I’m opening a can of whoop-ass

August 13, 2009 by Johnny
Filed under: Inspiration & motivation, Life of Johnny 

Okay, confession time. I’m not as together as you all think I am.

I know, I know… it’s shocking to think that a funny person would have issues. Stand-up comedians are paragons of psychological health, and role models such as Richard Pryor and Chris Farley prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that hilarity rides side-by-side with emotional stability and good judgment. Funny people are hardly ever messed up, hardly ever have deep, dark demons, and never turn to drugs to assuage those demons.

Well, I’ve never taken a drug in my life, or even more than two drinks in an evening. But I do have the demons.

It’s okay. It’s cool. Most of the time these things are no problem, but you take my still-present real estate “challenge” and let it burn my ass for several years, and I develop some pretty intense moments of worry. I develop some anger. It makes me so mad that while I have indeed used Naomi Dunford’s awesome advice to create what will probably be a $50k business in its first year, most of that is going right down the real estate toilet.

So yeah, I still worry a lot. But I’m cool with admitting that for two reasons:

One, a hell of a lot of you feel the same way. For many of you, I’m just saying what you’re thinking – especially in this economy.

And Two, because I’ve realized what I need to do about it. I’ve found the antidote to fear.

I’ll get to that in a minute. First, let’s address that fear and that worry, and the fact that a lot of it probably isn’t even real. Yeah, you heard me.

Here’s how this train of thought started: I just got back from a long weekend at my mom’s lake cottage, and while I was there, I read World War Z, which was totally awesome, and from which I found that I was taking a whole lot of surprising perspective. It’s about a zombie war. An outbreak causes corpses to reanimate and overrun the living until they are shot or impaled in the head, and the book is told through a bunch of first-person accounts. As much as I’ve beaten zombie jokes to death (no pun intended), there is nothing funny about WWZ. It’s really well-written, and I’m sitting there reading it and I’m thinking, “Wow, it would suck if this really happened.”

I’d put that book down and suddenly my shitty properties didn’t seem so bad. I’m healthy. My family is healthy. No reanimated corpses are waiting on the bottom of the lake. And even the property mess? I might have a rocky few months coming up, but even that will be fine. So why the worry?

I realized that a lot of my ongoing worry has no real antecedent. I’ve dubbed this “foo fear” — fear that is spectral, false, not really there. Yet, it’s everywhere — probably even in you.

You may be thinking that your fear isn’t like this. Your fear is very real. Well, is it? Let’s say you think you may legitimately lose your job soon. Think about that for a while, and ponder what it would mean. Would you have to move in with relatives? What’s your realistic worst-case scenario?

Now think about the fear. Honestly think about it. I’d wager that it’s not “I may have to live with relatives” fear. I’ll bet it feels closer to dying, to being crushed, to being rendered worthless and incapable of moving on. I’ll bet it feels crippling.

If so: Foo fear. Fake fear.

Okay, now back to my point #2 above. What’s the antidote to fear?

Action.

This has been bothering me. I write a lot of inspirational stuff. I read and agreed wholeheartedly with Dave Navarro’s post about how nobody is going to save you. I detest the notion of being a victim. I wrote in possibly my very favorite post about committing yourself to something. Yet time and time again (because I’m human, I guess), I feel that false fear and worry and I just let it grow.

You know the fastest way to make fear feel more and more intense? To do nothing and feel your control stripped away from you. You know the fastest way to alleviate it? All together, now: Action.

But here’s the cool part: It almost doesn’t seem to matter where you take that action. So in my case, what’s going to happen with my properties is going to happen. I have a plan, and I’m doing some things to try and get out, but there are certain things that are beyond my control. And you know what? I accept that I will have some ill-at-ease about the things I can’t control. I just want it to be manageable. I just want it to be proportional.

But, maybe I can control other things. Things that have nothing to do with real estate, but which will make me feel like the reins are back in my hands.

And that’s when I realized that I’ve gotten fat.

Now, I doubt that any of you would pass me on the street and think that I was fat. I currently weigh 210 at 6 feet tall, but I’m pretty strong and could honestly not get down to 170 unless I cut off a leg. But fitness has always been a passion of mine. It’s something that I’ve spent hours online discussing, written articles about, planning my routines and diet in great detail while watching TV. I read books on Olympic weightlifting while on vacation and negotiated with my gym until they’d allow me to buy rubber bumper weights and store them in the back room. This is a love of mine.

Yet as I felt more and more out of control with this real estate mess, I responded by giving up control of other things in my life. Like the way I ate and worked out. I still ate well… on occasion. I still went to the gym… less often and halfheartedly. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. But suddenly I was kind of out of control in all of these areas, and it left me feeling unable to act. In any area.

Well, it’s time to open up a can of whoop ass. And I want you all to hold me to it. I have two months (round to October 15th) to get down to 190 lbs. That’s a stretch; I haven’t been below 200 in forever. I was 185 about four years ago at my lowest, and I’ve gotten a hell of a lot stronger (i.e. more lean weight) since then. This is actually a retardedly difficult goal for me. But I’ll do it.

Now, will losing 20 lbs. solve my real estate woes? No. Will it make me feel more in control, less sloppy and weak-willed as a person, and hence better able to deal with those woes? Yes.

Will it reduce my day-to-day fear to logical, non-foo levels because I’m exerting what Tony Robbins aptly calls “personal power” — my ability to act? I think so.

I went out my first day back from vacation, yesterday, and did one of the hardest workouts I know. The weights I used were 315/210/155. It was quite painful. In the evening, my 4-year-old son Austin and I did a strongman workout. He got a few adaptations, like flipping a car tire instead of the behemoth I was using.

I’m quite sore today. I will probably not enjoy tomorrow’s workout. But it felt good to take control again, and that’s enjoyment beyond measure.

So if you’re getting that foo fear, open a can of whoop ass along with me. Post your control-grabbing commitment to the comments so that I can mock your sorry ass if you choose to wallow in worry instead of acting.

And I want you to mock me, too. You’re going to help me strengthen my sense of control, and I thank you for it.

P.S: I actually had this idea BEFORE meeting GenuineChris, but I have to admit that his NAMBLA/KKK weight loss plan may just be the most hilarious and non-PC self-discipline vehicle ever conceived.

 

 

 

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Comments

20 Comments on I’m opening a can of whoop-ass

  1. Tim Brownson on Thu, 13th Aug 2009 4:09 pm

    2. Did you mean

    “most of that is going toward paying off some debts that taught me a shit load about life. In fact they were worth every penny and I’d not give up that experience for twice the money. It has helped me see the light and make the changes I needed to make to be the person I want to be for my wife, kids and myself”

    Is that what you meant?

    My fucking awesome book How To Be Rich and Happy due for a soft release on 2nd September is going to sell 1,000,000+ copies, is that good enough for you?

  2. Johnny B. Truant on Thu, 13th Aug 2009 4:16 pm

    3. See, now I thought of you when I changed “real estate nightmare” to “real estate ‘challenge,’” but it’s not good enough for you, is it?

    Actually, I’m going to be so thrilled when that money starts going to pay off debts. Currently it’s going toward ongoing issues. But soon, so in advance… yeah.

  3. kyeli on Thu, 13th Aug 2009 4:24 pm

    4. I’m challenging myself to get to 212 before my wedding on November 7th (three months, 20 pounds or so). Since I have a broken foot, this will be interesting.

    Thanks for the inspiration to make it a more public goal. It’s been a secret goal, but it’s nice to say it out loud.

    Plus, I really fucking love the part about taking your foo fear and turning it into ACTION. Love it.

  4. Tim Brownson on Thu, 13th Aug 2009 4:33 pm

    5. @ JBT – No you’re right, nothing is good enough, now get your nose back on that grindstone

    @ Kyel- – If you cut off your foot you would kill two birds with one stone.

  5. Johnny B. Truant on Thu, 13th Aug 2009 4:34 pm

    6. There’s that English guy, taking credit again for my “cut off foot to lose weight” idea.

    Seriously, read Chris’s weight loss plan from the P.S. That will motivate your ass.

  6. kyeli on Thu, 13th Aug 2009 5:01 pm

    7. Uh, I’m not really in the “punish myself to succeed” camp. In fact, I’m across the planet in the “nurture myself to succeed” camp.

    Also, there is some assumption that my leg alone weighs twenty pounds – and maybe my whole entire leg does, but it’s only broken from the ankle down. The rest is perfectly functional.

    Geez, people.

  7. Tim Brownson on Thu, 13th Aug 2009 6:21 pm

    8. Some people have always got an excuse.

    Don’t cut my foot off because it ‘might’ get better.

    But I don’t ‘think’ my foot weights 20lbs.

    It probably wont get better, and if your foot only comes in at 10lbs, well that just gives you the opportunity to lop the other one off and balance things out.

    You’ll save a fortune on nail polish, shoes and other assorted foot stuff. Not only that, but you could have your feet stuffed and use one as a paperweight and the other as a conversation starting door stop.

  8. plb on Thu, 13th Aug 2009 9:26 pm

    9. It matters. Do it. I feel the same way about the 20-30 lbs I need to lose – how can I possibly start a new business if I don’t have the willpower to do this?

  9. kate on Fri, 14th Aug 2009 9:08 am

    10. funny you should be doing this (ironic funny, not really haha funny. though you ARE haha funny. ahem anyway) because i am just realizing that the constant in my life when i have propelled myself into major changes has been when i am taking care of myself, working out, eating right, and taking action. it completely overflows into other areas of your life! I forgot about all this, thinking i didnt have time to take care of myself and that other things are more important – once i get other stuff done THEN i will worry about losing weight, etc.

    and then you go and post this and point out how wrong i really am! (and i hate to admit that you are right, but you are)

    so my commitment is that i will work out more (considering it’s NEVER now, this should not be so difficult lol) and eating healthier! I want to lose a whole lot more than 20lbs but thats all i am going to say out here on the internets :)

  10. Frank on Fri, 14th Aug 2009 1:02 pm

    11. Well I totally agree with you, thinking about it does make it worse, sometimes much worse. Taking action does work what else could work? Moving in with relatives is like hairy-carey I would live under a bridge first. Funny you mention losing weight I recently read an article about people exercising to lose weight and they concluded that exercising made people eat more and gain more, so watch what you eat after the exercise program. Also what about a mile run in this heat that should do something if its only a -pound of sweat. I’m not into amputation, cutting or any other Foot-loose acts, I would probaly resort to shaving all my hair, pulling out my fingernails and toe-nails, than move onto a finger at a time, hell it would suck without a foot, although I could probaly get one of those scooter buggies they advertise on tv. Hell we all probaly have enough waste in us to make up 20lbs give this receipe a shot>>>>>>>>>>>8-Day-Cleanse – includes 1 Canister Seven Essentials Vegetable Broth flavor, 2 Bottles Aloe’V'a Power, 1 Bottle Digestive Cleanse, 1 Bottle Parasite Cleanse, ph Tape & Instructions . If that don’t work try this>>>Scary Sharp Knives Give Freddy Krueger A Run For His Money!
    http://www.epinions.com/review/Wusthof_Trident_Classic_8_Piece_Block_Set/content_241526673028……... Well whatever you choose to do good luck and enjoy. lmfao

  11. Sonia Simone on Fri, 14th Aug 2009 11:19 pm

    12. I know this is the lamest thing to do in the history of lame things, however: Instinct Diet. 20 pounds by October 15 won’t be hard. Naturally, feel free to do the excruciating workout thing as well, as I know that’s one of the weird joys of being a guy that I will never understand. But seriously. Instinct Diet. Not remotely hard. Works like crazy. Based on research, not marketing copy.

    OK, I am now going to take a bath to purge my embarrassment over promoting a diet book. Believe me, it’s even weirder for me to write than it was for you to read.

  12. Terry Heath on Mon, 17th Aug 2009 12:04 am

    13. Well, I lost a bunch of weight with “no white at night” . . . which meant no sugars and carbs after 4pm, so don’t get any ideas.

  13. Johnny B. Truant on Mon, 17th Aug 2009 3:52 pm

    14. I think I’ve misrepresented myself and I now think you all believe I’m mincing about and checking my ass in mirrors and whining about how I’m bloated. Thanks for the tips, but I should explain:

    It’s not about the fat. It’s about regaining a feeling of control.

    I actually got a Facebook message from a friend (a good guy who is a bit preoccupied with “protecting” people) who is worried that I’m going to go off on some sort of crash diet even though he should know me better than that. I’m like, c’mon, Andy… I don’t fad diet. I just train harder and stop eating crappy foods as often.

    I actually do think most of you would give me a ton of shit for complaining about it if you saw what I’m bitching about. I’d post a picture but there’s no way I could do it with any integrity.

    I will toss my ideas in the pot, though, for anyone who might like to pick them up. What has always worked for me is the Zone diet (GREAT for diabetics either way) plus more metabolic training like you’ll find on Crossfit.com. Follow The Zone and do Crossfit hard and you’ll get in shape, I swear!

    Thanks for your thoughts as always, folks!

  14. Norcross on Mon, 17th Aug 2009 4:08 pm

    15. Well, considering I am losing weight without trying (to the chagrin of those around me), losing x lbs isn’t an issue of mine. However, considering I am leaving my comfortable office job (and salary) at the end of the year to go back to school full time (thus depending on my freelance income), I need to control my spending. And get rid of the looming credit card bill that I’ve paid off twice in 2 years, only to fill back up again.

  15. Johnny B. Truant on Mon, 17th Aug 2009 4:20 pm

    16. Good, now give a specific goal.

    Oh, I should mention that my true goal is actually the far more nebulous “look better” since I could really give a shit what the number on the scale is. I may actually not be able to go as low as 190 without killing myself, to which I’m averse. I made it 20 lbs because it’s specific and measurable.

  16. Megan M. on Mon, 17th Aug 2009 4:51 pm

    17. I really love this post. It was just what I needed to read when I found it. Thanks, man. :}

  17. Frank on Mon, 17th Aug 2009 6:30 pm

    18. I know what you mean I feel that way each time I quit smoking, unfortunately it only last about 3 days before I cave into the habit. Although the feeling of being completely in control of myself is a fantastic feeling and for the time I feel much stronger all around…Sometimes I use the control factor to quit by, it helps out and gives me inner strength, just not enough I guess its just an endless game

  18. Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 19th Aug 2009 3:09 pm

    19. Megan, glad it/I could help!

    And Frank, you should just stuff a sock in your mouth all day. Ever manage to smoke successfully through a sock? No? Well, there you go.

    I’m happy to report that my ass-kicking is going well. Haven’t taken a full day off yet, hungry all the motherfucking time. Health is so grand.

  19. I quit. : Johnny B. Truant on Wed, 21st Oct 2009 9:19 pm

    20. [...] anyway, a while back, I made a pledge to lose 22 pounds. I started out at 212, which is a tad heavy for me. I stepped up my workouts, reined in my diet, [...]

  20. Okay, I kind of don’t quit in a way after all, while still essentially remaining quitted on the thing I quit last time : Johnny B. Truant on Thu, 5th Nov 2009 8:01 am

    21. [...] August, I set a goal to lose 22 pounds. I didn’t really need to lose that weight (I would have had the abs of a sexy, sexy (sexy!) [...]

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