Bits and Pieces: Christmas edition

December 23, 2008 by Johnny

Some people do spring cleaning. I do not. But I do get a bunch of little odds and ends for ideas that sound funny in themselves, but which won’t really support a full-length post. So around this time of year, when I get lazy, I toss them together and pretend that I’m doing it on purpose when in fact I have already mentally checked out and can really only think about eggnog, which is my favorite nog ever. 

So here we go: My late-2008 bits and pieces. 

I WAS CONSTIPATED, BUT APPARENTLY AM NOT ANYMORE
I’m signed up for these Google alerts. They let me know when stuff I might be interested shows up on the net. I have one set up for “the economy isn’t happening,” and a week or so ago I got one telling me that “Constipated Santa and the Great Swiss Christmas” was being featured on the Yahoo! page entitled “Everything about Constipated.“

Which was awesome. Constipated Santa has finally made the big time. 

I asked my mom to get me a picture of CS so that you all could enjoy his stumpiness. There were some tense negotiations. At one point, she threatened to withhold the photo until receiving a photo in return — of her granddaughter wearing the hoodie Mom knitted for her that makes her look like a Jawa. Fortunately, I was able to deliver. So, you may now enjoy CS, and pity him. And us.

Unfortunately, I’m no longer up there. But there is a Yahoo group called “Constipated,” and the tagline is “Constipation relief. Women getting unblocked the old fashioned way!” 

Yeah, don’t click on that link. 

GAYNESS: TOO GAY FOR PRIMETIME
I submitted a few of my posts to both ezinearticles.com and associatedcontent.com. I did this in the name of profit because if a mere 1000 people view my articles on Associated Content, I get $1.50 and then I’m totally going to buy a snack-size bag of chips. 

I submitted two posts to Ezine Articles. One was “Unfortunately Pants” and the other was”Christmas is Gay.” The first went through with no problem, but then this arrived regarding the second:

 

 

But this struck me as odd, because I don’t think I was engaging in hate-speak simply because I used the word “gay.” What if I had used the sentence, “Gay people are super cool and always wear really outstanding hats?” There had to be a mistake. So I responded:

 

 

But within a few days, I got this back:

 

 

I’m so sorry, my faithful gay readers. I have failed you. I apologize for my controversial use of a term that you use joyfully to describe yourselves. Next time I’ll try to write about the Mexican family that runs this really great restaurant nearby and pick on them instead, like maybe I’ll mention how hard-working and friendly they all are. 

(Side note: I’ve discovered that in total, 12 people combined have viewed my articles, and that all three pieces are rated as three stars out of five. I’m so on a roll.)

I HAVE MADE OVER $5 ON MY ADSENSE ADS
In like a month. At this rate, I’ll reach the minimum $100 payout around August of 2010, and then we’ll all get naked and party down.

I’ve decided that AdSense sucks major balls on a site like mine. Nobody clicks on my ads because they’re not targeted enough. When I wrote about how I was no longer Robert Goulet, I got an ad for Robert Goulet’s biography. When I wrote about my baby daughter, I got diaper ads. When I wrote about Constipated Santa, I got ads for Kaopectate and anal irrigation. It’s all very incorrect. I picture a little Google monkey running the whole thing from inside a Wizard of Oz setup and getting all frazzled reading my blog. 

I’m considering finding non-contextual ads and just placing the fucking things manually, based on what I imagine you all actually want. So basically I’m thinking hemorrhoid cream and old people porn. Stay tuned.

I’M OPTIMIZED FOR TESTICLES AND WEBELOS
I opened up my Analytics dashboard the other day and decided to check out what keywords people are using to find me on the search engines. And here’s what I got:

 

 

Honestly, what goes through my mind most here is curiosity. What compels a person to search for “constipated at Christmas”? I understand searching for constipation in general (and actually, I know of a good reference in the Yahoo! archive about that, especially for women), but why at Christmas? Does something different happen with bowels during the holidays? Do they clench shut in merriment? And who was searching for “osu testicle”? Because he spent nearly 7 minutes here, so it’s probably one of you reading this now. Reveal yourself!

But what amazed me most was the fact that I continue to draw a lot of traffic for the top-of-the-heap Cub Scouts honor “WEBELOS.” I noticed that I had a few WEBELOS hits a while back and attributed it to my Um… words post, and to a fluke. But 18 visits? Not a fluke.

What’s really awesome is that WEBELOS visitors fucking love me. On average, a WEBELOS visitor stays for almost seventeen minutes and reads nearly eight pages. That’s insane. And what’s more, the bounce rate of 0% means that they never leave. Hell, they’re probably still here right now, reading this.

To capitalize on what I’ve learned, I considered trying to optimize my site to pull in more of that loyal WEBELOS traffic (which is no surprise given that the LO stands for “loyal”) and announced that I was altering my website so that I could draw in lots of young boys, but I was told that it was a risque positioning angle. 

I HAVE BECOME A CLICHE
Over dinner tonight, when my son was refusing to eat chicken fried rice, my wife told him, “You’re lucky you have food. There are kids in the world who don’t have anything to eat.” We’ve also yelled at him for running with scissors, talking with his mouth full, and jumping on the bed. Today I’ve decided that I’m going to tell him that I used to walk five miles in the snow uphill to get to school and that as long as he’s under my roof, he’ll abide by my rules. Then I’m totally going to tell him to get a haircut.

Thus completes my last post before the holidays, or, if you’re Jewish, my first post during the holidays. Merry Christmas to most of you from the Truant clan, and happy whatever to everyone else. Just remember not to eat the fruitcake, lest you get constipated at Christmas. Because there’s really nothing on Google to help you out with that.

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Comments

25 Comments on Bits and Pieces: Christmas edition

  1. jenx67 on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 11:26 am

    2. how fun to read this post this morning. love it, johnny. you’re funny and talented. i’ve made 7 cents off google ads since i started with them a few months ago (on my business site.) i completely ignore them now. why even bother?

    i always love it when someone can take the ordinary (like the line about jumping on the bed) and make me laugh b/c it resonates with my ordinary life experience.

  2. Bryan Platz on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 11:51 am

    3. Johnny,

    I laughed out loud about the Webelos paragraph… I was also happy to finally see Constipated Santa, he truly is a family heirloom. Not sure how to read the analytics of the site, but no comment on “putting up with annoying wife”? When was that post?

    Have a good Christmas buddy, enjoy reading this site, now that the cube is no more…

  3. Black Hockey Jesus on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 11:58 am

    4. Well if you READ MY FUCKING EMAIL, I gave you advice about the whole gay thing. But you’re all “I’m Johnny Truant. I can say gay this and gay that.”

    It’s over, dude. You’re better off making fun of retards.

  4. Johnny Truant on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 11:59 am

    5. I think the annoying wife thing came from the “My wife’s pain is annoying” post about her ACL surgery.

    I like “two gnarled dolls christmas carol” too.

  5. Johnny Truant on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 12:00 pm

    6. Oh and BHJ, I thought of you when I wrote that. How’s that job at Ezine Articles going, by the way?

  6. Amanda on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 12:15 pm

    7. I’m in stiches. Please tell your mom thank you for sending the constipated santa picture. The whole Ezine ‘fiasco’ is also a riot. Hell, the whole post made my day!!

    Happy Holidaze to you and yours.

  7. Amanda on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 12:16 pm

    8. Sorry for double comment, but I just had a question….. is the constipated santa gay?

  8. Hiro Boga on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 12:43 pm

    9. You are hilarious! Thanks for a great laugh . . . good beginning to Christmas week . . .
    :-)

  9. Guy Tessler on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 1:16 pm

    10. Get your cliches right!

    “I used to walk five miles in the snow uphill BOTH WAYS to get to school”

  10. carma on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 1:18 pm

    11. this whole episode is funny as crap (not the constipated variety)…

  11. AnnieH on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 3:52 pm

    12. OMG…I ate some fruitcake BEFORE I read your post and now I can’t find the freakin’ Kaopectate AdSense commercial. Oh, hang on, I see an “I Can Fix Your Plumbing” ad. Okay, we’re good to go here.
    Merry Christmas to you and yours. I’m working that day so I’m really hoping everyone wears their seatbelts and helmets and can manage to keep their firearms away from the head area. Seriously.
    I’m also hoping that Gay Santa will come visit us. That would be SuperFly:>)

  12. AnnieH on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 4:00 pm

    13. I just realized that I misspelled my blog site. How very sad and rather quaintly Alzheimerish of me.

  13. Johnny Truant on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 4:58 pm

    14. Folks, Constipated Santa is not gay. At least not openly.

  14. AWS on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 6:30 pm

    15. I agree, the Constipated Santa is not gay.

    PROOF: He has a pegleg. Or more acurately, he is missing his pegleg.

    (I have never used pegleg in a sentence until today, wiki says it is pegleg and never pegged leg… I alway thought it was “pegged leg” not “pegleg”. “Pegleg” looks weird)

  15. Amanda on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 6:35 pm

    16. Johnny Truant Says:

    December 23rd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
    Folks, Constipated Santa is not gay. At least not openly.

    Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?

  16. Zoe on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 11:36 pm

    17. Wow, I thought I had a few chuckle-worthy keywords searches leading to my blog…yours absolutely blow mine out of the water! I obviously need to rethink my content.

    Once again, I laughed so hard I cried.

  17. Daisy on Tue, 23rd Dec 2008 11:47 pm

    18. The adsense ads are humorous in themselves. As far as actual ads that bring in revenue, I get more $$ out of participation in Blog Blasts and winning their prizes, both random and not. Is there a real word for non-random? Then there are the free books in exchange for a review…. but it’s not my living, so that’s enough for me.

  18. Anya on Thu, 25th Dec 2008 10:34 am

    19. I’ve got a new rule. Never freaking read Johnny’s blog when eating or drinking. I don’t have to worry about constipation because of your blog. I never get a chance to swallow I’m laughing so hard. (OK, that sounds a little kinky…or a little cruel depending on what part of the sentence you focus on…).

    And the ad I see…”Death Begins in the Colon”. Holy shit! This site just got scary.

    Hope you have an awesome holiday, Johnny!

  19. ejly on Sat, 27th Dec 2008 8:48 am

    20. Thanks for the laugh! Do let me know how the webelos optimization works out. I’ve noticed some pretty strange stuff in my analytics too. For about 2 months in 2006, I was tops in Indonesia for searches about the Conrad novel Lord Jim. What a gem for a target marketer!

    Oh; and fyi, Google is serving me an ad for Colace right now on your site. You just need to focus on the constipated webelo market more, and you may get enough for the bonus size bag of crunchy salty snack.

  20. Kelvin Kao on Sun, 28th Dec 2008 11:13 pm

    21. My favorite cliche is “Finish your drink! There are still sober people in Japan!”

  21. Johnny Truant on Mon, 29th Dec 2008 6:34 pm

    22. I’ve decided that even if the AdSense ads never make me much money, I have to keep them because they’re so hilarious. I’ve been getting a shitload of PLUMBING ads recently. Someone explain that.

  22. Marcia on Thu, 1st Jan 2009 3:26 pm

    23. I am THE MOM, the keeper of Constipated Santa. There is somewhat of a competition among the children regarding his bequeathment.

    I took 27 photos of him for this blog — 14 in the first sitting and 13 in the second. When I downloaded the first set to look at them closely, NONE of them were good. Even tho I could count every needle on the dang tree, old Santa either moved and was way out of focus or he was blasted away by the flash. So in the second sitting, I perched him solidly on a branch, preventing him from wiggling. I also stepped back a bit to avoid the flash blast, and I STILL only got 3 decent photos. I don’t think he WANTED to be in this blog. (I think he’s about to lose his belt this year.)

    And you’re welcome.

  23. Johnny Truant on Fri, 2nd Jan 2009 11:58 am

    24. Yeah, I think I need to post the pic of Jason and I in front of the tree with CS. He’s a bit more visible there, but almost passes for a normal ornament at that distance.

  24. The Economy Isn’t Happening » Blog Archive » I’m developed like film, yo on Mon, 30th Mar 2009 9:02 am

    25. [...] going to be like getting cheerleading lessons from a 7-foot Boy Scout (do I smell a chance to say WEBELOS again?), but then he says “shit” and you’re like, “Did Tony Robbins just [...]

  25. Screw SEO : Johnny B. Truant on Sat, 19th Sep 2009 5:25 am

    26. [...] ranking is hard in itself. It’s nearly impossible to optimize for humor, and I’d end up drawing well only for “webelos” and “testicles.” It didn’t matter how descriptive I made my tags; it was and remains nearly impossible to [...]

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