I'll bet Denzel gets mistaken for Jesus all the time

April 14, 2009 by Johnny

I always get really self-conscious when I go to church, because I only go twice a year and because I think the regulars suspect me of having horns. But in my defense, I’m not trying to sneak in and be a hypocrite. Left to my own devices, I wouldn’t go at all. I go because I know our attendance means something to my mother-in-law, who attends regularly and has never, in any obvious way, mentioned whether or not she cries in private and prays for our poor heathen souls.

(Either way, it’s still a step up from the way my Catholic college roommate’s family seemed to think that the other three of us were damned. Once, we sang “Happy Birthday” with them and didn’t know there was a second verse that goes, “May the dear Lord bless you.” And also, we sometimes forgot to hide the giant black dildo that sat on top of our TV. I never caught the Yates family in the act, but I’m pretty sure that they spent a lot of the time that they were in our apartment crossing themselves and blessing our various disgusting surfaces with Holy Water.)

But I’m not Godless, dammit. I’m a fairly spiritual guy once you get down deep, past the cool hair and the fart jokes. And I’m a respectful guy too, which is why I go on Easter and Christmas to make my mother-in-law happy.

The attendance problem churches face today boils down to the fact that church is not fun. And it should be. You’re celebrating resurrections, talking about snakes, digging for eternal life in a place cooler than any pad on MTV Cribs, but with chicks that aren’t as slutty.

I think that back in the day, God was strict but cool, and made things generally cool, but then over the years, whitey fucked it up as whitey always does. It’s not church’s fault per se. I mean, black people kept it real, which is why I’d be more devout if I were black. Black churches look like a party. Like, if you were running the sound system, you could pretty easily put on Public Enemy instead of devotionals and it wouldn’t matter because even Black God would dig it.

But for white people? Church amplifies our rampant lameness and distills it to its purest, whitest form. Sometimes, I can’t believe Orville Redenbacher hasn’t shown up leading a crew of albino mutes. But then again, maybe they avoid the holiday services.

This Sunday, we got a quartet of singers. No electric guitars or turntables whatsoever. I’m trying to keep my 4-year-old son Austin from dropping his Transformers onto the people in the pew ahead of us, and when the song finishes, he says quite loudly, “That was an awful song.”

But I was too absorbed in the program they’d given me at the door to really pay attention. This church uses a lot of modern Christian music, and I couldn’t help but notice that most of the upcoming pieces had totally ripped off 1980s pop songs.

“Look at this,” I whispered to Robin. ” ‘What a Savior.’ ”

“What?”

“Doesn’t that sound familiar to you? Like… say… maybe something from a pair of ladies by the names of Salt and Peppa?”

She glanced up. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t think it’s a little close to ‘Whatta Man’?”

She looked back at the front of the church.

“Let me ask you this. Don’t you imagine that people thought about Jesus and were like, ‘Whatta man, whatta man… whatta mighty good man?’ I mean, think about it. Is he not smooth like Barry and his voice got bass? A body like Arnold with a Denzel face?”

“Jesus looks nothing like Denzel Washington.”

I snorted. “I’ll bet he does in black church.”

I looked back down, running my finger through the following songs. “See Him in the Garden” sounded legit, but what about “Mary Don’t Weep?”

“How about this one?” I said, pointing.

She wouldn’t look down, so I nudged her.

“Yes?”

“Kind of like ‘Papa Don’t Preach’?”

She looked back toward the front of the church. “That’s ridiculous. It’s not even close.”

“Don’t you remember that Madonna video where Black Jesus came to life and it was vaguely sexual, and everyone got all mad, maybe because of the sex but maybe because Jesus was black, and not just black but super Wesley-Snipes-Yaphet-Kotto black, or maybe because Madonna exists?”

“They weren’t even on the same album,” she said. ” ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ was on True Blue and was before she started making out with religious statues. And besides, ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ was about Madonna getting knocked up and Danny Aiello getting fat and mad at her. ‘Mary Don’t Weep’ is about Easter.”

“You think Danny Aiello didn’t weep? Not in public maybe, but that’s because he’s Italian.”

But I was sure that the entire service had been cribbed. The following song was “Cherish the Cross,” which was a bit coincidental given that Madonna also had a big hit with “Cherish.” And she always wore a cross around her neck, because she’s Catholic and because it somehow made her look extra slutty in the 80s, like forbidden Catholic school girl fruit but with all sorts of diseases or something.

I kept scanning the program, making a fair amount of noise turning pages. And Robin was like, “What are you doing?”

“Looking to see if they have Run DMC’s ‘Down With the King’ in here. Although I’m thinking that would work better at Christmas.”

I could get into that. It would make me come back for Christmas. I’ll bet the black church is down with the King. Especially since they’re already down with Martin Luther King.

Really, I’m not anti-church. I just don’t understand it. I mean, we’ve crafted and molded the story of Jesus over the years, but whoever he was in the end, he still lived as a dude and built things and hung out with his apostles and you know he probably had some good jokes. You have to figure that he was cool. Not all boring and preachy all the time. I have to think he’d be fun to hang out with, like you could have some mead after a goats-for-eggs trade and just kind of shoot the shit. I mean, think of how many millions of people are down with the King today. Only a cool dude with a good sense of humor and fun could have that many people get down with him. Nobody to date has built a religion centered around a guy who was a dick.

Well, except for that one. You know who I’m talking about.

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Comments

20 Comments on I'll bet Denzel gets mistaken for Jesus all the time

  1. Stickman on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 11:20 am

    2. Last year we were in NYC and someone gave us a Jesus pamphlet. It had a sweet picture of a black Jesus on the cover. Didn’t look so much like Denzel. He still had the regular Jesus beard and Jesus hair, it was just all black. Pretty funny stuff. We kept it and still laugh at it often.

  2. Penny on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 11:43 am

    3. You are what we Catholic schoolgirls used to call a C&E christian – The ones that only show up on Christmas and Easter & take up all the pews so us devout (snark) kids had to stand along the back wall after we’d paid our dues with years and years of Sunday school. I used to hate ‘you people’, but now I am proud to be one of them. But this isn’t my point.

    I’m reading Lamb by Chritopher Moore and I think you would enjoy it as it makes your point so well – Jesus was fun! It’s told by Jesus’ best friend Biff and “the story Biff has to tell is a miraculous one, filled with remarkable journeys, magic, healings, kung fu, corpse reanimations, demons and hot babes.”

    You should check it out. It’ll make you laugh out loud in church. Make a joyful noise, right?

  3. Johnny B. Truant on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 12:08 pm

    4. @Stickman – I was like, to my wife, “When you think about it, wouldn’t Jesus be middle eastern or maybe even black?” And my wife is like, “Well, he was king of the Jews, right?” And I’m like, “Why are Jews all white when they’re surrounded by dark people?” It’s strange. I mean, no wonder Charleton Heston could part the sea.

    @Penny – What I’m enjoying is the fact that I just followed a “Penny” on Twitter and was like, “Can’t be the same person, being a latex queen.” But… yeah. And by the way, if I don’t get flamed on this one, it’s only because I don’t have enough readers. But church should be fun. I don’t care what anyone says about dumbing it down. And Easter? Yeah, I know it’s somber. But you’re supposed to also focus on the resurrection. And I’m thinking that would be a party like no other.

  4. Penny on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 12:41 pm

    5. My grandma, an extremely devout Catholic, refused to have a picture of Jesus in her house because he always looked so “mean and unhappy and that just wasn’t how he was! Jesus loved a good laugh!” (go grandma!) Right before she died my uncle, the Franciscan priest (yeah, now you know why I got married in Vegas) found her a giant poster that she loved that was a print of the creepiest smiling Jesus you’ve ever seen! I just wished she had lived long enough to see Dogma – she would have loved Buddy Christ!

  5. Shieldmaiden96 on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 12:44 pm

    6. “Well, except for that one. You know who I’m talking about.”

    Tom Cruise?

    My husband has a little notebook he scribbles things in during church so he isn’t elbowing me and complaining about stuff. Actually, I’m the one who complains about the music, particularly when the rest of my fellow Catholics engage in their contest to see who can sing most inaudibly and I sing like I’m at a Manchester United match just to piss them off.

    Penny is right; Lamb is pretty funny.

  6. Johnny B. Truant on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 2:58 pm

    7. Wasn’t there a giant scary Jesus in Carrie? Now see, this is my whole point. You know Jesus wouldn’t want people to think he was creepy. I picture him as having high morals and all and maybe being a bit bossy at times, but generally being cool. I think he’d want us to remember the good times.

    Okay, two recommendations for Lamb; it’s going on my list.

  7. JoVE on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 6:04 pm

    8. I think this is the most serious post about Jesus I’ve read in a long time. And funny to boot. Not easy to pull that off. But you make a great point (or two). I’m pretty sure he was a cool guy to hang out with, too.

  8. Potsdamer Platz on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 8:55 pm

    9. I went to church with my girlfriend for the first time in a long time on Sunday. In the interest of full disclosure She is catholic, and I am pretty much Agnostic. I only went because it makes her happy. The priest said, “I am looking around this room and it is as if I am seeing a ressurection!” It got a good laugh. It was standing room only and I can only assume there were a lot of Chreasters. (People who only go to Christmas and Easter services). He then spent the next fifteen minutes guilting people in coming the next 50 weeks. You know you have pretty much run out of ideas when the only way you can get repeat business is if try and guilt them to come back. Does this work for restaurants? No. Will it work for your local book store? No. Give people a good experience, throw in a few jokes, and make people feel good. Then they come back… Johnny, when are you starting your own church? You could be the next L Ron Hubbard!

  9. @ncwinters on Tue, 14th Apr 2009 9:44 pm

    10. “…I’m pretty sure that they spent a lot of the time that they were in our apartment crossing themselves and blessing our various disgusting surfaces with Holy Water.)”

    Couldn’t help but think of Sanctispray™- the concentrated combination of 409, holy water and febreze- perfectly for cleansing those ‘hard-to-purify’ places.

    My wife has to throw up props for Lamb as well. She’s been bugging me to read it forever. I haven’t yet, as it violates my ‘books without pictures’ rule.

    My buddy- the cool Christian (choir singer and everything) and Marilyn Manson fan (awesome, I know) hates the 2 times a year church goers as well. He and the other devout season ticket holders lose all the good seats when Easter and Christmas come along.

  10. C. Andres on Wed, 15th Apr 2009 9:17 am

    11. Orville Redenbacher died in his bathtub, which is why he probably hasn’t shown up with his albinoes. Keep your eyes on the horizon for his clone-like son though.

  11. Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 15th Apr 2009 2:00 pm

    12. @ JoVE – What posts are you reading about Jesus that this was the serious one? Ha!

    @ PP – You don’t think I’m not already setting up a tax shelter for that reason? I AM DIANETICS. No, wait. It needs a catchier name. Like “Chili.”

    @ NCW – I mean, I can see that. Totally. I hate January in the gym, when I have to fight through all the resolutionist assholes.

    @ C. Andres – I wonder what it’s like to be famous for popcorn? I mean, I could get into that.

  12. Bill S on Wed, 15th Apr 2009 3:48 pm

    13. I was raised Catholic in the dark ages when the Mass was still in Latin. I hated all those extra people in church at Christmas and Easter too but mainly because the collection basket had to be passed to THAT many more people and most of them went to holy communion too, making the whole dreary process take even longer than usual. But those fair weather Catholics will be going to hell anyway because THEY TOOK COMMUNION WITHOUT GOING TO CONFESSION FIRST, so I’m OK with it now. I presently don’t attend on Easter or Christmas or ever.
    I’ve started reading your book and have had at least three coughing fits that started as a surprised guffaw! And oh yeah, it’s “Bill”, not “William”, just so you can put your mind to rest.

  13. Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 15th Apr 2009 3:55 pm

    14. Yeah, I was all fucked up over that. And angry. So now I can relax.

  14. Susan Greene on Wed, 15th Apr 2009 5:02 pm

    15. You think church is boring? You should try a Jewish temple! Our weekly service is three hours long. On the big holidays the service can be 6-8 hours, with mandatory fasting, and a price tag of thousands to reserve your seat! Plus all the prayers are in Hebrew – WTF?

    No wonder I became an atheist, and I’m raising my kids to be atheist too!

  15. Tina on Thu, 16th Apr 2009 9:41 pm

    16. You should try a pentecostal church. Speaking in tongue and passing out is very entertaining. I just went recently for fun.

  16. Jett on Fri, 17th Apr 2009 4:48 am

    17. There is a church over yonder a ways that has the creepiest Big Scary Jesus mural ever known to man. Sometimes there is no way around it: We have to drive past the thing and it freaks the kids out.

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/jettsuperior/545535311/

    From far away He sort of looks like an egg whisk draped with a beautician’s cape, which I guess would make him Big Surreal Jesus, but whatever.

    Someday I’d like to sit in on one of those snake-handling churches, just as a casual observer. I’d have to bust up into my mother-in-law’s meds cabinet first, though; Lord knows what a mess it might be should I not chance to be medicated enough.

    (Although I do hear that they sometimes drink kerosene from gallon jugs and I’m not sure about the contraindications of that blended with the dainty little Percocet-Lortab cocktail.)

  17. Johnny B. Truant on Sat, 18th Apr 2009 2:07 pm

    18. That Jesus does look like a whisk. Strange.

    Also, based on the repeated recommendations, I picked up “Lamb.” Cool so far.

  18. Carole Hicks on Sat, 18th Apr 2009 3:15 pm

    19. Johnny. You are about the most honest, most kewlest dude I’ve had the pleasure to run across in a long, long time in bloggy land. I’m a former NewAge, ShirleyMcClain/Oprah following, wiccan, Peruvian Shaman….ohh yes, I was searchin for something! I’m now what you call a *born again* Christ-follower, but I think church is supposed to be a blast, too!! I agree with so many of the things you say. You say the F-word all through your blog and you know what? I am not offended and I’m a bonafide Jesus freak. I think you are on to something. Real, live, genuine, DARK-skinned Jewish Jesus! Finally, someone who says what I’m thinking! (Side note: if you want to read about real live truth stuff…Lee Strobel’s books *The Case for Faith* and *The Case for Christ* are awesome books! Give me your mailing addy and I’ll buy/send u a copy)

  19. Johnny B. Truant on Sat, 18th Apr 2009 3:44 pm

    20. Ha, thanks for the offer but I can’t have you buying me books. And I always enjoy finding out that at least some people from the group I figure I probably offended aren’t actually offended.

    See, here’s the thing: I sort of think of God like I think of a sterotypical mom. You don’t want to piss that mom off, because when she gets pissed, heads fly. But in general, she’s cool, and she gets you, and she knows you’re not perfect, and she doesn’t need you kissing her ass 24/7. We’ve got God and Jesus all built up as these real serious beings, but that’s what happens with any celebrity as people talk about him or her long enough without his or her actual input.

    I like to think that if God came to attend most church services he’d be like, “Dude, thanks for the props, but damn… chill out, will you?” And I’ll bet if you put a whoopee cushion on the organist’s seat and she sat down on it, ten bucks says God would think that was hilarious.

  20. Delmont88 on Mon, 20th Apr 2009 3:56 pm

    21. I stopped going to church with my Inlaws because my Father in Law kept throwing holy water on me.

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