Screw SEO

September 18, 2009 by Johnny
Filed under: Online biz 

I’m typing this post with one hand because I’m wielding a pair of nunchucks with the other to keep search engine optimization ninja Michael Martine at bay. I was like, “You know what, Michael? Screw SEO!” And then he started doing that thing where you run up the wall and do a backflip while pitching throwing stars at me, and I knew I’d hit a hot button.

This SEO question has been a topic of interest with me recently — after the fifth or sixth person in a row that I’ve coached in a row asked me about search optimization, and how to lick the engines’ nuts so that they keep knocking on your door.

I always give these people my pat, Cracker Jack answer to that question:

1. I know some stuff about search engines and how to optimize for them, but

2. Really, Michael Martine is the best SEO guy I know if you’d like to increase your search engine ranking by like a billion percent, and he’s so into it that if you even think about not optimizing properly, he’ll do backflips and use kitanas and shit, or

3. At the very least, do yourself a favor and pick up Naomi Dunford’s SEO School because it’s written for normal people and is easily the most accessible guide to this complex subject that I’ve ever seen, but actually

4. Fuck it, SEO sucks.

Which is totally the wrong answer, and totally makes people hang up the phone, get on a plane, fly to Cleveland, rent a car, drive an hour to my house, and then start doing ninja flips off my walls. And it’s also actually (in a not-even-sarcastic manner) REALLY the wrong answer for a whole lot of people. Like, probably for the majority of people trying to do business online.

But for me? For people like me, for whom “personality” is a big part of their value proposition? Yeah, not so much.

I used to try with SEO. Really. I even got this plugin for my humor blog called “SEO Slugs.” Now, it turned out that the plugin actually has NOTHING to do with slugs (okay, almost nothing), but instead takes little words out of the name of your post when it makes the permalink to that post. So basically, a post called “I suck and am lame” becomes www.yourdomain.com/suck-lame instead of i-suck-and-am-lame. The idea is to increase your SEO appeal by taking those nonsense words out and leaving only vital keywords for Google to masturbate over. All it really did for me, though, was to make my links more hilarious.

So the sales motivation piece I wrote called Stop being afraid of selling, you pussy became

stop-afraid-selling-pussy.

And more notoriously, my post This goat is your goat, this goat is my goat became

goat-goat-goat-goat.

Which was totally, totally optimized for people searching for goats (or multiple goats) but which brought me EXACTLY ZERO NEW CLIENTS, whereas the selling-pussy post attracted only pimps.

Search engine traffic has never converted well for me, which really isn’t a shock. For one, ranking is hard in itself. It’s nearly impossible to optimize for humor, and I’d end up drawing well only for “webelos” and “testicles.” It didn’t matter how descriptive I made my tags; it was and remains nearly impossible to encapsulate “what I’m about” in a handful of keywords . So I gave up. I know, I know… today, I could, in theory, start optimizing again for “Wordpress blogs” and “technology consulting” or whatever. But I remain given up.

And here’s why.

SEO is great if you’re selling something that is easily describable, that is essentially the same from any seller, that people know they need, and that they know how to put into a search. If you’re looking for widgets, you Google “widgets” and pick the first listing that doesn’t look like it’s operated by crackheads. But let’s see how people like me fare on those tests.

1. Easily describable
As far as the stuff I charge for, I set up websites, build custom stuff, teach technology, and so forth. Okay, not too hard to describe if you leave it at that. I’d argue that “what I offer” has a lot to do with my humor and personality as well, which is harder to describe… but let’s give criterion #1 the benefit of the doubt and move on.

2. Essentially the same from any seller
This is where it falls apart. You can’t turn around today without finding another post about how the internet is getting more intimate and how people are starting to become jaded with its often-faceless nature. If the internet-as-small-towns model is on the rise, the seller matters in the way Sam the Butcher mattered on The Brady Bunch. I’m not like most technology guys. And think how hard this one is to meet for life coaches, for instance. You don’t buy life coaching undifferentiated and off-the-shelf the way you buy toilet paper… although if you use my guy, it’s definitely as squeezably soft.

3. People know they need it
My readers and clients don’t tell me that they came to me because they needed to know X or needed Y service and that I provided it adequately. They say they came to me because they were referred by a friend, or they read me on IttyBiz or another site they trust. They tell me that I make things easy to understand, or made them laugh. All of this goes into a decision to read my stuff or to work with me. But do people know they need these things? Not always. And to borrow from my example in #2, I wouldn’t have know that “Life coach with an English accent who will sometimes tell you to hang on while he calls his dog a cunt” was a criterion, but apparently that kind of thing is important to me in a life coach.

4. Easy to put into a search
If the qualities that make you compelling to your readers and customers are hard to put into a few words, people will never think to search for them or will not know how to do so. Try Googling my criterion for a life coach above. Google doesn’t see that phrase often and, honestly, doesn’t know quite what to do with it. I mean, maybe you’ll get Tim if you run that search, but I’ll bet it’s more likely that you get sites like ZooPorn.com.

I’m not saying SEO is worthless for people like me and Tim. I know that Tim does optimize (although I don’t know his results; he may just attract “webelos” and “testicles” traffic), but I know it’s not the whole picture. I know that his best contacts come from referrals, which have little or no ties to the search engines.

Now, me? I could, probably, get a bit of mileage by optimizing for a few terms that describe the concrete nature of what I do, but I’m too lazy to try. That stuff bores me, and I think my time is better spent making new relationships, culling referrals, writing more often for sites whose audiences are likely to contain my kinds of people. I think I’ll do best by nurturing relationships with the folks I’ve already met and worked with online.

I could optimize for “Wordpress setup” and get a handful of undifferentiated traffic. Half would be offended by the way I write. Half would find me unprofessional. And half would not understand how half + half + half in a percentages situation even makes sense.

Or I could keep doing what I’m doing. I could keep meeting more people and networking, just being my proactive, gregarious self, and watch those six degrees of separation shrink. Like how I met my latest partner in crime Chris Johnson, who I’m already starting to do some great new stuff with. I don’t know Chris due to random internet traffic. I know him through a series of very qualified and solid online friendships. If you start back when I first joined Twitter almost a year ago and knew nobody, the chain goes Havi Brooks > Naomi Dunford > Clay Collins > Michael Martine > Chris.

(Now, there’s actually another, much shorter route that it turns out I could have taken to Chris, but I’ll tell that story a bit later. It’s an interesting one.)

Point is, that connection — as well as any one of a dozen others that today is about to sprout something really, really, really cool and beneficial for me and my buddies — came not through the engines, but through good old-fashioned networking. You meet people. You meet their people. You look for mutual benefit until you find it, and you repeat.

So yeah, you shouldn’t maybe be as blase about SEO as I am. Maybe you should use it. Probably you should use it — especially if you’re in a widget kind of field. But while you’re doing so, remember that whether you’re a dog trainer or a quilter or a fish thrower or an irreverent life coach, you’re missing out on some very seriously good stuff if all you’re doing is relying on Google.

So get out there and shake some virtual hands.

By the way, has anyone seen Michael? I’ll bet he’s in my attic again. Damn. These nunchucks are going to be virtually worthless up there.

 

 

 

RELATED POSTS:

  1. My Scribe SEO review
  2. I do everything wrong
  3. Want to be rich and happy, and maybe change the world?

Tags: , ,

Comments

30 Comments on Screw SEO

  1. Michael Martine on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 9:17 am

    2. Look behind you.

  2. Michael Martine on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 9:21 am

    3. The reason your SEO sucks is because you tackled it from a surface/technical angle. On the other hand, I never thought I would’ve laughed so hard at WordPress post slugs. That is a sign of how weird my life has become.

    Oh, and by the way: Funniest. Tags. Ever.

  3. Johnny on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 9:24 am

    4. Well, that and the fact that I had nothing to optimize FOR when I started doing it, with the pure humor blog. I had no central topic, so what could I use? “Humor”? That led to widespread apathy. Then, by the time I thought about it again, I had enough other stuff going on that it drained down into apathy, which is where you see it now, in that puddle under your feet.

    By the way, I’m hoping you’ll get some juice for the phrase “increase your search engine ranking by like a billion percent.”

  4. Genuine Chris Johnson on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 9:33 am

    5. Ah, yes, that short route. Funny, that. But, yeah, ultimately, all things social media and sales are about relationships. Not en masse stuff.

    For everyone that makes it to the “raving fans” category (darren, brian c, chrisg,) there are dozens that go broke trying, missing the deals that are everywhere and easy to close. SEO has yielded one of my top ten clients.

  5. Christian on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 9:36 am

    6. It’s definitely true that SEO is important…it’s also definitely true that it is not everything. Your comments on seo slugs are HILARIOUS

  6. Daniel M. Clark on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 10:28 am

    7. Proof:
    I had no idea who you were, that you even existed, before you wrote that language article at Copyblogger recently. It was awesome, and the comments were fun. I started following you on Twitter, and I started reading your site.

    Google can suck it. Personal relationships FTW.

  7. Norcross on Fri, 18th Sep 2009 11:25 am

    8. I’m SEO-tarded for the most part. While I understand the basics, beyond that it seems like a crapshoot. It’s always been word of mouth, putting your name out there in places where others read, and just being awesome. You do all 3. Fuckin A, I’d rather just put the work into a good post / product and leverage someone else’s SEO that spin my wheels looking for my own.

  8. Tracy on Sun, 20th Sep 2009 7:30 pm

    9. So this is why I’m not rich yet even though I totally dominate several search terms like “crazy shit what comes out of cans”.

    It boils down to not having all your eggs in one basket. I do the easy SEO tricks because it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort and out of those 100 or so folks that find me a day through search maybe one will share the link or subscribe. Not a great rate of return but for something that took an extra minute or so, not too bad, either. But it wouldn’t really be a great use of my time to do much more than that, so I don’t.

    On the other hand I’ve known some folks that would benefit greatly from SEO but can’t be bothered. That’s as crazy as goats-goats-goats-goats.

  9. Michael Martine on Sun, 20th Sep 2009 7:37 pm

    10. Most people really have no clue as to what keywords they should rank for. In some cases it’s obvious, but in most cases it’s not. And then out of those, which ones they could reasonably expect to be able to rank for. SEO is work. Far easier to just laugh it off as unnecessary or even undesirable.

    Here’s a clue: if you’re ranking #1 for a keyword but you still get no traffic, you picked the wrong keyword.

  10. JoVE on Sun, 20th Sep 2009 8:39 pm

    11. Thanks. I agree. I remember Naomi writing about why SEO is important and using an example of a bed and breakfast, and I thought “Wait a minute, even my dad uses the internet (at hte library) to search for B&Bs but that’s not my business.”

    My analytics stats tell me that most of the people that came to my site from google searched for my name. Meaning they’d heard of me and then searched for me. In some businesses the relationship thing is just going to be much more important.

    But then I don’t use the yellow pages much either. I prefer to ask a friend for a recommendation and then use the white pages to look up the number.

  11. Johnny on Sun, 20th Sep 2009 9:16 pm

    12. The laughable part of all of this is that I could totally optimize for some stuff today because I do operate within a searchable area. However, it’s like Michael says: It’s work. What the fuck do I need that for?

  12. Johnny on Sun, 20th Sep 2009 9:16 pm

    13. Work, I mean.

  13. Paul on Sun, 20th Sep 2009 11:57 pm

    14. I’ve always wanted to ask this question: SEO ranking is important. But, what if I am already ranked on the 1 (sometimes when Im lazy ) on the second page of Google. And still don’t have enough visitors ?

  14. Michael Martine on Mon, 21st Sep 2009 12:14 am

    15. Paul, more than half of people click on the 1st result of page one, and more than half of the rest of them never get to page 2.

    And, again, the keywords has to truly be high-value and effective. Plus, you have to be in a market where there’s healthy search activity in the first place.

  15. Content vs SEO - Which Will Win? (The Answer May Surprise You) on Mon, 21st Sep 2009 9:56 pm

    16. [...] know who says SEO is bullshit? Mostly (but not always, so note that qualifier before you flame me in the comments) people who [...]

  16. Drew @ Cook Like Your Grandmother on Mon, 21st Sep 2009 10:50 pm

    17. You already know what your problem is. (Talking to JB here.) Most of what you post here, no one knew they wanted to read it before they did. Kind of hard to optimize for a search that no one is *ever* going to try. Except the zooporn stuff, the less said about which the better.

    For me, it’s the exact opposite. I’m on the first page of Google for dozens of terms, lots of them first or second, because I’m able to ask myself, “The person who wants to do what I’m showing them here, what would they type into Google to find it?” Then that’s the subject line.

  17. Johnny on Tue, 22nd Sep 2009 11:45 am

    18. You put that pretty succinctly. It’s the truth… if you know what you should optimize for, you probably should. And I don’t, in many cases.

    (And in the other cases, I’m lazy.)

  18. Mitchell Allen on Sun, 27th Sep 2009 1:30 am

    19. Comment whore here. I read Michael Martine, occasionally, and follow the links around the web until I’m hopelessly lost.

    I’ve been to your blog before, but I don’t think I ever spoke up. I must say, you are funny.

    “You are funny.”

    Also, you attract funny comments. I like Tracy. Do funny people always congregate at the same places? (Prove it. Go to my blog and say something funny. I want to see how long it takes for the other funny people to show up.)

    One thing I’ll say about SEO, I wish I had that plug-in for my blog. I’d probably have a lot more than 13 subscribers.

    Cheers,

    Mitch

  19. Johnny on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 8:58 am

    20. I’m not entirely sure I like how you put “You are funny” in quotes. I know you were going for emphasis, but the quotes make me read it as sarcasm or approximation, like if I said, “So THESE are supposedly ‘the best pies in the state,’ huh?”

    Anyway, I’m heading over now to leave a comment on your site so that we can find out if it attracts funny commenters.

  20. Johnny on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 8:58 am

    21. P.S: You have a head start. I’ve decided that guys named Mitch are funny, like Mitch Hedberg and Mitch Fatel, who are easily my two favorite comedians.

  21. Daniel M. Clark on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 10:41 am

    22. Actually, I read that a little differently. He said he had to say something, then he said it, and when you say something, it goes in quotes. Kinda like…

    Allow me to introduce myself.

    “Hi, I’m Daniel”

    I want to say that you are funny.

    “You are funny.”

    I could be wrong, but that’s how it came across to me. That’s the trouble with online communication, there are too many ways to interpret things!

    Mitch Hedberg is awesome. Too bad the cat is dead, I would have loved a few more years from him.

    “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”

  22. Johnny on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 1:58 pm

    23. I like the escalator because it can never break. It can only “become stairs.”

  23. Mitchell Allen on Wed, 30th Sep 2009 4:47 pm

    24. Rest Easy, my new friend. I write like that all the time. For exampe, I may gush, “OMG I must say you are the best blogger in this time zone!” Immediately afterward, in quotes, I’ll repeat what I said I would say. :)

    Thanks for popping by my blog and leaving a funny (?) comment.

    LOL, just teasing you with the parenthetical thingy.

    Cheers,

    Mitch

  24. Dave Wilkinson on Sat, 16th Jan 2010 1:25 am

    25. What do you mean I’m 4 months late in commenting on this post?! I’ve been pondering…

    Not to take anything away from yet another very funny post, but Michael hit the nail on the head with his comment (the one about ranking #1 and still getting no traffic, not the one where he’s standing behind you, which incidentally sounds a tad gay),

    I rank #1 for a great search term, but I still don’t get enough traffic to pay the bills. Twitter and referrals from online friends are what put food on the table.

  25. Michael Martine on Sat, 16th Jan 2010 2:57 am

    26. A tad gay? Well, as long as you mean that in a good way. Come to think of it, it was odd that Johnny sent all those flowers and condoms. Hmm…

  26. Johnny on Sat, 16th Jan 2010 9:17 am

    27. Funny that you’d resurrect this post from the depths, because I was just looking at my analytics for the first time in a long time and here are my top 10 search terms for the last month, proving that I am clearly not optimizing worth a damn:

    1. johnny b truant
    2. johnny truant
    3. site:johnnybtruant.com free theme
    4. johnnybtruant
    5. johnny b. truant
    6. johnnybtruant.com
    7. johnny b truant blog setups
    8. johnny truant + $50. website
    9. charlie and johnny jam session
    10. http://johnnybtruant.com/

    Michael, could I probably be doing a WORSE job of SEO? It appears that virtually nobody is coming to my site through search engines who DOESN’T ALREADY KNOW ME.

    Ha, that’s hilarious every time I see it. In a tragic kind of way.

  27. Drew @ Cook Like Your Grandmother on Sat, 16th Jan 2010 11:39 am

    28. There’s another way to look at it: Does anyone end up on coca-cola.com who doesn’t already know they want The Real Thing? You’re branded, baby.

  28. Michael Martine on Sat, 16th Jan 2010 4:24 pm

    29. Johnny, I’d say that depends on your traffic levels. If they’re abysmal, then SEO would probably help. If they’re great, then maybe it’s not a big deal. One simple thing you could experiment with is your headlines. You’re a good enough writer to be able to work keywords into your headlines while still injecting that patented Johnny B. Truant sass into them.

  29. Johnny on Sat, 16th Jan 2010 4:52 pm

    30. Meh, it’s cool. I’ve come to this realization that what I blog about actually seems to have very little to do with what I’m hired for anyway.

    Viva la weird business shit!

  30. Scribe SEO Review - SEO copywriting just got easier | Johnny B. Truant on Thu, 25th Feb 2010 3:07 pm

    31. [...] engine optimization plugin — is that I’m the same guy who wrote a post called “Screw SEO,” after which Michael Martine stalked me with nunchucks for dispairaging his [...]

Tell me what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!