Christmas is gay

December 6, 2008 by Johnny

I was on a forum the other day when someone brought up the inconvenient hypothesis that saying, “That’s gay” might be offensive to gay people.

Typically, I’m a nonconfrontational offender. When I’m alone, I tend to think, “If someone is offended, that’s their problem.” It’s the same philosophy I use when eating meat. I love meat, but I have to pretend it wasn’t at one time frolicking in nature. I’ll let others kill for me, but if the apocalypse came tomorrow and I was suddenly required to kill my own food, I’d become a vegetarian. Same with offense. Once I can put a face together with someone being actually hurt, I often will pussy out and stop. Damn idiotic compassion. Knew I should stop following the Dalai Lama.

“There are worse things,” said my gay friend Nick when I asked his opinion, “but in a perfect world, I kind of wish that expression would just go away.”

Dammit. He was being cool about it, but the handwriting was on the wall. At heart, it bothered him.

He then added that his cousin keeps telling him how gay he is. She’s not doing it on purpose, either.

“She just can’t figure it out,” Nick told me. “Bless her poor, stupid heart.”

You’re probably wondering why I’m sweating any of this, but what you don’t know is that the gay arrow is among the largest and most powerful in my quiver. American Idol is gay, High School Musical is gay, Dancing with the Stars is gay, and the new Ronald McDonald is gay squared. There is no synonym to the way I use “gay.” “Lame” doesn’t cut it. “Dumb” doesn’t cut it. There is a certain particular species of lame/dumb to all of those things that implies that not only do they suck, but that they do so in a Bettie Boop wig, tap-dancing around with their penises tucked back between their legs.

“What if I’m not meaning for it to imply homosexuality in any way?” I begged. “What if it’s just a homonym that is actually an entirely different word, like ‘road’ and ‘rode?’ ”

“But it’s g-a-y, right?” Nick asked.

“A homonym that’s spelled the same way, then. Or maybe it could be g-h-e-y.”

“Look,” he told me, “use it if you want, seriously. Like I said, it’s not a big deal to me. But it will offend some gays, yes.”

Great. That’s like one of my black friends saying, “Well… I guess you could somehow justify referring to that hairstyle as ‘niggery.’ “

I sighed. “Times really do change. It’s funny – it was only 35 years ago that Carly Simon was able to score a major hit with, ‘You’re So Gay.’ “

“I don’t think that’s right,” he said.

“Well, between thirty and forty years, anyway,” I said.

Honestly, I think it’s all kind of unfair. Homosexuals annexed that word without notice. Overnight, it went from referring to a state of happiness and joy to one of wanting to have sex with dudes. Like, Liberace was always so bubbly and happy. In days past, you could have said he was gay. But then all of that changed.

And all of this at the gayest time of year. Revelers are gay. Tidings are gay. Hell, it’s December 6th, so thirty or forty years back, this was all one big gay season. “How are you today, Ted?” a man would ask his neighbor. “Very gay, thank you!” the other would reply. “I’ve never been so gay, in fact! And you, Roger – you’re also looking mightily gay. How’s the family? Gay, I imagine?”

funny blogAs for us, we put up our Christmas tree today. While we were doing it, I made a point to think about how gay it was. I figured Nick wouldn’t mind. The true holiday spirit is one of universal gayness. This is the time of year that we can all be gay together as a people. We decorated; we hung tinsel; we listened to old music. If we wanted, we could even have roasted nuts over the fire.

I’m working on making peace with all of it. And Nick? He’s happy I’m trying.

“You should be my ambassador to the gay community,” I told him in the spirit of the gay holiday. “You know, help me sell some of my books across the rainbow border.”

“The cover art may need to change if you want me to do that,” he said, having seen the dog I placed on the cover of May Contain Nuts. “As it stands, your title implies an expectation that the book does not meet.”

I thought that was a funny thing to say, so I laughed and reveled in my holiday spirit of infinite gayness toward all mankind. I guess I can live without saying “that’s gay,” though I will indeed miss it. Perhaps I can find something less offensive, more universal.

But really, when you think about it, the whole situation is pretty retarded.

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Comments

35 Comments on Christmas is gay

  1. Alice on Sat, 6th Dec 2008 8:16 pm

    2. I cannot even remember which blog sent me to you–for the unfortunately pants post, BTW–but I’m so freakin’ glad they did. You’re hysterically funny, I enjoy your posts so much, you brighten my pitiful little cyber-world. :) Thanks.

  2. KiKi on Sat, 6th Dec 2008 9:49 pm

    3. Awesome post, it is SO gay!!

    Love it.

  3. Johnny Truant on Sat, 6th Dec 2008 10:04 pm

    4. I’m providing a public service here. My job is to counteract the negativity you’ll be fed if you don’t visit here daily. Several times.

  4. JStadtfeld on Sat, 6th Dec 2008 11:23 pm

    5. That post is the badger piece of shit ever.

    (I’m making my own word to describe “gay.” It is now badger.)

  5. Chris Rigby on Sun, 7th Dec 2008 11:45 am

    6. I also use “gay” in that way. One of my friends (gay himself) uses it as an insult, and I ended up picking it up off him.

    Most people don’t care, but the militant ones do!

  6. Scott on Sun, 7th Dec 2008 12:58 pm

    7. That last comment was so Chris Rigby!

    http://thinkb4youspeak.com/

  7. AnnieH on Sun, 7th Dec 2008 1:55 pm

    8. Having tried to keep up with Political Correctness since 1955, I’m losing memory space for all the new terms. It is simply too damn much to contend with and discriminatory to the old farts among us–or youth-challenged gastric breezes.

  8. Andy Pels on Sun, 7th Dec 2008 3:48 pm

    9. Well this topic got you some interesting Adsense. By the way, I have a friend who can’t walk and another friend who can’t talk, and they object to the negative use of the terms lame and dumb respectively.

  9. lastminuteacademic on Mon, 8th Dec 2008 5:35 am

    10. I remember when there was the whole ‘we can’t say the word gay anymore’ in a derogatory fashion. The thing is, everyone has double standards. You don’t mind using the terms but for some people if said term was used ‘on them’, they’d get upset.

    Also ref the concept of context: in general between friends its okay. In a public forum or whatever its not.

  10. Johnny Truant on Mon, 8th Dec 2008 1:06 pm

    11. I’m hoping all of my gay readers check this out at work today. I need more thoughts.

  11. Tracy on Mon, 8th Dec 2008 5:17 pm

    12. I agree with lastminuteacademic that context is everything. My philosophy is say what you want but don’t whimper and whine if somebody else doesn’t like it. Listen to what they say, take it under consideration and make your choice. None of this “waaah, people don’t understand me” crap.

    Yesterday my husband was upset at our neighbor because he starting running his leaf blower right before my husband went outside to start blowing ours. Apparently it is “gay” for two men to be blowing leaves next door to each other. If you could please do a column explaining that logic, I’d be much obliged.

  12. Pace on Mon, 8th Dec 2008 5:38 pm

    13. Sign me up for the Gays For Johnny Truant fan club!

  13. Johnny Truant on Mon, 8th Dec 2008 6:39 pm

    14. @ Pace – signed up. You want to be a second ambassador to the community? All you have to do is get lots and lots of my books sold. I’ll even send you a free copy if you can do so. I figure lesbians won’t have the “nuts” hangup that Nick did.

    @ Tracy – That’s a new one on me. It’s not like they were burning garbage in close proximity. THAT would be really, really gay.

  14. Skip DeKades on Tue, 9th Dec 2008 3:25 pm

    15. I guess this means the Flintstones can’t have a gay old time anymore.

  15. The Economy Isn’t Happening » Blog Archive » Nerdvana on Wed, 10th Dec 2008 1:51 pm

    16. [...] « Christmas is gay [...]

  16. James | Dancing Geek on Wed, 10th Dec 2008 7:52 pm

    17. I think of it as a homonym (homo-nym, get it? A ha ha ha ha ha. It’s a pun, so you’ll have to excuse the latin/greek crossover.)

    What’s annoying is when my friend keeps going “Oh, sorry, is that offensive?” every time he says it. “I already told you I don’t give a sh*t, now stop f*cking asking!”

    /rant

  17. Johnny Truant on Wed, 10th Dec 2008 9:56 pm

    18. I can tell you’re new here, James. Swearing makes everything funnier. Don’t you fucking think so?

  18. unfinishedrambler on Thu, 11th Dec 2008 1:42 pm

    19. I thought I was the only one who used the word like you do. I always use it around my wife but she says it’s wrong for me to use. How gay is that?

  19. Johnny Truant on Thu, 11th Dec 2008 1:45 pm

    20. I’d actually really like to know how the gay community as a whole would view this post. I think they’d find it funny, but what do I know? Maybe it would be offensive. Any gay folks want to trumpet it to the gay world for me?

  20. Kathlyn on Mon, 15th Dec 2008 9:09 am

    21. Hey – Chuck sent me. I think Havi might have sent me before with the pants post. Or Jenny. Someone did.

    I have been awake since 4 a.m., so I may be kind of punchy, but the end of this post would have made me spit my tea out laughing if I had had any tea.

    That’s not very helpful or constructive, so don’t tell Chuck. I’ll read more and see if I can come up with any helpful suggestions. Cheers.

  21. Monica on Mon, 15th Dec 2008 1:02 pm

    22. Wow, as a lesbian and a black person, I kind of feel like I should be offended…

    But its hard to be offended when you are laughing your ass off. So you are off the hook.

    And I say “That’s gay” all the time. Sometimes I say it meaning that something is gay, and sometimes I use it to mean that something is stupid.

    My gf says that I’m gay all the time (but now, I’m not so sure what she means?!?!?!)

  22. Johnny Truant on Mon, 15th Dec 2008 1:57 pm

    23. Monica — SWEET, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. If I could be serious for a minute, I do honestly enjoy playing with stereotypes and prejudicial perceptions because they’re so fucked up. It is honestly impossible for me to imagine saying slurs with hate because of someone’s preference or physical attributes. I just don’t get it.

    Hence, I like to explore it. I hope I’m able to walk right up to that line without fear, but I keep my fingers crossed that I don’t step over it.

    I like to “collect” acquaintances who are different from me. You’re my first black lesbian! W00T!

  23. jenx67 on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 7:56 am

    24. it’s very interesting how language evolves. i’m always wanting to stay up on this more than i do. there was an npr special not too long ago about “saving words” that were on the verge of extinction.

  24. rusty on Tue, 16th Dec 2008 9:20 am

    25. Dude, its wicked gay.

  25. Betsey on Tue, 20th Jan 2009 3:37 pm

    26. I got called out on using the word retarded on my blog and I had only just reclaimed the word like that very day.

    It was a short victory.

  26. Johnny Truant on Tue, 20th Jan 2009 9:58 pm

    27. Pwned.

  27. Nep on Tue, 10th Mar 2009 12:11 am

    28. There is a certain particular species of lame/dumb to all of those things that implies that not only do they suck, but that they do so in a Bettie Boop wig, tap-dancing around with their penises tucked back between their legs.

    As a transsexual, I would like to point out that this is probably not the kindest thing you’ve ever written.

    And I like you, but I agree that saying something is gay to mean stupid is not okay and implies that there’s something dumb about men being attracted to each other. If you don’t think that, then yeah, ditching the term is a good idea.

  28. Johnny B. Truant on Tue, 10th Mar 2009 2:17 pm

    29. Hey there, Nep.

    I do want to respond on this one because I don’t want you to get the wrong impression about me.

    Honestly, if you like me, then you probably kind of know my stuff, and I think you’ll agree from knowing it that everything satirical I say like that is meant purely as satire, with no malice. I pick on nerds too, and I’m totally nerdy.

    I’m saying it this way because you said it was unkind — but truthfully, if I came across the lamest person in the world tap dancing around in a Bettie Boop wig with their junk tucked back, I wouldn’t be unkind. There is simply no ill feeling there. I would probably laugh, but only because anyone doing the aforementioned dance would unquestionably have a bitchin’ sense of humor.

    I’m sorry that it bothered you. Rest assured that if we met in person, I’d totally buy you a drink no matter who you are.

  29. Johnny B. Truant on Tue, 10th Mar 2009 2:38 pm

    30. Oh, and I also memorized the entirety of “The Raven” once for the hell of it. “Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!”

    Solid.

  30. Nep on Tue, 10th Mar 2009 7:44 pm

    31. Don’t worry, I didn’t think you were trying to be cruel or anything. I know you’re not That Guy. I just thought I’d speak up about that, too, since it’s a post about unintentionally insulting people.

    I’d agree that Betty Boop-wigged tap-dancing is a ridiculous image no matter what the gender of the dancer. Speaking of which, if you ever need a disturbing image to refer to in the future, I have a friend who weighs about 300 pounds, and he used to do drag shows in a dress he made out of trash bags. The huge bouffant hairdo was an added bonus.

    NOT ENOUGH BRAIN BLEACH IN THE WORLD. The idea that he horrified people thrills him to this day.

    Speaking of “The Raven”, I’ve always wanted to see a supervillain who dresses as a big black bird and harasses Batman or Spiderman while quoting Poe – unless it’s already happened and I missed it. There were so many strange things afoot in the early days of comics that it’s very possible.

  31. I am JohnnyBTruant.com. Hear me roar! : Johnny B. Truant on Mon, 14th Sep 2009 11:21 am

    32. [...] development revelation like the post I wrote for Tim Brownson about fear, I’ll do that. And if something occurs to me that has nothing to do with anything but strikes me as amusing, I’ll write about that too, right here beside all of the commerce and technology-making. [...]

  32. Gabe on Thu, 8th Oct 2009 7:22 pm

    33. This post is kind of gay. So’s this comic:

    http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2009/8/17/

  33. Johnny B. Truant on Fri, 9th Oct 2009 2:43 am

    34. See, now, I shouldn’t think that’s funny, but I do. Someone save me a seat in hell. Close to the bathroom, okay?

  34. Shanna on Tue, 8th Dec 2009 4:42 pm

    35. This is the gayest, most retarded article ever and I absolutely *love* it. Excellent piece, Johnny!

  35. Johnny on Wed, 9th Dec 2009 10:22 am

    36. This is easily one of my favorite posts, so thanks for the comment to remind me! I may need to re-run it in 2009 because it’s so incredibly fucking gay.

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