7 things that are going to make my blog suck for today

January 15, 2009 by Johnny

So now I’m all mad at Joe Schmitt because he tagged me with one of these obnoxious blogger memes where I have to answer the questions he sent me, and then pass it along by choosing seven more people to piss off. It’s kind of like a pyramid scheme, but with more work and zero chance of making any money. 

This put me in a tricky situation. 

On one hand, I don’t like blog memes. It’s similar to how I don’t like I don’t like getting those emails that tell me they’re magically spreading happiness and that if I pass the message along to ten people within 24 hours, I will have lasting bliss, but if I don’t, my testicles will fall off and Betty White will come over and step on them. 

But on the other hand, Joe may actually be a vampire, and I know this because not once have I seen him outside when the sun is shining, and if Joe is a vampire, I’m really going to be up shit creek when he comes over to avenge his failed blog chain letter and possibly gets further enraged when he slips on what remains of my floor-testicles. 

So it’s a bit of a dilemma. On one side, I have my dislike. On the other side, I hate being eaten. And possibly beheaded, because you know that vampires like Joe don’t want to convert any new vampires because all that does is dilute the membership ratio in vampire HMOs. Which, really, doesn’t make sense anyway since vampires are immortal. Look, I don’t pretend to understand it. If you must know why vampires need HMOs, ask Joe. Just wear a turtleneck when you do. 

So here we go: 7 Things You Didn’t Know About Johnny Truant.

1. I know all the words to “Ice Ice Baby” 
Stop. Collaborate and listen. Ice is back with my brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly. Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly.

In fact, I used to have the entire album. First on cassette, then on CD. I got the CD when I worked at Bingham’s Bagel Deli back in college, and we used to play it on the stereo there all the time. The customers hated it. Many would ask us to turn it off. 

What you don’t realize is that “Ice Ice Baby” is only one of the brilliant songs on that album. The whole thing is gold. We’d put that on a loop at Bingham’s and play it over and over and over again. At one point, someone stole the Vanilla Ice CD. So my manager bought a new one, put a note on it saying that theft of the Vanilla Ice CD would result in firing, and kept it in the safe when it wasn’t being played.

2. I think Twitter is the best thing since sliced bread
For real. People think Twitter is stupid, but those people don’t understand that, as my internet buddy Havi explains, “Twitter is a cocktail party.” That’s all it is. You put a bunch of people in a room and they’re only allowed to talk for 140 characters at a time. 

At the cocktail party, there are the people with lampshades over their heads. That’s Joe, and me, and Jenny, and a bunch of other idiots. There are the networkers like Naomi and Marcia, who have good niche business info and are there in large part to make contacts. There are the elitists who deign to talk to a lot of people but won’t listen to anyone else. (I won’t name names; let’s just call them “douchebags.”) And the rest are people who are just there to hang out and chat, like Chuck and Trish and Ollie. 

Jump in, for real. And everyone I linked to in that last section has a Twitter profile and are worth following. 

3. I don’t get the expression “the best thing since sliced bread”
I guess I understand why sliced bread is good. Without the slicing, you’re pretty much left with a hunk of baked flour, and making it into slab form does allow for sandwiches. But do we as a society really want to establish changing the form of something pedestrian as the pinnacle of our achievement? We would have gotten along okay if nobody had figured out how to slice bread. But what about the polio vaccine? I mean, that actually saved lives. Or how about, “The best thing since Lincoln freed the slaves”? Because that was pretty good too. Are you really saying that modifying bread was better than ending a major form of oppression? You damn bigot. Get the hell off my blog.

I’ve never gotten it. It’s like saying, “This is the best thing since molding Play-Doh into the shape of a phallus.”

4. I still don’t like Favrd
Favrd is a site that ranks the best messages (”tweets”) on Twitter. You have to sign up, but after you do, Favrd keeps a record of every tweet that you mark as a favorite. If three people mark one of your tweets as a favorite, that tweet shows up on the Favrd leaderboard for everyone to see. 

Confused? I was too until I realized I was thinking too hard. I do understand it. I just hate it. 

Signing up for Favrd does nothing to help you. It only allows you to help other people by marking their tweets as favorites. And what if nobody ever marks any of your own tweets three times so that you never make the leaderboard? Then you start to hate the whole thing like I do. It becomes one more way you don’t measure up. 

Here’s my history. NOT ONCE have I gotten three stars. Ugh. How incredibly annoying. 

(I realize now that this one wasn’t funny. So I’m making some armpit farts right now in an attempt to make up for that.  )

5. I’m an athletic Renaissance man
My biggest hobby is going to the gym to lift weights. Seriously; I’m a meathead. I even broke my arm earlier this year doing it, which means that I’m pretty badass. 

But I also scared the hell out of a local gymnastics instructor when I called her up and asked if she could coach me in the skills I’d need for Parkour, and then told her that I’m 6 feet tall and weigh 205. Pretty sure she thought I was a psycho, which is an unfair reaction because it’s at least partially untrue. 

And I also really like Yoga. 

In fact, I totally just did it with my wife. (You heard me.)

6. I live in Ohio
Ohio sucks. Sorry, I’ve tried to defend it for as long as I can, but it’s winter here and the skies are gray and overcast for 7 months while the days get shorter and shorter and you slowly get buried in snow until you can’t take it anymore and you start writing a novel but it’s all just like “all work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy” over and over and over and then you find out that not only does the English butler at the party not exist, but he also killed his family with an axe and then suddenly your kids are all like REDRUM! REDRUM! and you can’t even watch TV because American Idol is back on and that makes you want to reach down your throat and grab your own ass from the inside and pull until it’s on the outside again so that you’re like a human Möbius strip or Klien bottle or some shit and it’s like HEY I’M NOT FUCKING MC ESCHER AND MY STAIRCASES DON’T GO UPSIDE DOWN what the hell am I in a painting or something because if I am I want to be the Mona Lisa but wait is that a dude oh hell no crazy Abe Vigoda with his castanets. 

7. I don’t play nice in blog memes
So I’m totally not going to tag anyone. That’s right, I’m breaking the rules. If you want to tag yourself and say I did it, that’s cool. Just don’t tag me back.

I just re-read this post and realize it’s not funny. In fact, it kind of sucks. So please, nobody else tag me, even if you’re a vampire. Because if you do, you’re just making for more half-assed entries like this one that everyone has to suffer through. People will get angry. And I’m totally going to tell my readers where to find you, and they’re going to beat you with loaves of unsliced bread.

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Comments

32 Comments on 7 things that are going to make my blog suck for today

  1. N.C. Winters on Thu, 15th Jan 2009 5:28 pm

    2. The first comment? Neat!
    While I can’t find any fault in the vampire logic (I’ve tried, it’s air-tight) I did enjoy the Shining plot-in-five minutes. The only place I got stumped is Abe Vigoda and his castanets. I too, have a desire to get into Parkour, but I think that makes me some kind of elitist. I really just want to do it and embrace it, but I live in Escondido California, and I think everyone would just think I was some hyperactive maniac. Am I saying anything?

    Floor-testicles.

  2. Joe Schmitt on Thu, 15th Jan 2009 5:28 pm

    3. I thought I told you not to mention the vampire stuff. I believe my exact words to you were “Ixnay on the Ampirevay”. Now people are going to start eating more garlic and wearing crucifixes. Do you know how hard I had to work the last 100 years to get people to abandon the Catholic Church, which had done such a great job keeping us in check, and get them to go to no-name protestant sects that only wear crosses? Really fucking hard. Just fucking great!

  3. Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter) on Thu, 15th Jan 2009 5:33 pm

    4. It’s funny if I imagine you saying it all à la Basil Fawlty in Fawlty Towers.

  4. Johnny Truant on Thu, 15th Jan 2009 5:55 pm

    5. The skills will translate to parkour, but the current manifestation is just me doing gymnastics, and I’m not even kidding — one of the people there with me is a 9-year-old girl. It makes me feel really masculine.

    I can do flips, aerials, and vaults, though, which is pretty cool.

  5. Andrea on Thu, 15th Jan 2009 10:11 pm

    6. The Twouchebags are why I don’t like that site, which is petty and shortsighted on my part but also why I’m going to defriend a couple of them on Facebook too. Post post post and total ignore … bah. But I like Chuck’s posts and he’s why I am reading your blog so maybe I’ll just go on an unfollow frenzy and try again.

  6. Johnny Truant on Thu, 15th Jan 2009 10:58 pm

    7. I always look at a person’s ratio when deciding to follow them. If they have a zillion followers and are following nobody, chances are good they’re a douchebag. This new media is supposed to be about interaction, people.

  7. AnnieH on Fri, 16th Jan 2009 11:17 am

    8. I have your Vanilla Ice CD and it is in an undisclosed location. Will send you a photo with it and today’s newspaper’s front page. But, for the love of God, man, over and over and over in that deli… my ears were having seizures. My friends thought it would be funny to switch your fabulous CD for the Barry White one that we left, and quite honestly, it was totally worth it.

  8. Andrea on Fri, 16th Jan 2009 12:20 pm

    9. JT – I might actually fall on the bad end of that follower vs following spectrum, but it’s not my fault, I swear. I get these random people who follow me and I only check in once every few weeks to look at their profiles and inevitably, at least half of them are spam “this profile is blocked for suspicious activity” stuff …

    But anyway …

  9. Ollie_Miles on Fri, 16th Jan 2009 4:48 pm

    10. http://twitter.com/Ollie_Miles/status/1124658821

    …and I will be going traveling and it’s a good way to spread deh word of my experiences.

    Lol @ the Bread thing and Ohio and Im 5. too; muscles and deh brains in one.

    Rock on dude. ^^

  10. Johnny Truant on Fri, 16th Jan 2009 8:49 pm

    11. Such an eclectic group of readers I have.

    Someone also once brought a single of Hanson’s shit-ass song “Mmm-Bop” into Bingham’s and it became an endurance contest as to how long anyone could stand it being played. We would play it on repeat for entire shifts, gritting our teeth in pain. I and a guy named Steve finally won by playing it for an entire weekend, including overnight while the place was closed.

  11. AnnieH on Fri, 16th Jan 2009 9:07 pm

    12. Does the Geneva Code of Conventions know about this??

  12. Unfinished Rambler on Sat, 17th Jan 2009 12:26 pm

    13. Personally I think Pennsylvania sucks with the temperatures in the negatives for the last couple of days and just getting over a stomach flu doesn’t help. I want to get out of this cabin, this prison, but I’m trapped. Thanks for cheering me up this Saturday morning, you bastard. You do suck at memes.

  13. ang on Sat, 17th Jan 2009 8:08 pm

    14. Memes are equivalent to:

    A. Line Dancing
    B. ‘The wave’ @ sporting events.
    C. Extending one’s fists out, while gyrating the hips and hollering “Boo-yah.”
    D. All of the above.

    Yes, I love memes but you did a great job! LOL

  14. Justine on Sun, 18th Jan 2009 9:24 am

    15. “In an mmm bop they’re gone. In an mmm bop they’re not there. Until you lose your hair. But you don’t care.” Suck it, Vanilla Ice.

    Actually Ice Ice Baby is one of those songs which will never be removed from my iPod. Unless I drop it down the bog.

    Also: I give your armpit farts 3 stars.

  15. Spit on Mon, 19th Jan 2009 11:11 am

    16. I agree. Ohio Sucks.

  16. ejly on Mon, 19th Jan 2009 12:20 pm

    17. You summed up my usual opinion of blog memes. And made me laugh. And picked up a new twitter follower. Nice job! I’m glad Chuck intro’ed me to you. P.S. The Russian judge only gave you 1 star for the armpit farts, sic Joe on her.

  17. Johnny Truant on Mon, 19th Jan 2009 12:56 pm

    18. Chuck is indeed a good introducer. When I come to rule the world, he shall be spared.

  18. Sarah on Mon, 19th Jan 2009 5:30 pm

    19. I would totally agree – Northern Ohio sucks big hairy balls. Now as for Southern Ohio – different story. It only sucks balls of those proportions occasionally.

  19. LisaNewton on Tue, 20th Jan 2009 10:45 pm

    20. I was born and raised in Ohio, loved it, but moved to the East Coast. Then, I lived there, married, had 4 beautiful daughters, divorced and moved to sunny Califonia.

    I just got back from a trip back east, loved visiting family but hated the cold.

    Yes, I’m done with winter for a while…………………:)

    BTW, your blog posts bring a smile to my face. Love them……………………:)

  20. Johnny Truant on Tue, 20th Jan 2009 11:27 pm

    21. Kindly pack up some warmth and cheer and FedEx it this way. Winter doldrums are making me want to eat my own foot around here.

  21. Trish/Astrogirl426 on Wed, 21st Jan 2009 8:58 am

    22. Well, you must have SOME cache´ because when I saw that you had mentioned me I squealed like a fangurl. So there’s that. Although I was a little disappointed that I didn’t make it into the “people with a lampshade over their heads” category, but I suppose talking about dicks all day long doesn’t do it. Maybe I could be “the girl who talks a good game but when you get her in the kitchen alone won’t put out, not even to second base” (at which my husband would be highly disturbed, but also oddly relieved. Don’t tell him, k?). I think the kids call that a cocktease.

    Also, I *am* one of those people with a lot of followers but who follows very few. I’m not a douchebag, as you’ve noted, just a big ol’ tease. Suck em in and then don’t deliver. (You heard me.)

  22. Johnny Truant on Wed, 21st Jan 2009 9:04 am

    23. I have no idea why, but I read your ratio as “this person is really popular even though I have no idea who the hell she is” rather than, “this person is an asshole.” I figured it meant you were a bigshot in something, or a minor celebrity. Don’t tell me that you actually DON’T know Oprah. Because it’s starting to seem like most of the people around me don’t know her at all. AT ALL.

  23. Trish/Astrogirl426 on Wed, 21st Jan 2009 10:01 am

    24. “Minor celebrity” sounds WAY better than “cocktease”.

    I don’t know Oprah, but I do know Geraldo Rivera. Any interest in meeting him? No? Damn.

  24. Monicarolevans on Wed, 21st Jan 2009 9:37 pm

    25. You are crazy. This is hella funny.

    And while I have never been to Ohio, I bet you’re correct in how much Ohio sucks.

    I can’t figure out why anyone lives in a place that has more than a few snow flurries a year.

  25. Johnny Truant on Wed, 21st Jan 2009 9:41 pm

    26. Mark my words, I will be in (or be building a place in) Charlotte, N.C. by next winter. Hand to God.

  26. Friar on Sat, 24th Jan 2009 12:23 am

    27. Hahah!

    I just found out about this blog today. And it dosen’t suck so bad. At least, not as bad as 99% of all the other boring blogs.

    You know, those blogs that give me advice to Be All that I can Be and reach the 6th level of Nirvana.

    Or Maximize my SEO to solve world hunger. Or to inspire me with stories about Little Timmy who fell down the well and then went on to win a football scholarship at with no arms and legs.

    As for the Twitter Douchebags…yeah…EXACTLY! It’s refreshing to find someone else who DARES to mock the Cool Kid Bloggers.

    I’ll definitely be back. :-D

    PS. Ohio? (Oh..that’s waaaay SOUTH…you live in the banana belt!…compared to where I am!)

  27. Johnny Truant on Sat, 24th Jan 2009 10:53 am

    28. Oh, I feel so sorry for you. At the very least, I don’t have to plug my car in at night.

  28. Friar on Sat, 24th Jan 2009 11:16 am

    29. Yeah. Minus 22C right now. Windchill of minus 34C. And I want to ski this morning!

  29. Jake on Sun, 25th Jan 2009 12:18 pm

    30. What kind of harpoons was van Winkle using when he penned those lyrics? Were they engineered by Salvador Dali? Harpoons don’t flow, they kill fish, you untalented dickhead!

  30. Johnny Truant on Sun, 25th Jan 2009 4:01 pm

    31. Let’s not forget the genius that happened when Rob Van Winkle joined The Bloodhound Gang. That was awesome.

  31. LOBO on Fri, 30th Jan 2009 5:55 am

    32. I kept hitting a splash page when I came here a few months ago. I couldn’t click on it: both my parents were killed by a splash page once. They’re fine now, but I was very traumatized.

    I’m REALLY glad I came back. I read TEIH one sitting. It’s fantastic! Too short (so far), but FANTASTIC!

    (But you still owe me your dad’s chili recipe.)

  32. Johnny Truant on Mon, 2nd Feb 2009 2:02 pm

    33. See, now all I can think of is Homer Simpson yelling out in his sleep, “Lobo! Lobo! Bring back Sheriff Lobo!”

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