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Bits and Pieces: Stupid white crap edition
You know how back in high school, there’d be this girl (or guy) you’d like, and you’d go all drooly over her, and you’d tell friends who would tolerate you that she was the perfect woman, that yeah, she was part of that one assholish group but wasn’t the same as the others in it, and didn’t really fit because she wasn’t a bitch but instead was this person with all sorts of integrity, and she also didn’t have that giant hairsprayed ball of hair on the front of her forehead like literally every other girl had in 1989? And you’d do stupid shit like make your user name on computers “CarlaLover,” and write her name on overpasses and try to kill a celebrity to impress her?
And then like two weeks later, you’d be over it and you’d notice that she had a bunch of acne on her chin…
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All the news that’s fit to… ah, screw it.
I always kind of realized I wanted to be a writer. By “kind of,” I mean that I always enjoyed writing even when I couldn’t figure out how to make a buck at it, and by “writer,” I mean someone who makes his living by sitting on the couch most of the day eating Doritos and watching C.H.I.P.s reruns. It’s all gone through fits and starts. Today, I sometimes write articles for magazines (though they ALMOST NEVER contain farting or zombies, or farting zombies if that’s at all possible, and actually, I kind of figure it is not only possible but LIKELY, given the amount of decomposition that occurs in the zombie digestive tract as well as on his face, hands, credit score, etc.), and before that I sometimes wrote copy, and before that, I sometimes wrote on napkins. (The trick is to not press too hard. That fucks up the…
Read the rest of this entry »Sometimes I tell a story over and over and over again until you just want to hang yourself with some kind of nylon rope or like a bathrobe belt, or maybe something silkier, and hey, where's that ham I lost?
A lot of you out there think I’m funny. I mean, if you don’t, why the hell are you reading this blog? Why have you read it in the past, and why will you read it in the future? And if you aren’t planning on reading it in the future, why are you being an asshole? I’d read your blog, so why won’t you read mine? Except that actually, I probably wouldn’t read your blog. I’d pretend to, but then I’d end up tracking down bizarre memes online instead, like OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!!! and GIRUGAMESH!!! But I mean, I’d pretend. Although I probably wouldn’t pretend, and would instead end up searching for this image I found once of a sailor on the deck of a ship with a horse’s head. Holding a cat. You know the image I’m talking about.
You may think I’m funny, and at least 75% of you have decided it must…
Read the rest of this entry »All's Fair in love and rectal explosives
It’s county fair time here, and that means three things:
1. Yes, I actually go to the fair.
2. Yes, seriously.
3. No, I’m not kidding.
I have a love/hate relationship with the county fair. I love that it’s here because it showcases everything that’s wrong with humanity (and who doesn’t like that?), but I hate that it sort of heralds the beginning of the end of summertime. This summer in particular seemed to go really, really fast, and that’s not cool at all.
But the people-watching I get to do on the fairgrounds kind of makes up for it.
See, you forget that these people exist if you stay at home, avoiding the fair like some sort of black plague that ushers with it human mutants wearing matching mall-photo-booth t-shirts stretched out over gigantic, distended Orca bellies, fried foods running in congealed little balls down their protruding and exposed torsos, long rat tails of hair hanging…
Read the rest of this entry »Zombierama
So the other day, I find myself alone in the house and I decide to watch the remake of Dawn of the Dead. I’ve watched it like a dozen times and keep rewatching it because I’m all about seeing the dead come back to life. It’s like, inspirational or something. It’s comforting to know that death is not the end. Beyond death is rebirth as an ambling corpse with a neverending bloodlust and hunger for human brains. Just like it says in the Bible.
For some reason, I really dig movies where the world ends, which is strange because if the world actually did end, I’d be totally bummed out. Still, in movie form, it’s total win. And a movie gets bonus points if the end of the world is populated by zombies.
Like the 28 Days Later movies. British zombies, with regrettable extensive shots of Cillian Murphy’s unit.
And just when you…
Read the rest of this entry »What? This post is totally innocent.
The Max & Erma’s restaurant near us has this stupid game that’s like a cross between pinball and skeeball. There’s a set of ringed holes (this is the skeeball part) on the far end of the game, and you try to shoot a small metal ball into them by pulling back a plunger and letting it go (the pinball part).
Each of the ringed holes has a point value assigned to it. You get seven balls, and your goal is to score as highly as possible using those seven. The game promises that you’ll “Win a prize every time!” but the joke is on the sucker who plays it because it costs 50 cents and the prizes are various-sized superballs. So even when you win, you lose.
Of course, every time we go, that sucker is me. We played on Friday, Austin and I taking turns shooting the balls into the holes,…
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