Grandmother well, not dropping hairballs

My mother just got back from a trip to San Diego, where apparently my grandmother is not barfing on the carpet. Thankfully.

This is the second time she’s been away in two weeks, and really, that’s pushing things because the other three members of the household cannot be left alone lest they start acting out in strange ways and inadvertently nearly killing each other.

The first two are very small dogs. The third is my stepfather, Todd. The dogs are like my mother’s children, if her children weren’t living in northeast Ohio and writing this blog post right now. It’s typical that the dogs won’t eat for Todd and will begin to starve before my mother comes home to save them, or that they’ll get sick. And Todd sometimes acts out.

“He shaved Gracie,” my mom told me once.

I asked why and she said his excuse was that she seemed hot and that he thought she (Mom) would like the effect. But she knew it was actually a passive-aggressive move. There was more beyond this dog shaving. And a week or so later, she had it figured out.

“I think I’ve been away too much recently,” she said. “I think that’s why Todd shaved Gracie — because I’ve been inattentive.”

“You mean like how a cat will pee on your bed if it’s mad at you?” I asked. I was mystified as to why she was guessing at her husband’s intentions instead of just asking him. It was as if she had done research and maybe consulted a Husband Whisperer to find out what was wrong. I could just imagine this Husband Expert hovering over Todd as he sat in the La-Z-Boy eating potato chips, clicking one of those dog clicker things and offering him treats, finally determining that the problem was lack of attention. In all likelihood, my mother would be advised to crate Todd if she was going to have to be out of the house for extended periods of time.

Then there was the time that Todd tried to save Liesl’s life by sticking his finger down her throat. Liesl — whose legal, registered name is “Liesl Diesel Weasel Bezo” — is a miniature dachshund who is no longer permitted at my house following a cat-chasing, bleeding-on-our-bedspread incident which we shall not discuss. One time while home alone, Todd noticed that Liesl was choking on something. He looked in her mouth and saw nothing. Yet, she still struggled. So he reached his finger inside and rooted around. Nothing. Panicked now, he reached deeper and found the obstruction. She was choking on a small bone. But it refused to dislodge. So, he yanked harder. Liesel continued to gag. So, he pulled even harder, because it almost seemed to be moving.

At this point, I don’t know how the situation resolved in detail, but the bone remained in her throat, Todd gave up, and Liesl ran away, apparently able to breathe again. Later, Todd took her to the vet.

“You were trying to remove her larynx,” the vet reported.

Following the throat-pulling incident, Todd tried to smooth the situation over by offering Liesl a frozen dog treat called Frosty Paws. Liesl was not appeased, but, on the flip side, I can report that she is now afraid of Frosty Paws.

And now this latest. Gracie, AKA “Amazing Grace,” is a poofy little bichon frise who cannot live without my mother’s constant attention. I’m not one to cry “wolf” or “psychosomatic illness,” but shortly after Mom left, Gracie developed kennel cough. I guess that’s a cough they get when in kennels or something. I don’t know. Still, she got worse.

“I think she’s going to die,” Todd reported on the phone.

So Mom stopped calling home. She reported what she knew on Facebook and stuck her head in the sand. Todd called her, wanted to know why she wasn’t calling. Mom said it was because he kept saying how her dog was going to die. He said, “Oh.”

A few days later, she updated her Facebook status. She was out of town and Todd was home alone. Amazing Grace had kennel cough. She was on antibiotics and, with the help of those magic pills, should be getting better.

But then, a setback. I further saw on Facebook three days before she returned home that Todd had discovered gross pills all over the house after Gracie spit them up.

My mother panicked further.

At this point, some Canadian friends were going to be coming into the states and wanted to visit. But they had read my mom’s Facebook updates, so they knew that:

• Mom was out of town, visiting her mother, and Todd was home alone.
• Amazing Grace had kennel cough.
• Gracie was still very sick, and worse – she was barfing up her pills on the carpet.

The Canadian man proposed going to visit, but his wife said, “Oh, no, we can’t. Marcia is out of town and Todd is home with her mother, and she’s really sick and keeps spitting her pills out all over the house.”

You wouldn’t think that game of “Telephone” would work in the internet age, but apparently it’s alive and well.

Luckily, my mom returned home in time, Gracie started taking her meds, and all is on the mend. She just needed the return of her human pacifier. Who dresses her in all sorts of maddening outfits, but which she’s still somehow cool with. Apparently love means never having to refuse to wear a pumpkin hat.

However, Liesl does not accept Frosty Paws from Todd under any circumstances. Just to be safe.

Comments

• These posts kick ass

  • Lame: The new cool (83 comments)
  • Um, words... (73 comments)
  • Nerdvana (44 comments)
  • Unfortunately, pants (37 comments)
  • Christmas is gay (35 comments)
  • Fast Fruit at the Ohio State University (32 comments)
  • 7 things that are going to make my blog suck for today (32 comments)
  • I want that (31 comments)
  • Seven resolutions (29 comments)
  • Trouble in the Great White North (26 comments)

• Find stuff

  Search for: