Diesel totally made me retarded
I’d like you all to direct your hate mail regarding this post to diesel at mattresspolice dot com because it’s his fault that I’m writing this, and I have no real choice because that fucker has TWELVE OF MY DOLLARS, and what’s worse, TextEdit doesn’t recognize “fucker” as a word despite the fact that it clearly is, as in “fuckerooni” and “I’d fucker” and “BINGO, Blanche, you fucker!”
See, Diesel wants to be retarded.
Let me back up a minute, because that’s a strange statement. Go get yourself an afternoon cup of coffee, let the dog out, watch some Wheel of Fortune, and come back when you’re refreshed. Got it? Good. Now let me start from the beginning:
Diesel wants to be retarded.
On the internet.
Which, when you think about it, is the easiest place in the world to do it.
More specifically, Diesel wants to rank #1 for the word “retarded” on Google. Or at least, that’s what he claims, but I know for a fact that he works at Google and could easily go down to the giant dripping alien brain in Subbasement C that makes the whole thing work and threaten to cut off its supply of young Dutch virgin house painters that it requires to keep the Google algorithms from disintegrating back into hellspawn and gypsy ghosts if it didn’t rank Mattress Police as #1 for the term.
But no. He had to take the hard path, and generally retard his progress toward being maximally retarded. He wanted to create a meme where anywhere between five and six bloggers might possibly contribute to his retarded rankings by writing highly retarded posts and linking back to him.
But I was busy, and all of this pestering about it was slowing me down and generally retarding my progress.
So I emailed back and was like, “Dude, stop harassing me about your retarded meme. You’re keeping me from getting anything done.”
And he’s like, “Don’t blame the fact that you’re retarded on me.”
And I was like, “It’s true that I’m plenty retarded without you. But with you? Super retarded.”
“How retarded are we talking about?”
“It’s 1pm and I’ve done almost nothing. I’m extremely retarded. Thanks to you and your retarded meme, I’m now at least 50% more retarded than I would be otherwise.”
But it wasn’t just me. Diesel had put a lot of time into his post and his meme, which meant that regardless of his workload, he was almost certainly as retarded as I was. This gave me a weapon. AND, others had to be aware of this as well. Like the big alien brain in Google’s basement, for instance.
So Googled “Diesel is retarded.”
Disappointingly, this only returned results about Vin Diesel, who I didn’t even realize was retarded. Why was he retarded? Was it due to his own slow actions? Or was someone getting in his way as Diesel was in my way, making him all retarded?
“You realize,” I said, “that if I write excessively about you and your retarded meme, I’m going to be using the word ‘retarded’ a lot and chances are Google is going to call me on it and be like, ‘Hey! You’re keyword-stuffing retarded!’”
“So?”
“So if I do that, all it’s going to do is get my site in the retarded Google sandbox, and then maybe they’ll put you in the retarded sandbox, and then both of our sites will be not only retarded, but retarded regarding retarded, and how will that suit you and your stupid meme?”
And he was like, “You’re retarded.”
And I was like, “Thanks to you.”
Now if you’ll forgive me, I’m extraordinarily retarded and would like to return to my work. It will take me hours before I’m no longer retarded, and I may in fact remain this way for days. Wish me luck.
P.S: I’m not tagging anyone else for this meme because I’m so retarded that I can’t think of any.