I want that

December 16, 2008 by Johnny

This is my first new, live post since being chosen by Chuck Westbrook as his new featured blogger. The notion of finally being featured by anyone besides the FBI (don’t get me started) is pretty damn cool. So welcome to all of you.

Also, on a not totally unrelated topic, this featureship (I know it’s not a word) has inspired me to finally pursue a totally worthless goal. I’m on a mission to get 10,000 TWITTER FOLLOWERS! Please spread the word. Your help is greatly needed! 

JT

——————-

This past Saturday, I was third in a line of cars that slowed to the point of near stopping to allow something to make its way across the road. It was a chicken. 

I looked at my wife once we were past. “I really, really want to go back there and ask that chicken why she did it,” I said. 

Now, if you listen to most people, they’ll tell you that the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side. I like to think that there’s a higher purpose there: The chicken had to buy stamps, the chicken left her purse at a friend’s house, the chicken works for a rooster pimp who had just sent her out on a cross-road job. But I’m just going to say this now and let it stand as what it is: I have never, to this day, been beaten in any intellectual game by a chicken. Not chess, not backgammon, not Trivial Pursuit. And it’s not like I’m good at any of those games, either. 

So I’m forced to conclude that there may not be much going on under the hood with chickens. They cross the road to get to the other side. And because the better-equipped human on the road in his ton of steel isn’t always considerate enough to yield, the truth is that they really shouldn’t be going anywhere without a crossing guard because they don’t even look both ways. 

You almost have to appreciate the Zen: Cross the road because it’s there. My son operates under a similar Zen philosophy. Why does he want Tech Deck Dude for Christmas? Because it’s there. 

Literally because it has been placed in front of his eyes.

I usually start working around 6am every morning. Around 7am, my son Austin wakes up, lies on the couch, and watches SpongeBob SquarePants. I resist the urge to do the same. I work for another hour before breakfast, with my office door open so that I can hear the cartoons. 

And every 15 minutes, I hear a commercial come on. And I hear Austin say, “I want that.” 

Until you’re a parent, it doesn’t dawn on you just how sinister advertising and marketing really are. Kids have no mental governance. They stick straws up their nose and draw on the baseboards. It’s like dealing with the mentally challenged. And most of us, as parents, will stick these half-wits in front of a box that tells them to want things. It’s incredibly irresponsible. Not because they’re watching TV, but because it costs us a lot of money. 

A commercial for Air Hogs comes on. I hear, “I want that.”

Now, I’m actually kind of a spiritual person despite my jackassy exterior. I believe in universal abundance and the Law of Attraction. So I don’t want to tell him that he can’t have it or that it costs too much. So I say, “Um, okay.” Acknowledging his want while slyly avoiding committing to buying it for him. 

Then an ad for Mickey’s Club House: “I want that.”

“Um, okay.”

A pause, then a small codicil: “It’s available in the game aisle.”

I read somewhere that kids represent a huge force in decisions about where families go out to eat dinner. That’s why you see colorful kids’ meals, toys, and awkward teenagers walking around with long balloons and a savant-like skill at tying them into shapes. Applebee’s gives the kids helium balloons. They spend a cent on latex and suddenly we’re eating half of our meals out there because Austin wants a balloon. Suddenly McDonald’s PlayPlace makes sense. And Happy Meals. And Joe Camel. Kids don’t want to smoke a brand for women who have come a long way, baby. They want a brand supported by a cool camel. 

Yesterday morning, as I was working and he was watching, I personally received a summons.

“Dad, do you want that?”

I looked up from the vital task of Twittering. “What?”

“You need to come out and look.” 

So I got up. Walked to my office door. 

On the TV was the bearded face of Billy Mays, who I still haven’t forgiven for selling me Oxy Clean. That shit DOES NOT DO WHAT HE PROMISED. I know because as soon as I received mine, I took a rag and soiled it with ketchup. I then mixed up the Oxy Clean as directed and sprayed it on the rag. NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED. That’s right, nothing. It was as if I had sprayed it with a mild detergent after being conned by a douchebag with a beard. Look, I’m not retarded. I know that commercials exaggerate. But they’re not allowed to outright LIE, and that asshole showed stains vanishing after a light rinse.

This time, the camera cut from Billy’s face to a teflon contraption containing four burgers, each one in a shallow well much like an egg poacher. Then I see a pile of what look like White Castle burgers. 

“What are they selling? Burgers?”

“No, it’s… it’s the thing that makes the burgers.” The camera pans up to show Billy gesticulating like he’s having a seizure. Good. Then we see the teflon thing again, and Austin points and says, “See? THAT.” 

“Oh.”

He’s got his thumb in his mouth, still half asleep on the couch in his pajamas. Easy like Sunday morning. 

“It’s NOT a grill,” he says. 

“Hmm.”

“And it’s ready in TWO MINUTES.” 

“Wow. What’s that thing called?”

Without missing a beat, mumbling around his thumb: “Slider Station.”  

You put anything in front of these kids and they get excited. People ask me what Austin wants for Christmas. I tell them to watch an episode of SpongeBob and buy literally anything non-girly that they see during the commercial breaks. Which, apparently, includes Billy Mays’ Slider Station.

I’ve decided, as my tenure in parenthood progresses, that it’s best to think of kids as having a funnel going directly into their brain. No filter. All the shit you toss into the top of the thing goes right in. If you see Tech Deck Dude, you want Tech Deck Dude. Good thing they’re not allowed to advertise hookers and heroin — or at least, not in America.

Why does he want it? Because it’s there. Just like that damn chicken. 

Maybe I’m wrong about the chicken. Maybe she was off to play Mah Jong. Maybe she was late for a Hillary Clinton rally. Maybe she worked at an HR consultancy a few blocks over. I don’t know the area well enough; there may be one.

So really, I should have checked. I should have stopped and asked. But you get lazy, and the next thing you know, you’re buying Air Hogs for $34.99 and you already know you’re going to want to swat the fucking thing out of the sky the minute it starts buzzing. And you know the dogs are going to absolutely lose it. 

Stupid chicken. Ugh.

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Comments

31 Comments on I want that

  1. Joely Black (CharmQuark) on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 2:00 pm

    2. So very, very true.

  2. Stealthnerd on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 2:01 pm

    3. Thank you for shedding the light on Billy Mays. When my shower head busted I was tempted to get his AMAZING FIX-ANYTHING caulker. Good thing I’m lazy and just called maintenance instead.

    Lying bastard.

    I’m referring to Billy of course.

  3. N.C. Winters on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 2:09 pm

    4. I was wondering for a long time about all the Billy Mays crap. Also, why is he always yelling? That’s about the only thing keeping me buying anything from this guy- he doesn’t have enough sense to use a lapel mike and he’s trying to sell me magic oxygen cleaner that makes blood stains evaporate right from your very crime scene?

    I’m also a bit apprehensive about the child thing. Not your child thing, but having kids of my own. We always thought having an OCD pet was training for children, but you’re making it sound much scarier. I do rather like the mental image of a funnel literally in the top of the kid’s head. I may have to draw that.

  4. N.C. Winters on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 2:12 pm

    5. ooh edit, “…only thing keeping me FROM buying anything”. That’s an important preposition. Much like ‘among’ but in a different way.

  5. Chuck on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 2:30 pm

    6. I recently posted on twitter that Billy Mays and Chris Berman are like two roads that diverged in the woods. One sells junk, the other does sports, but once they were the same person.

  6. N.C. Winters on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 2:37 pm

    7. I also think the secrets of the universe may be contained within the intricacies of Mays’ unique beard shape. No human being would willingly choose to have his face hedge trimmed to such ugly. Better than Berman though, agreed Chuck.

  7. TJ Hirst on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 2:40 pm

    8. So you’re saying we’re really all passive chickens, right?

  8. Shannon Wilkinson on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 2:48 pm

    9. Does your kid draw on the baseboard with the straw up his nose? I guess he could if he put a crayon in it. The straw, not his nose. Although that would probably work too.

  9. Andrea on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 3:24 pm

    10. The other night we were watching some holiday show on Channel 20 (I know that means nothing to you but I have not a clue what network it is and don’t feel like looking it up) and I noticed that all of the commercials were for crazy “As Seen On TV” kinda stuff. This one for the ShamWow was by FAR the best, though, judging by how long it took my kids to stop telling me that we really should get them, they’re environmentally responsible, they’re amazing, and if I get some my kids will happily wash my car weekly just for the opportunity to use them …

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwRISkyV_B8

  10. Ashley on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 4:43 pm

    11. I don’t know about the Oxy Clean, but the Mighty Putty has me intrigued. The only thing keeping me from buying it and trying it out for fun is because I don’t like his screaming, either. I’m sitting right in front of the TV, for Christ’s sake – you don’t have to shout.

    Anybody tried the Mighty Putty? I’m still curious…

  11. Johnny Truant on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 4:44 pm

    12. That Mighty Putty looks cool as hell, but he fooled me with the OxyClean so I’m wary. OXYCLEAN DOESN’T DO SHIT! I can’t believe they can outright lie like that.

  12. Meg on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 5:18 pm

    13. I have chickens and I have children. The similarities are remarkable.

  13. Johnny Truant on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 6:59 pm

    14. Hey now, I don’t have chickens.

  14. Trina on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 8:19 pm

    15. my kids like to throw chickens up in the air… I used to like throwing them up in the air…connection?

  15. Laura on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 8:23 pm

    16. target sells most of the “as seen on tv items” we saw the mighty putty… my husband says there is no way in hell it works… so save your money he’s always right (about things like that!) a friend of my daughters has the shamwow’s my daughter swears they work but … my son the tv critic says watch the comercial close they chop it and there is no way it works.
    as for straws up the nose and coloring on the walls… just be happy if they don’t color with sharpies like my daughter did oh so many years ago … the marker is still on the backs of the doors and paneling in my bed room…. and beans up the nose require a dr visit or ER visit on the weekend to remove said bean.
    I do believe the chicken crossed the road to se ehow many HUMANs would stop to allow her to make it safely…

  16. Matt on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 11:46 pm

    17. I always wondered if that’s Billy’s inside voice. Because I’ve never heard him speak normally. I’d hate to be his kids. “JIMMY, INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR LADY FRIEND!” And I thought my parents were embarrassing…

  17. Sheila on Wed, 17th Dec 2008 3:23 am

    18. My boys want just about every lego ever invented. Actually, when they made up a “top things I want in life” list, “To own every Star Wars and Harry Potter lego” was at the top of the list.

    They also watch quite a bit of tv, but they’re actually quite critical of new toys. When they do ask for something, we sit down together and look at the budget, to see if we as a family can figure out what we could cut in order to make it a reality. Sometimes they decide that it’s not worth the money, sometimes they find something they are willing to cut from the budget, sometimes they decide to save their own money for it.

  18. ejly on Wed, 17th Dec 2008 3:48 pm

    19. Nice article! I found your blog through Chuck’s project.

    I know it sounds obvious, but I’ll toss you an idea anyway to see if you’ve maintained your childhood funnel into adulthood: turn the commercial tv off. Try it for a day, or a week. See how you like things afterwards. We did, and my sons are no more maladjusted than can be explained from my parenting as a result. We’re not heathens – we do have a DVD player – so we watch commercial-free entertainment when we want.

  19. Andrea on Wed, 17th Dec 2008 3:56 pm

    20. eljy – we did that too for a few months, lived off the library DVD collection. The older boys found they could find other things to do (like play video games … but at least no commercials) and the toddler doesn’t know the difference.

    Alas, though … when football season started, my poor husband got all twitchy. We bought an antenna and got our digital converter and have slid back into some poor habits. At least we don’t have a cable bill, I suppose.

  20. Johnny Truant on Wed, 17th Dec 2008 6:02 pm

    21. @ejly – That is one of my biggest fantasies. It’s right up there with skinnydipping with supermodels. The problem is that right now, I can’t get my wife to go for it.

    See, I HATE anything topical (news kills me) and don’t like 90% of the shows that are on… like, any reality show other than The Biggest Loser. There are a few shows I’d like to follow, but I could wait to get the DVDs from NetFlix.

    I really would like to keep the TV off more. I do it whenever I can. I’m not a crazy separatist or anything, but it feels like s constant, not-entirely-welcome presence in our house. I’d kind of like it to leave for a lot of the time.

  21. ejly on Thu, 18th Dec 2008 12:01 am

    22. Johnny, like I said doing it as an experiment sometimes gets the spousal unit buy in you need.

    Andrea, I completely agree that football is our downfall on this. The Season comes and we are trying to pick up games off the eyeTV on the monitor and crankiness ensues.

  22. Jean Gogolin on Thu, 18th Dec 2008 8:43 am

    23. Glad Chuck picked you – now we get to read you in chunks longer than 140 characters. You’re a funny guy. One *tiny* nit: Your son lies on the couch; he doesn’t lay there. Unless he wants to lay a chicken on the couch, which would be something else again.

  23. Mishi on Thu, 18th Dec 2008 10:07 am

    24. The little rant against Oxyclean? Had me snorting and chuckling at my desk at work. *Need to remember to read this site at home, instead of when I’m supposed to be “working”.*

  24. Stuart Vail on Thu, 18th Dec 2008 1:09 pm

    25. “I want that.” Some toy stores now issue scan guns to little shoppers who can walk through the aisles and “point ’n’ shoot” each item they wish to add to their birthday or Christmas list. Aunts, uncles, and grandparents around the country can consult the “registry” and then buy something the child wants without duplication. A mother who was interviewed about this new feature was thrilled that finally her son would not be disappointed at Christmas either by getting something he didn’t want or by not getting the toys he did want. Where has the element of surprise gone? When our children know ahead of time what they will receive, why bother to wrap the gifts? And how dare we risk disappointing them by not giving them everything they ask for!

  25. Meghan on Thu, 18th Dec 2008 6:15 pm

    26. If I had a dime for every time I hear “I want that” everyday I could own every single one of those stupid ad companies that brainwash my kids into thinking they need all that crap.

    Yes, I am blaming the ad companies. God knows it has nothing to with the fact I let them watch that stuff, or that I always end up buying it for them. Heavens no.

    I’m a bad parent. But at least it frees me up from having any extra money to waist on May’s crap.

  26. Johnny Truant on Thu, 18th Dec 2008 8:59 pm

    27. Ugh. Absolutely had to change “lays” to “lies.” Damn pointing out my errors.

  27. Jean Gogolin on Thu, 18th Dec 2008 11:02 pm

    28. Dontcha hate tight-assed grammarians? (If that’s not redundant.) Re lay/lie, I read somewhere that William Safire once threatened to get a pet and name it “Peeve.”

  28. Kathy on Fri, 19th Dec 2008 5:49 pm

    29. I so get you about the kids and advertising thing. My two (girls, aged 3 and 5) rarely watch commercial TV, which cuts down on their exposure to it – in Australia our public broadcaster is commercial-free, and they have excellent preschoolers’ programming for an hour each day, and as my kids never get more than an hour (and sometimes less) of TV, that usually takes care of that (sometimes they watch a DVD instead, and plenty of days, nothing). I myself don’t really like TV, and rarely watch it, never in the day in fact, with one huge exception – in the summer, I watch the cricket. (I know, I know … it’s an inexplicable sport to Americans, but it’s big in Australia).

    Cricket IS on commercial TV and there is at least one commercial per over – which means every 2-4 minutes. My elder daughter doesn’t mind watching a bit of cricket with me, and this is a typical sample of her reaction to the ads:
    “Look, Mummy, they are saying KFC has a new kind of chicken burger! I think we should have KFC for dinner!”
    “Oh, wow, a different kind of Solo! Can we get that?”
    “Mummy, do we need a new barbeque? The man on the TV says we do.”
    And so on, and so on. An advertiser’s dream market.
    I suppose I should be thankful that, as kids are not the target demongraphic for cricket advertisers, there are relatively few ads for toys…

  29. Kathy on Fri, 19th Dec 2008 5:51 pm

    30. Correction – I meant demographic, not “demongraphic”, although given that I am talking about advertisers …

  30. Johnny Truant on Fri, 19th Dec 2008 6:54 pm

    31. Australians are cool. And I can say that as a blanket statement because even if you turn out to be assholes, you still have that really bitchin accent. I’ve tried that Australian accent but it always comes out all, “Throw some shrimp on the barbie!” or “That’s not a knife… THAT’S a knife.” And then I remember Yahoo Serious and things get all dark, but I think of Elle McPherson and things get cool again. Aaaaaaah….

  31. Kathy on Fri, 19th Dec 2008 9:01 pm

    32. I see your blanket statement and raise you this one:

    Americans can’t do what you all think of as “the” Australian accent – aka Broad Australian (Crocodile Dundee, Steve Irwin, et al).

    All Australians can do this one – I can drawl with the best of ‘em – but most urban Australians’ day-to-day accents are far less pronounced (and less interesting, I’ll bet).

    If you want to hear an American doing Bad Broad Australian, check Meryl Streep in Evil Angels (and I could point to many others). Some Brits and Canadians can fake it, though – must be the Commonwealth thing. To be fair, Australians mostly can’t do American accents either. Our vowels are too flat.

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