Internet research results: Pants in, Don Knotts out

March 9, 2009 by Johnny

I was just sitting here writing a post about how my mom took my kids for the weekend (I knew she was doing it, though, it’s not like the time she took my $500) and Betsey Booms DM’s me on Twitter to tell me to check out her zombie bread post, and it occurred to me that I’m apparently writing about the wrong things because her ruminations on mold and zombies and comically large illustrated boobs got 14 comments, whereas my last post about being a dad and writing a book got me two comments. And it’s not like I’m totally bowled over by 14 comments (sorry Betsey), but it’s more that 2 comments makes me want to stuff fish into my shirt and run in circles until I collapse.

(At this point, you’re looking at me and thinking, “He’s really so shallow that he’s measuring his worth in comments?” And I’m looking back at you and saying, “Yes, all comedians are painfully insecure, and by the way, stop looking at me because this is a blog and what are you, some sort of a ninja superstar with a telescope or something? And then I realize that I’m just talking to myself because ninjas don’t use telescopes.)

But I’m not helpless. Instead, I’m starting to cobble together a bulleted list of things that internet browsers like. I figure that there has to be a way to turn this list into some sort of superstar Yoda website that uses the Force and shit and then I’ll make millions of dollars. So here we go:

• You like nerds (two on this one: here and here).
Or perhaps more accurately, you like being nerds, and you like being able to dish with fellow nerds. This makes sense, because you’re all on the internet reading blogs, and I don’t think Chuck McPerfecthairgiantpenis from the high school football team knows what a blog is, and if he did, he’d never be able to read it through all of the naked cheerleaders.

• You like when I talk about holidays being gay
And apparently when I skirt the boundaries of good taste. However, I did have a comment by a black lesbian on that one who essentially said I was cool. Well, not cool, maybe, but she did imply that my post wasn’t totally gay.

• You like pants and Germans
This makes less sense, but I’m going to try to seed my posts from here on out with more mentions of various types of pants and will attempt to do it in German, or else will talk about German pants. You’d think I’d be out because I’ve already covered lederhosen, but what, do you think all Germans walk around all day in lederhosen? They sure as hell do not. I challenge you to call five Germans and ask what kinds of pants they are wearing. Try it.

• One reader, Jenny the Bloggess, likes it when I link to her. I know this because when I do, she’ll often comment on my blog, probably because she gets pinged with a trackback. So I’m going to try it and see what happens. (I enjoy this because it’s like trapping a wildebeest. I set out bait and wait to see if she’ll emerge, like on Wild Kingdom, and in my head is this narrator who’s all like, “The mating habits of the popular and profane mommy blogger range from the obscure to the mundane” and shit.)

•  You also seem to like it when I talk about things that aren’t funny
What the hell is that about? This is supposed to be a funny site. What are you, a bunch of gay German nerds?

The things you don’t like include Mad Libs, Don Knotts, comic books, and fatherhood.

Which is really pretty messed up when you think about it. I mean, just look at Don Knotts:

You know what? I can’t totally eliminate Don Knotts from my writing no matter how you all feel. I’m going to target the lucrative Don Knotts niche from here on out. And I’ll even bet Don Knotts wears pants, so it’s a crossover thing, like when Shania Twain became mainstream and made classic rock fans cry righteous metal tears of awesomeness. I mean, I’m pretty sure Don is dead now, but I also bet they buried him in pants, because when you go to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is liable to punish the pantsless and be like, “HEY! No pants, no shoes, no salvation!” And then you have to go to Hell where nobody wears pants, and the irony is that you’re totally comfortable because you’re not wearing pants but are also in a dimension of total, constant discomfort, and it probably irks Satan something fierce and makes him want to enforce a pants rule, but he can’t, because let’s fact it, it’s Hell for Satan, too.

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Comments

18 Comments on Internet research results: Pants in, Don Knotts out

  1. Betsey on Mon, 9th Mar 2009 8:56 pm

    2. I’m going to start this by saying – You’re not bowled over by 14 comments? Well that shit cans my idea of creating the 14 comment Ninja star and hurling it at you. However, I bet you duck and then perhaps fall, thus I bowled you over. And I haven’t looked but I think I’m up to like 16 now, so fuck you JohnnyBTruant. (PS, if paragraphs have PS’s my best weapon idea to date was the testicle dropping dead dog boomerang).

    That felt really good.

    Ahem, also, Jenny NEVER fucking comments on my blog. Not even when I comment to her about Russian scum and keister stuffing wolverines to sneak them into prison. Therefore, while I love her, I hate her at the EXACT same time. Which is the very definiton of love. I’m positive.

    Next? Are you overthinking this? I smell a big fat attention seeking whore lurking behind your post. And that is a fine thing. But really? If you ramble about it, they will come, Johnny, oh yes they will.

    If people like German nerds wearing Don Knotts pants (I know, I’m confused, suck it) then you know what you should do.

    That’s right, you throw in prison made weapons or some other thing, you know get your own schtick (Oh and I’m so glad you use gay, because retard is taken and I totally got kicked over that shit) oh hell, there goes my train of thought.

    Woah, I gotta go. It turns out my sex actually IS on fire and there is a song about it!

    PS – The capt. of the football team was named Mr. Broadshoulderssuckitgirlieboy in my school.

  2. Betsey on Mon, 9th Mar 2009 9:16 pm

    3. Oh and my third PS is just going to be to tell you I like how you left out the part where I might have called you a douche on Twitter first.

    But that WAS after you asked. I didn’t just volunteer that or anything.

  3. JoVE on Tue, 10th Mar 2009 9:58 am

    4. I think Betsey is right. You are overthinking this, you big fat attention seeking whore.

    I laughed out loud, really, at several points in this thing. And I liked the fatherhood thing but maybe I didn’t comment? Not sure.

    People appear to like german pants because Havi linked to that post not because they like the pants better. they just found them.

    Okay, I’ve been thinking about telling a couple of friends about you for a while but now maybe I will just to help out with the BFASW issue.

    One of them you can go read yourself, though he doesn’t have comments and doesn’t do Twitter (but he does write and sell books, including one about Elvis impersonators): http://www.charlieconnelly.com

    I also have a friend in Ohio…

  4. Johnny B. Truant on Tue, 10th Mar 2009 2:00 pm

    5. NAH NAH NAH NAH I CAN’T HEAR YOU MORE COMMENTS I NEED MORE LOVE MORE COMMENTS NINJAS NAH NAH NAH NAH

  5. Jenny, Bloggess on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 7:11 am

    6. Why am I here and where did all these wildebeasts come from?

  6. DaleK on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 9:36 am

    7. +1 ?

    I have no comment but here’s a comment. And I’m a nerd and that’s what all the forum nerds do when they have nothing to say and are feeling insecure about low post count #s.

    This is interesting though…I’ve been having a conversation with Google regarding search terms the past few days. Google has some great insight into how people think. It’s kinda scary actually – both how people think and the fact that Google knows what we are thinking. Or not thinking.

  7. Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 4:15 pm

    8. I totally appreciate the no-comment comments. Some people think they gum things up and add nothing. Those people are big goofy idiotic losers with ugly pants.

    [NOTE THE PANTS MENTION]

  8. Betsey on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 4:56 pm

    9. People get all sorts of motivated to comment when they receive comments on their blogs.

    I dunno, it’s just the way they. Taking us full circle back to your question on Twitter about your douchery.

    Oh and Jenny read this and then commented on my blog.

    Maybe whining does work?

  9. Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 5:04 pm

    10. I’m enjoying the banter.

    Let’s talk more about Jenny as if 1) we know her well, 2) she’s a mega-celebrity, and 3) she won’t read any of this.

    So like, do you think she’ll adopt kids from Ethiopia? I mean, like wow holy shit megatron the destroyer Starbucks insert witticism here. Pointless exclamation!

  10. Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 5:05 pm

    11. That was my impression of US magazine’s “Celebrities: They’re Just Like Us!” column.

  11. Betsey on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 5:07 pm

    12. How do you simultaneously talk about someone like she is someone you know well, yet a mega-celebrity?

    And I write everything as if someone won’t read it. Otherwise, whatever I write sucks. Like I’m pretending you won’t read this. Which is going to lead to me saying something that I should and that most would regret (see every other comment I made on this post until now).

    I hate Starbucks.

    I’m alone in that.

    Utterly alone.

  12. Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 5:11 pm

    13. You act as if I won’t seize any opportunity to put off work.

    And shame, shame. The celeb-rag formula is to talk about celebrities as if they were their very best friends, like we know every little detail of their lives because we hang out with them all the time.

  13. Betsey on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 5:15 pm

    14. Oh a formula? A formula! Well now that you said that, I feel like such an ass.

    I felt like that before, but now I have a new reason.

    Wait, don’t say putting off work. I just looked at The Ellen Shows Twitter page. I now feel dirty and like Ellen and I should have coffee together.

  14. Summer on Wed, 11th Mar 2009 6:19 pm

    15. So now I totally feel like I am intruding in on a comment conversation, but what the hell? Totally agree with Betsey that it seems like to get comments you have to leave comments, not that I ever get TONS of comments but it does seem to help.

    As for Jenny? I heard Ethiopia has totally cut her off because she does Meth!

  15. Angel Merrett on Mon, 16th Mar 2009 11:07 am

    16. Maybe you should try talking about Vaginas, Sasquatches and Ninjas more often. It seems to work for Jenny.

    And come on, you can’t go wrong with vaginas.

    OMG. Turns out the proper term is vaginae. Pronounced Va-gine-ee. For some reason that just feels wrong. I’m sorry I don’t have a witty comment about that. I’m too dumbfounded and grossed out. Or something.

  16. Delmont88 on Mon, 16th Mar 2009 4:22 pm

    17. Did you know that lederhosen was Hitlers first choice in uniforms for a branch of the Gestapo.
    Himmler ignored the decry because he feared that the Gestapo would end up looking like a bunch of Southern German bumpkins, by the populace of the Northern German cities…

    See, it goes deeper than Christopher Plummer.

  17. Johnny B. Truant on Mon, 16th Mar 2009 9:43 pm

    18. I actually try to talk about ninjas as often as possible. The problem is that ninjas don’t like it. What’s the first and second rule of ninjas? And you don’t want to be on the bad side of a group with darts and poison gas.

    Everyone listen to Delmont. He’s seen Worf from Star Trek ride a bomb like in Dr. Strangelove.

  18. Delmont88 on Tue, 17th Mar 2009 5:26 pm

    19. would have been more impressed tho, if he was wearing lederhosen. He must be from Berlin.

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