I'M GONNA BE SO DAMN LOADED

May 26, 2009 by Johnny

Check this out.

This isn’t a Photoshop job or a clever fake. This is a legit, fo-sho five-leaf clover I found the other day in my in-law’s hayfield while my son was being all manly by wading through the tall grass and picking flowers. I have to figure something big is bound to happen.

And yes, lo and behold, the other day it all started coming together when I got an email from a Mr. Ian Palmer (or, as the “From” line of his message read, “ian.palmer ian.palmer,”) in London. Here’s what it said:

The email went on to explain that this Thompson guy didn’t have any living family or whatever, so they got together at the bank and (and I quote), “It is therefore upon this discovery that I and two other officials in this department now decided to make business with you and release the money to you.”

Oh, snap. Me out of everyone on the planet. This kind of thing only happens when you’ve got some serious luck o’ the Irish. I would have been a fool to ignore it, so I decided to answer it, providing the personal stats that Mr. palmer ian palmer had asked for. I slightly modified them to fit what I perceived to be Mr. Palmer’s ideal demographic.

The next day, I woke up to find that Ian (ian.palmer ian.palmer) had answered my message. I was in business!

Well, I didn’t want to miss out on a once in life time opportunity.

The email went on to say that I should follow up with the transaction relentlessly to enable them to actualize it soon. Apparently, Ian’s client’s entire family lose their life’s, leaving the estate with no body to claim is balance. No body? Shit. That’s scary.

He went on to assure me that this transaction was all legal and legitimate and that he assured personally that “the funds actually exist.” Nowhere, however, was it explained why, out of all of the people on the face of the Earth, he chose an obscure retired union carpenter from Ohio to receive the funds. I’m just lucky, I guess.

The email concluded with:

Okay, sweet. I figured less was more, so I hobbled over to the computer using my cane and typed:

24 hours later, Ian responded, punctual as always. He said:

Oh, awesome. I was totally able to forget that despite his use of words like “actualize,” he can’t manage to fucking hold the Shift key down when typing an I.

So a little further down, I find out about my legal representation. I could only hope that he was as needlessly verbose, grammatically incorrect, and unnecessarily jargony as my new buddy Ian. Here’s what Ian had to say about him:

Ian then reminded me again that Pete doesn’t know that I didn’t pay my own legal bill. I figured this had some significance. They got together over fish and chips in a tea shop or some shit and Ian was like, “I finally found a guy willing to take all of this cash off of our hands. Sigh!” And Peter was like, “Jolly good.” And then Ian was like, “He’s a retired carpenter from Ohio.” And Peter was like, “That’s fully logical. Great show!”

Here’s more from that email:

So now I’m not supposed to talk to my bank, but that’s cool because they don’t know who my bank is yet.

And apparently we’re heading off into enemy territory or something. Or like, freeing the slaves. Something important, anyway.

So then I wrote back,

But then about an hour or so later, I realized my reply was pretty light so I sent him this:

It took another day or two until I heard from the lawyer (or “barrister,” right? I think they still wear those poofy wigs sometimes or something), a Mr. Peter Johnson, who wrote:

Ah, we get down to it. I didn’t want to give him the details just yet, so I decided to make him work for it.

But I wanted the money, so I needed an excuse that made sense. I tried to think like a senile retired carpenter, and so wrote:

I figured Pete would forgive my bigotry and the fact that I didn’t actually give a cell number because the people who respond to these messages in earnest surely say weirder shit.

But this was disappointing. After a while, I hadn’t heard from Peter. I was beginning to think I wouldn’t see my millions! But I figured it was worthwhile to email him again:

And still nothing. That was a few weeks ago.

This morning, I decided that whatever semi-literates are behind these things must not like to weasel answers out of people who are less than forthcoming. Maybe it’s a percentage game, and if one in fifty thousand just sends their account info, that’s who they go with.

So I figured I should give him what he wanted.

I have to tell you, I’m not optimistic. Five leaf clover or no, I’m starting to think I’m not going to see my money. My wife won’t get to go to Dollywood, but that may have something to do with the fact that I wrote early on that she was dead. Oops.

I do hope he writes back this time. He may suspect that 452 isn’t my actual account number, and when I get befuddled trying to find it, he may tell me to just call my bank. If he does, he has another thing coming. If I don’t trust my homosexual grandson with my money, I sure as hell don’t trust those Jews at the bank.

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Comments

16 Comments on I'M GONNA BE SO DAMN LOADED

  1. Kelly on Tue, 26th May 2009 9:27 am

    2. I found a 5 leaf clover on Saturday while at a kid’s birthday party in the neighborhood. The fifth leaf was growing straight up out of the middle and had yet to unfold. I took this to mean good fortune is about to unfold in my life.

    I hear Dollywood is worth the trip, no matter whose inheritance pays for it, as long as you go with some body.

    well played, Johnny

  2. Pam Belding on Tue, 26th May 2009 10:38 am

    3. Thanks for that! Laughed my ass off! I’ll got to Dollywood with you!

  3. Deb on Tue, 26th May 2009 11:01 am

    4. JohnnyB, …thought I would P my pants laughing so hard! What a great way to start my morning (laughing…not p’ing the pants)! :)

  4. Johnny B. Truant on Tue, 26th May 2009 1:01 pm

    5. Everyone gets props except for Kelly, who’s made me fell less special and unique. Boo.

  5. Rebecka on Tue, 26th May 2009 1:15 pm

    6. Well then.
    I thought Ian and I had something going. I can see now that maybe I’m not that special at all.
    If you think I’m going to share this inheritance thing with you…. well, I’m not!
    So just butt out and quite trying to horn in on my good fortune.

    Thanks for the laugh. I get 3 or 4 of these things a week. Usually I ignore them, sometimes I respond and tell them I’ve taken a vow of poverty and they should quit trying to lead me astray and ruin my life.

  6. Steve Errey on Tue, 26th May 2009 1:44 pm

    7. Lucky son of a gun.

    Love it. Hope it all works out for you, and hope your cat feels better.

  7. Kelly on Tue, 26th May 2009 4:41 pm

    8. Dangit. I almost didn’t share that little tidbit, but the kismit was too much to deny! I mean, what are the chances? And it seemed a real boon because I’ve found many 4-leaf clovers over the years, and dude…look at me.

    But yours is way more special. It’s already opened up and sending the luck into the universe on a unicorn’s horn. Mine got tossed in the compost by accident.

  8. @ncwinters on Tue, 26th May 2009 9:17 pm

    9. Mr. Truant.

    Congradulations on this the most awesome of news for you. You should be are blessed for this once in a life time opportunity.

    You made me late for dinner, I was laughing and reading so long. Funny shit. Keep us posted on you milions.

  9. Johnny B. Truant on Tue, 26th May 2009 9:17 pm

    10. You’re searching the compost? (I’m talking to you, Steve… I know you do it.)

  10. Mike Drips on Wed, 27th May 2009 11:45 am

    11. Johnny!
    Your luck has rubbed off on me! Look what came in my email! (I’m a wee bit confused as the sender talks about the money and herself being in the UK, but her actual return email is mrs_susjones@w.cn, which is a China domain.
    ======
    Dear Friend,

    Good day to you. My name is Mrs. Susan Jones, wife of late Dr. Greg Jones who died December 2nd 2006, My late husband was into private practice all his life. Our life together lasted for years without a child. But before his death we vowed to start Charity Project to uplift the downtrodden and the less-privileged individuals, as he had passion for persons who cannot help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament.

    Before his death, he deposited the sum of 5,000,000.00GBP (Five Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling) to his local bank account here in United Kingdom with the good heart of using it for the Charity Project and till now the money is still with the Bank. After series of medical test on me last week, my Doctor has told me that I have limited days to live due to cancerous illness. Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to this cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen me, I have decided to give you this money and I want you to use this gift which come from my late husband effort to assist the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially as planned with my late husband before his sudden death.

    For accepting to help me receive this money in your local bank account and also to invest it on Charity Project, you will take 10% of the 5 Million Great Britain Pounds for your personal use. As soon as I receive your reply through this my confidential email address (mrs_susanjones@hotmail.com), Believe that I shall sign the necessary Probate Document to make you my Next of Kin, hence empower you as the Original Beneficiary of the money and I will also give you the bank contact where the money was deposited in UK to avoid delay in transferring the money to you now that I am still alive. I will expect your positive response with urgency. God bless you and members of your family.

    Yours sincerely,
    Mrs. Susan Jones
    Email: mrs_susanjones@hotmail.com

  11. Scott Oglesby on Wed, 27th May 2009 12:36 pm

    12. I’m so happy that you didn’t get scammed Mr. Truant, my good friend! Johnny. It is your old time good buddy Scott here! We were friends since high school? haha, my memory is bad! At least we are still such good buddy friends on Facebook site!
    Something terrible has now happened to me, and I need your expert help! I am here in Nigeria helping children to fight the poverty and I’ve become robbed!! And now I am also ill with the sickness! I am stuck here in the clinical hospital and need you to send around $5000.00 to help me to leave this country! I have many monies, so after I get home to where we both live, I will be giving you back $50,000.00 because monies don’t matter to me and I have so much! Please email me back as soon as able! It is desperate, you can wire monies! You are such a true good buddy friend.
    Your very good friend,
    Scott!

  12. Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 27th May 2009 8:43 pm

    13. Look at all of this great luck! I am truly be blessed to hear of it surely.

    What kills me is that the people who fall for it never think, “Why me out of everyone?” I figure them falling for it is just natural selection in action.

    (Said the diabetic who would have been dead twenty years ago if natural selection was working right.)

  13. BlueSteel on Thu, 28th May 2009 9:45 am

    14. That was great. Loved the line about your grandson being a homo and you don’t trust him with numbers.

    BTW, my 8 year old daughter found a 5 leaf clover this past weekend. I’m hoping that we have the same run of good luck that you did!

    Peace.

  14. Johnny B. Truant on Fri, 29th May 2009 1:21 pm

    15. Man, everyone stop making my 5-leaf clover look all ordinary.

  15. Mike on Fri, 5th Jun 2009 2:26 pm

    16. Scammer baiting is a great sport. I’ve had fun with the guys that respond to my craigslist ads that want me to ship my 1997 Caravan to Eastern Europe. But there’s a guy named Brad Christensen that elevated scammer baiting to an art form. Check out http://www.quatloos.com/brad-c/directory01.htm. The guy is absolutely hilarious. He actually got one scammer to agree to meet in the nude to prove that they had nothing to hide, and that they would agree not to point and laugh during the meeting.

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