circus clowns.
So, in an attempt to please all parties (and because I’m lazy, and also due chiefly to laziness, and also laziness is really the only reason) I’m going to offer a bulleted list of weird shit my kids have done recently. This makes it scannable for non-kid-fans, and also I’m lazy. Which goes well with my laziness, conveniently. And also, the list isn’t actually bulleted.
WEIRD THING #1: Bean parties
My daughter Sydney isn’t know as “Sydney” in our house. She’s known as “The Bean,” which finally fulfills my lifelong desire to have an offspring whose name starts with an article, like “The Beaver” or “The Gooch.” The name allows for many hilarious sentences, such as, “Monty! Stop licking The Bean!” and “That’s one belligerent Bean.” And naturally, it allows for Bean Parties.
Bean Parties are my son Austin’s invention. You have to go into the bedroom and hide under the covers until The Bean goes into the master bathroom. When she comes out, you have to yell, “Oh no, it’s The Bean!” and hide again.
Don’t look at me. I didn’t invent this game. Kids are weird as hell.
WEIRD THING #2: Kids’ observations on death
Austin [out of the blue]: “Daddy, you’re going to die before I do.”
Me: “Where did you hear that?”
Austin: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Why do you think I’ll die first?”
Austin: “Because you’re older than me. So you’ll die before I do.”
Me: “Well, that’s probably true. I hope it’s true.”
Austin: “Why do you hope it’s true?”
Me: “I… uh… anyway, that won’t happen for a long time.”
Austin: “So, before you die, you have to get me all of the Transformers in the world.”
WEIRD THING #3: Kids really do say funny shit
• After falling off of his bike: “Good thing I’m talented.”
• After being asked if he still collects toilet paper tubes: “Oh, I got out of that business.”
• Referring to McDonald’s fries, while feeding them to his sister: “This goes in The Bean.”
• Re: a “Kidz Bops” CD, wherein kids cover popular songs: “This is dumb music.”
• After overhearing my joke while passing a “Lube Stop” oil change center: “What’s K-Y?” (My answer: “It’s a dessert.”)
—
That’s all I have. Those of you without kids can resume reading now. And N.C. and Trish? You’re both married. Knock it off.
Comments
11 Comments on Kids are messed up
-
Trish on
Wed, 13th May 2009 1:41 pm
-
Trish on
Wed, 13th May 2009 1:42 pm
-
Johnny B. Truant on
Wed, 13th May 2009 1:46 pm
-
Claire on
Wed, 13th May 2009 2:29 pm
-
N.C. Winters on
Wed, 13th May 2009 2:41 pm
-
Trish on
Wed, 13th May 2009 4:18 pm
-
N.C. Winters on
Wed, 13th May 2009 5:14 pm
-
Mike Drips on
Wed, 13th May 2009 7:09 pm
-
Johnny B. Truant on
Wed, 13th May 2009 8:47 pm
-
Trish on
Thu, 14th May 2009 8:15 am
-
John on
Thu, 14th May 2009 12:11 pm
Hey hey HEY now. There’s no sexual tension here, between me and NC. Except that there is for him because he gets off on getting abused. And it’s not like I’m some kind of weird freak who stays home all day hanging out online and correcting people’s grammar.
And it’s not like good grammar turns me on. Although…you used brackets – and ellipses – and a numbered AND a bulleted list….
I think I need a cold shower….
When should we expect that post about flogging circus clowns (is there any other kind of clown, anyway?)?
Rodeo clowns. You don’t fuck with those guys.
BTW, if you haven’t seen it, you should watch “Shakes the Clown.” Priceless.
This IS a good post, Johnny…thanks for reminding me that I’m not the only one with the weird kids. Or thinking my kids are weird, evil monsters. Oh wait…you didn’t say that.
Damn, Trish beat me to the punch (which she’ll make into some kind of sexual thing, I’m sure) about the clown flogging. Now I have to go back and search through all your posts about clowns, flogging, and/or the circus. And for the record, if you’ll note, SHE’s doing all the talking about what turns ME on. How about THAT for the random USE of CAPS?
Also, my wife’s nearly due with her kid, that throws me into some kind of limbo-mid group about kids, though I totally admit I lie in the ‘without children’ group. I’m looking forward to my kids doing their own cool random crap that is amusing, though for now I can appreciate that everyone else’s children are totally lame most of the time.
I love this, NC – your wife is nearly due with “her” kid? What, you had a friend come in and lend a hand? That just opens you up for ALL kinds of jokes about your manhood (which I will refrain from making because I’m a lady and shit).
But I will say this:
What, the boys can’t swim?
Fair enough. But as I’ve stated (somewhere, my blog I think) before: once I am able to squeeze a bowling ball through MY ladyhole, I’ll start saying WE’RE pregnant, until then, SHE’s pregnant, and not me. I should have said OUR kid in that instance though, fair enough. I should know the grammar fetishist would catch me on something like that.
My swimmers can get the job done, as long as they’re wearing water wings and stay in the shallow end. Run with it. Let’s see whatcha got.
My kid is 22. This is a good thing for the following reasons: 1) I no longer have to change diapers. 2) My kid can not only bring me a beer, but she can DRIVE HER OWN CAR TO THE STORE AND BUY ME BEER!
Is this living high or what? Hell that is reason enough just to have kids!
And they’re funny too, like they might say “Mommy since Daddy invested our future in loser real estate holding in Cleveland could you please cheer us up by saying we’re adopted?”
OK, resuming radio silence….
It’s like, I WANT to hate Mike for these comments, but I can’t quite manage it.
That’s the kids sucking the very will to live out of you.
But on a brighter note, Mike is evidence that after they grow up you do, in fact, get your will to live back. Or at least the will to drink beer, which really, is all I ask.
Reader with kids thinks it’s great, get it all, and can relate. Cute pictures, funny stuff. Kids are way funnier than network television, even kids on network television for some reason.
Tell me what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!