Good night, sweet fly-ass prince

March 1, 2009 by Johnny

I’m all messed up because I lost Vanilla Ice this morning. He’s been a faithful companion to me for more than ten years, but now he can’t hold liquids without me risking severe burns to my chest and groin.

I’ll try to tell this tale because it deserves to be told. But… it’s going to be hard.

(Sigh.)

Hang on… I can do this.

When I was in college, I spent a few months in Europe and just kind of traveled around a lot. This was before 9/11 but just after some idiotic move in some country in the middle east and I remember pretending to be Canadian so that the Pakistani shopkeepers wouldn’t punch me in the face when I went into their stores. And honestly, I was big on going into stores. Mainly to buy cheese. I found out a few interesting things about cheese while I was there, too, like the fact that there is very little orange cheese in Europe, and that refrigerating cheese is for pussies. It will keep fine in a backpack for a week.

When I was in Amsterdam, this guy I was with bought weed because he wanted to hang out with the German border patrol on the way back. A few others contemplated ways to bring back hookers. I’ve never been into weed or hookers, so I brought back a Vanilla Ice coffee cup.

Let me explain how that happened:

I saw this cup in a train station and totally geeked out because not only do you never expect to see Ice on a cup; you never expect to see him in Amsterdam. I looked over at Jim, this guy I was traveling with, and was like, “I may have to buy that” and he was like, “I really don’t think you have a choice” and so I gave the Pakistani shopkeeper this coin that was like a big coin orbiting a smaller coin and he was like, “Enjoy your cup back in Canada” and I was like, “This cup is so fly that it makes me want to punch Americans in the face!” and then we high-fived over this picture of Clinton that had an anarchy symbol scrawled on it in red paint and rocked out while flashing the devil’s horns sign for like a solid two minutes.

Once I was home in Manitoba (but definitely not in the U.S.), Ice and I hung out a lot. He was the first cup I used out of each wash cycle. It was cool because I’d drink coffee and he was right there with me, all like, “Yo, this coffee is phat!” and we’d work together in the mornings and it was way awesome, him being fabulous and me admiring his fabulousness, him flashing his V symbol and pursing his lips and me lamenting, “Ice, this client sucks!” and he’d be like, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” and then I’d flash him the symbol back and we’d laugh, except that he wouldn’t laugh because he was way too cool to show emotion. And then I’d put on his CD and start rapping out and he’d be like, “Word.”

Then, one fateful day, it all changed.

It was cold. Ice and I went out to load firewood into the wagon. I bumped into him and he fell onto the ground and his handle broke in four places. I was all worried and freaked out, but he was totally fly and just kept pursing his lips and flashing his V symbol. I was like, “Oh, no, Ice! Your handle!” and he was like, “Can’t hurt a playa, bitch.” Then my wife fixed him up, giving him badass grey scars all up and down his handle, and making him extraordinarily dangerous to use.

We hung out for a few more years and it was all good. He didn’t even scald me, despite his many injuries. But then the worst happened.

This morning, one of his scars gave out. I dropped a bunch of coffee, and then I realized it was time to give it up. To let go, for the sake of everyone involved.

I told Ice he had to retire and hang out on my shelf. He was all pissed off, but wouldn’t show it because he’s cool like that. And then before I knew it, he was flashing his symbol again and pursing his lips and was all like “Word” and I flashed the symbol back and rapped him a few bars of “Ice Ice Baby.” But, it’s just not the same.

So yeah, that’s my story. I’m without my companion today.

And it’s sad.

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Comments

14 Comments on Good night, sweet fly-ass prince

  1. carma on Sun, 1st Mar 2009 2:22 pm

    2. So sorry to hear about your tragic loss. Ice Ice Baby to Go in the garbage I suppose.

  2. Jason Steger on Sun, 1st Mar 2009 2:32 pm

    3. It’s called Mighty Putty YO! Fix that cup right up…

  3. LJF Wolffe on Sun, 1st Mar 2009 2:39 pm

    4. Dude. My condolences. That sucks. When that happened to me (Far Side Crisis Clinic cup, now with broken handle) I retired it to holding pencils on my desk; still with me, just not holding my tea any more. Just a thought — Ice need not wind up in the garbage.

  4. James | Dancing Geek on Sun, 1st Mar 2009 3:00 pm

    5. Is that really you holding that cup? Cause the resemblance to the mug on the mug is startling.

  5. AnnieH on Sun, 1st Mar 2009 6:43 pm

    6. More than losing a companion, more like losing a MUSE. Like Woody without Diane Keaton, or Scarlet, or Penelope…Not cool, man. I say try the Mighty Putty and make this right.

  6. Trish/Astrogirl426 on Mon, 2nd Mar 2009 12:27 am

    7. I feel your pain. I lost a Spice Girls mug much the same way…in bits and pieces. And then one day, it was all done.

    BTW so glad you got rid of the apple so we could see your handsome face. Baby, you’re a hottie!

    Or as Ice would say, Yo yo yo bitchezzzz!

  7. unfinishedrambler on Mon, 2nd Mar 2009 12:34 am

    8. That is the saddest story I have ever heard…really.

    I have a TV Guide plastic cup that I have, that’s my favorite cup, even though you can’t see the TV Guide symbol anymore. I’d be lost without it. Ask my wife, but nowhere near as cool as Vanilla Ice or your backstory. I have no backstory.

  8. Betsey on Mon, 2nd Mar 2009 10:53 am

    9. It’s a shame indeed.

    But I know that you can fix all of this and mend the hole in your soul with one very.important.man.

    Mr. Billy Idol.

    Do it!

  9. Johnny B. Truant on Mon, 2nd Mar 2009 12:40 pm

    10. Thanks for all the condolences. I don’t know if Mighty Putty would work, as I no longer trust Billy Mays because he’s a shifty bastard and deceived me on OxyClean. I think it’s time to retire Ice. he’s on my shelf now, hanging out.

  10. N.C. on Tue, 3rd Mar 2009 3:52 pm

    11. Aw come on now, he’s still good for holding pencils, pens, even the shattered dream or two. Remember it’s the pickup cymbal flam that separates the Queen riff from Ice Ice.
    Dun-dun-dun-duh-duh-dun-dun, Dun-dun-dun-duh-duh-dun-dun, PZZT-PSH!

    It took far too much brain power to try and type out the Under Pressure groove. And I’m sure I failed anyway.

    Whord.

  11. Delmont88 on Thu, 5th Mar 2009 5:57 pm

    12. I have way too many “sentimental” coffee mugs… Mrs. Delmont to this day, uses them when offering people coffee. Meanwhile, I perch on the edge of the sofa, and quietly make sure no one abuses them…

    Then, she just throws them in the dishwasher… AAAAAARRRRGH!

    I have taken to hiding my favorite mugs, now.. top shelf, behind the wedding china that has gone unused these past 20 years…

  12. Johnny B. Truant on Thu, 5th Mar 2009 11:08 pm

    13. Yeah, my wife doesn’t understand why I have to drink out of certain cups. I had a few I liked, and now it sucks because my rotation is a man short. When the other two I like are dirty, I don’t have a third to go to. It’s tough stuff. Time to go to a pawn shop and find a retarded new cup.

  13. Jake on Sun, 15th Mar 2009 3:20 pm

    14. Best cup ever. RIP, Van Winkle.

    (so funny lol)

  14. Johnny B. Truant on Mon, 16th Mar 2009 9:34 pm

    15. It really sucks, dude. He’s sitting on my shelf, all broke and shit, and I have to drink out of inferior cups half the time.

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