I offer you punk rock babies to solidify my vow

April 23, 2009 by Johnny
Filed under: Announcements, Idiocy 

Dear loyal TEIH readers. Yes, both of you.

Allow me to begin by setting forth the traditional conversational offering of my people: a video of a baby enjoying Black Flag’s “TV Party.”

I offer this video because I have not been as funny lately as I would like.

I have been more businessy and/or introspective lately than I had intended.

I have referenced Tony Robbins more often recently than is healthy.

I have put off sending my newsletter by a week. You didn’t know that I was doing that until now. This is my way of telling you. Casually, so you can’t get too pissed and throw shoes at me, or at the president. Except that you know Obama is more spry than Bush and probably would have caught any shoes thrown at him by Iraqi journalists and then done some ninja shit to throw them back with all sorts of flips and shriuken, but with no loud noises because ninjas are silent killers. Although, you know, Bush was pretty nimble at dodging the shoes thrown at him. That’s a skill that most presidents don’t have. Maybe Bush is a ninja. Not that I’m accusing, because, you know, I don’t want him sneaking up behind me and slitting my throat. By the way, I was trying to think of that 1990s video game where some character yells “SHRIUKEN!” when he throws ninja stars but I couldn’t think of it. Does anyone know what game that was? Also, I knew this kid named “Ace” in grade school who had razor-sharp ninja stars and used to throw them at the cabinets in his kitchen. Now that was a classy family.

This said, I’ve actually made some really nice headway on the more problematic issues of life. Things are starting to settle down some. I’m finding I have a bit more time.

So I hereby resolve to work on the following. I’d like you, my loyal readers (yes, both of you) to help keep me honest about this:

• I want to finish the book proposal for my much-anticipated fatherhood guide. Because I have a lot to say about fatherhood, which makes me a guru. Except that I think that when you’re a guru, you have to have people actually listening to you. Which I don’t always. What do you call someone with a lot to say on a topic, but who nobody listens to? You know, they have a lot of them on PBS. Bert was one. Ernie too. Oh, right: “Ninjas.”

• I want to edit The Bialy Pimps and offer it as a serialized book online. Production is so much easier and cheaper that way. Maybe I email you a chapter a week as a PDF or something. The cool thing about this is that if nobody buys it, none of you will know. I can be all, “I sold a million copies!” and who are you to figure out I’m lying? You’re not Bert. Bert has a unibrow.

I need to get back to bidness for now, but I’m going to see if I can’t turn up the funny somewhat in the coming weeks.

P.S: Don’t open your coat closet. The one near the door. Bert’s in there.

 

 

 

 

Comments

15 Comments on I offer you punk rock babies to solidify my vow

  1. Stickman on Thu, 23rd Apr 2009 2:51 pm

    2. punk rock babies are funny. can you turn it up more than that? i don’t believe it.

  2. Bill S on Thu, 23rd Apr 2009 3:57 pm

    3. Doesn’t “funny” have to take a sabbatical every so often to charge up on its material? Take your time while I reread “*May contain…”.

    Cute kids, btw!

  3. BlueSteel on Fri, 24th Apr 2009 10:43 am

    4. The only thing missing is the TSK – TSK of the highhat!

  4. Irreverent Coach on Fri, 24th Apr 2009 11:44 am

    5. Make that 3 loyal readers. I love your posts!

  5. Johnny B. Truant on Fri, 24th Apr 2009 12:05 pm

    6. Coach – How do you know you’re not one of the two?

  6. Tracy on Fri, 24th Apr 2009 2:38 pm

    7. Wow, you’re busy!

    I realized that my blog had turned into Me n’ Tim talk about Tracy so I did a post with some disgusting pictures of a chicken with ooze stuck to it. Traffic through the roof. So next time you get busy, just open up something from Armour or Sweet Sue, take a few photos and there you go!

  7. Johnny B. Truant on Fri, 24th Apr 2009 9:52 pm

    8. Haha, no shit I’m busy.

    Hey Stickman… you don’t believe I’m really playing Black Flag for her? BELIEVE IT! I love how you can make kids like what you like. Awesome.

  8. C. Andres Alderete on Sun, 26th Apr 2009 9:24 am

    9. You’re describing Street Fighter 2, but he didn’t throw Chinese stars, they were fire/energy balls.
    And yes, Bush was very ninja-like in his shoe evasion. I was shocked and awed, and for the first time, I took him seriously.

  9. diesel on Sun, 26th Apr 2009 1:13 pm

    10. Yeah, be funny now. All this positive thinking crap is getting me down. :)

  10. Alice on Sun, 26th Apr 2009 3:08 pm

    11. Don’t get me wrong, I love you being funny. That being said, I think the recent tendency towards more serious posts adds depth. And if it makes you happy, I volunteer to listen attentively to any fatherhood type manifesto you produce despite being a girl. :)

  11. Laura Roeder on Sun, 26th Apr 2009 9:31 pm

    12. I was just going to tell you street fighter but someone beat me to the punch. So I’m just saying FOR THE RECORD I ALSO KNEW THAT IT WAS STREET FIGHTER.

  12. Johnny B. Truant on Mon, 27th Apr 2009 8:37 am

    13. Aaaaaand LKR comes out of the gate strong as a gamer. Who would’ve thunk it?

    By the way, the new post is hopefully funny. See? I deliver.

    And by the way, that new post also includes “Diesel.” Kind of.

  13. N.C. Winters on Fri, 1st May 2009 2:37 pm

    14. Argh, two things.

    First I have to showoff that I’m the youngest here and the fact that it was both Ken and Ryu that yelled “SHURIKEN” in Street Fighter 2, not to mention Street Fighter 2 Turbo, Street Fighter 2 Championship Edition and Street Fighter 2 , First Blood, Part 2, Revenge of the Eskimos.

    And secondly, that the word is spelled Shuriken. We’ll ignore that I began a sentence with ‘And’, but after reading your recent spelling/grammar post, I thought you would appreciate it. Does it make me a douche? Most likely, but I’m sure you’ve come to that conclusion by now anyway. I’m sure the grammar in this post is “”atrocious”". Note the use of the double air quotes- made by using four fingers on each hand.

    Oh, and hurry up on your book, just found out we’re having a boy, so you know, I’d love your input on that with the parenting help book and all. I lost five bucks, as I was positive it was going to be an Ewok, due to my furriness. Could still be an Ewok in there though, covertly lurking behind the boy. You know, like a…

  14. Johnny B. Truant on Fri, 1st May 2009 3:26 pm

    15. I actually Googled that word and went with what seemed most popular. I just know it sounds like SHROOOO-KEN!”

    Anyone remember the game “Bad Boys”? That was also at our local bowling alley. When the dude knelt down to pick something up, he’d say, “I got it” and it sounded like, “I farted.”

    My favorite, though, was how in Gauntlet, it would say, “Red warrior need food badheit.”

  15. N.C. Winters on Fri, 1st May 2009 4:17 pm

    16. Oh yeah, in that thunderous way too intense booming voice that was also kinda mechanical. That voice still haunts my dreams. Wasn’t it total crap that you were constantly losing life in Gauntlet? What kind of quarter-sucking BS was that? I still played forever though.

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