I’m relaxing my kung-fu grip

February 23, 2010 by Johnny
Filed under: Inspiration & motivation, Life of Johnny 

So the point of my “Your Goals Suck” post was supposed to be that you’ve gotta be clear about what you really want when you define success and accomplishment in life, because the default is to define those things in terms of dollars when in fact the dollars may not be necessary.

But instead, I realize I kind of came off wrong, and that it almost looks like I’m advocating creating actual value in life over materialistic things, or some other hippie bullshit.

Okay, so it’s not bullshit. But I don’t want anyone thinking I don’t like me some good materialism now and again. Just because money has been everywhere from some fat tourist’s sweaty pocket to a stripper’s butt crack, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to fill a bathtub with it and roll around in ecstasy.

(And furthermore, since that post ended in the suggestion that I’m going to be launching a new product soon, I don’t want some Robin Hood asshole suggesting later on that I’m a hypocrite when I charge for it. YES, I will want your money when I launch that thing. NOM NOM NOM NOM tasty sexy dirty money.)

Look, I think everyone today has money issues. And I don’t mean issues like you can’t make the car payment and that mutant freak circus from Operation Repo is going to come and take your car away, but more like we kind of all have issues around money, like shrink issues, like lay down on the couch with a wad of bills while some guy with a goatee and a notepad says, “Hmm, and how did that make you feel?” issues.

Like, I think these past few years have been rough on all of us, and what we’ve all kind of learned deep inside is that money equals a common means of exchange (nobody lets you pay your electric bill with a goat anymore) and that the more you have, the better, and moreover that if you have some, you’d better grip it tight and be prepared with some kung fu shit if anyone tries to take it from you.

You know, the scarcity mindset.

I’m trying to break this mindset myself, because I do have issues with money. Money tries to control me; it gets all passive-aggressive with me; when something comes up in my marriage, it’s usually because growing up, my money didn’t love me enough. I lived the past few years in a state of chronic panic because I owned real estate investments in Cleveland, where the market dropped so fast that it actually collapsed in on itself and formed a series of interconnected black holes that now provide superior transportation to what is available via the RTA train.

Live like this for a while, with every cent you earn and a few thousand dollars more flying out the window each month, and see what it does to your hoarding tendencies. In theory, I wanted to give money to the Red Cross, but in reality, let’s see them try and pry a buck out of my hands. The local kids’ clubs would be outside the grocery store collecting for this or that and I’d be like, “Dude, get your own.”

Then I started this business that I’m doing today. And over the course of this past year, things have eased up. That hideous phase of my financial life is finally coming to an end, but now it’s like I want to hang on to my dollars for dear life anyway, and never, ever let them out of my sight.

So, to combat this, I did what most wise people do when faced with financial psychological issues. I decided to become a good tipper in restaurants. You know, to practice.

Flash to my thrilling Saturday night.

We live kind of out in the country, with the “kind of” meaning that although we do have neighbors, those neighbors have sheep out in their yard. So when we go to the areas where there are restaurants, the best places are 35 minutes away.

That’s what we did on Saturday. We drove those 35 minutes, to go to Sam’s Club to stock up, and then to go out to eat.

On the way home, the kids were asleep and so I could woo Robin by showing her how I still knew all the words to “Ice Ice Baby” (“girlies on standby waiting just to say Hi… did you stop? No, I just drove by”) but on the way out, the long drive essentially just gave my daughter Sydney a nice long time to play her favorite new car game.

It sounds like this:

She says, “Daddy.”

And you’re in the middle of a sentence, so you ignore her.

And she repeats, a bit more urgently, “Dad-day!”

And so you stop your discussion and you half-turn and say, “Yes?”

And she goes, “Birdie.”

So you tell her how that’s the most amazing thing ever and resume your adult conversation. As many as ten seconds will pass and then again she’s interrupting you urgently, like, “Dad-day. Dad-DAY!”

So you ignore her a bit, because this is like the tenth time already.

“DAD-DAY.”

So maybe you go like, “Quiet.”

“Dad-DAY!”

“Sydney, knock it off.”

“DAD-DAY! DAD-DAAAAY!”

“What? What is it? What could you possibly want?”

And she returns to her normal voice and says, “Car.”

It goes on like that for like a half hour, and then we get out and buy a bunch of stuff at Sam’s Club, and when we’re done, when we’re leaving and getting really hungry, it sucks because the Girl Scouts aren’t selling cookies yet at the exit, and that’s not cool because I want to buy some of those damn cookies already and I’m HUNGRY, and all of this despite the fact that I pre-ordered 13 boxes through my gym (and don’t even get me started on the notion that this happened at my fucking gym) and Sydney is still like “DAD-DAY!” every two seconds and Austin keeps hopping off of the shopping cart so that I run into his foot and then we try to go to this hibachi place but it’s full out the door and we end up at Ruby Tuesday and I just want some damn food already and to sit down and relax a bit, and we’d promised Austin ice cream earlier (to coerce him into skipping a sledding run we didn’t have time for) and I decide I want an ice cream sundae too at the end, because I’m tired and because the Girl Scouts are entirely too slow on delivery.

But the waiter tells me that the sundae bar is $3 for all-you-can eat, and I’m like, “I just want like one little sundae.” See, I’m getting my winter fat on, and honestly, all I need is all-you-can-eat. Plus, I’m having disproportionate concern over that $3 because, you know, every cent is vital to my family’s continued existence on the planet.

So the kid, this waiter who’s already been really attentive and generally cool and in really positive spirits despite handling a table of like a billion behind me, he says kind of on the sly that he can bring me a single-serving sundae for like $1.19 if he rings it up as the kids’ version.

For some reason, this offer is super-awesome to me. Because I’m tired and because $1.79 is apparently some huge amount of money.

I eat, I enjoy. It’s winter; give me a break.

Five minutes later, the check comes and our total is $40.14 and I mentally calculate, okay, maybe I put down five bucks for the tip.

But then I think, “Dude, this kid did right by you. And you’re not throwing money down the investment black hole anymore.” And frankly, I have this notion that being awesome and not bitching about life should be rewarded, and maybe it’s time to pay attention to that idea myself, for a change.

So I put down $50 and told him I didn’t need change.

Okay, stop here for a second, because this may sound like I think I’m some great philanthropist or martyr or something because I’m giving a few more bucks on a tip. I don’t. But… wow… paying extra for something? You get down to a tip, where it’s up to my discretion, and I give more than I have to? Wow, that’s foreign. That’s a mindbender. You get in this mindset where you pay what you’re asked, and if you aren’t asked, you don’t pay.

Remember the Red Cross and the kids outside the supermarket? They were trying to get me Lucky Charms. That wasn’t cool.

But now I think that a natural part of growth is to start circulating some goodness where you can, even if it’s in small ways like leaving a few extra bucks on a tip or tossing something in the coffee can the kids have outside of your supermarket. Like when that thing comes in the mail for St. Jude Children’s Hospital, maybe you finally write them a check. Maybe you try to remind yourself that you don’t need to hold each dollar in a death grip, so that your brain figures out that you truly believe more will come.

You know, the scarcity mindset. Like, this is how you fight it.

And a few minutes later, after the waiter kid has presumably run our check, he comes back and kind of in a low voice thanks me again, like seriously and earnestly this time. Like you get the impression that not many people tip more than 10-15%.

And I’ll admit it; that felt good. It wasn’t much, but it did feel nice to reward this hard-working kid who was pleasant and friendly and good at his job, and probably kind of needing every dollar that he makes.

I really do love the idea of charity. You read shit like this (last subhead near the bottom) and you think how awesome it would be to do. I know Naomi felt really good after that, like it did her good to do it as much as it helped the kids who’d attend the school she was going to build.

I’ve heard it said that there’s no such thing as a selfless good deed, because people who do good deeds are ultimately doing them to make themselves feel better, to feel noble, or to alleviate their own uncomfortable feelings about seeing the suffering of others. But I don’t see it that way. That’s too nihilistic. I keep talking about win/win thinking, and this is just one more example of win/win. The recipients of charity win. The giver wins. Everyone is happy.

There’s not really a lesson to this story. I was stingy as all hell for a long time, and I wasn’t going out of my way to over-tip even when the waiter or waitress was really awesome. I wasn’t giving to anyone, so I’m not exactly casting a moral imperative as I write this now.

But if you’re hanging on to each buck, consider that maybe there’s a possibility that you don’t really need to be doing so. Maybe you’re not in the dire straits you think you’re in, deep down.

If that’s the case, then tossing a ten or a twenty into the can when the Salvation Army is out collecting might just do you a world of good.

Something to think about.

 

My partner in crime Lee Stranahan and I will be launching our new course, Question the Rules: The nonconformist’s punk rock, DIY, nuts-and-bolts guide to creating the business and life you really want, starting with what you already have, on Wednesday, April 28.

It’s ridiculously jam-packed: 5 course modules on how to rock your business and life as an entrepreneur who colors outside the lines, and over a dozen interviews with successful rule-breakers whose names you’ll recognize.

If you’re a punk rock entrepreneur (and I know you are), you’ll want to check it out here because we’re offering an immediate free bonus prior to launch day.

 

 

 

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Comments

16 Comments on I’m relaxing my kung-fu grip

  1. Jess on Tue, 23rd Feb 2010 2:00 pm

    2. Unless the server is completely awful (we’re talking strictly service here — kitchen issues are their own beast), I never tip less than 15%. If you’re dining out with kids (who will invariably cover the floor with Cheerios and other assorted items), tipping 20% on good service is expected. Add an extra buck or two on top of that if the kids were noisy or the mess is a little worse than usual.

    You weren’t overpaying for anything by adding a few extra bucks. You were rewarding good service. As someone who waited many tables in her day, I can promise you that guy wouldn’t have done that for free. If you aren’t comfortable paying for service, choose a buffet or eat at home.

    I’m sure a lot of penny pinchers would agree with your old mindset on this. I would like to challenge you to rethink it, not for a “think wealthy thoughts” initiative, but rather from a perspective that remembers every person matters and no one dreams of being a Ruby Tuesdays server when they grow up…

    It’s rarely about the money. However, in that kind of setting, the appropriate way to show thanks for someone taking care of you is by tipping them. In other places, it might be a nice note or a thoughtful call. No matter what, there’s never a bad time to be grateful to others who do nice things for you. Yes, even if it’s just them doing their job… At least they did it…

  2. Kajanova on Tue, 23rd Feb 2010 6:36 pm

    3. If I had the money, I would totally spend some of it on charities. I know everybody says that, but it is true, I would. And it also makes me wonder, when exactly is the tipping point? How much is it that you consider that you are making an ‘excess’ amount of money, that you are willing to give away?

    Well, I think that really depends on how greedy the person in question is… But honestly, if I was making well beyond my means I’d feel selfish not to give a slice of the pie to the less fortunate. Which is why I will never become a millionaire.. I’d give it away before I attain the title. Mostly because I consider myself a good person, but also, there is a little part of me that is superstitious about it. If I was about to become a millionaire, or inherited a butt-load of cash, I would begin to think, “Do I deserve this?” / “Will there be some cosmic consequence if I selfishly keep all of this money?” That in of itself is kind of selfish I guess… but whatever.

  3. Chloe Walker on Tue, 23rd Feb 2010 7:59 pm

    4. On the issue of whether altruism is essentially selfish, studies have suggested that it is not. In fMRI brain scans, the part of the brain that lights up when the subject gives a charity donation is not the ‘reward centre’ at all, but in fact the part of the brain that deals with community and social relationships.

    http://www.boingboing.net/2007/01/23/neuroscience-of-altr.html

  4. Catherine Azzarello on Tue, 23rd Feb 2010 9:05 pm

    5. Johnny…

    Your writing alternately cracks me up and brings tears to my eyes. (In a good way.)

    I’ve been the mother in the front seat with kid and a long day.

    Today, I’m the mother of the kid who served you. (I have a child in food service.)

    Besides the whole charity argument, what you did for that kid was great–not because you put a little more cash in his pocket–but because you appreciated his service. Sure, he can walk away with a lesson in how to get bigger tips, OR he can walk away with a life example of how personal attention (to others/clients) pays off.

    Trust me–he’ll remember.

  5. Archan Mehta on Wed, 24th Feb 2010 2:22 am

    6. Howdy Johnny:

    Man, sometimes I think about my favorite bloggers, such as Ali Hale, Charlie Gilkey, Michael Martine, James C., Jen Smith, Christa, Corbett Barr, and a few others. I really appreciate talented people since I ain’t got any talent myself.

    But there just ain’t nobody out there who cracks me up the way you do, buddy, and I mean it. You have such a delicious sense of humor and comic timing and that makes me smile. Every time I read your post, I just have to burst out laughing. If laughter doesn’t kill me, my mother-in-law’s cooking surely will.

    And you are a good writer too. People can have a good sense of humor and be lousy at writing, but not you. You are truly unique and in a league of your own.

    Oh, and by the way, okay tip people and whatever but don’t make a big deal out of it. When I have shit-loads of cold hard cash like you do, I will be generous too.
    Currently, I am living in a rat-infested hell-hole, but I am sure I will go places once I read more of your blog posts and “take massive action.” Cheers to you.

  6. Jen on Wed, 24th Feb 2010 3:55 am

    7. Love this Johnny! I think the Vanilla Ice bit was my fave! :) Awesome and great message … I think rewarding good work and kindness is cool, I worry about the pennies sometimes too. but like you did, when I let go of that and pay it forward it feels kinda good! :)

    Also thanks for the compliment Archan.. Made my day! :-)

  7. Jen on Wed, 24th Feb 2010 3:56 am

    8. ooh, I do use a lot of smilies don’t I! :)

  8. Johnny on Wed, 24th Feb 2010 5:58 am

    9. Haha, I definitely don’t have loads of cash. Some day I will, and I will rule the world… but not yet.

    Thanks for the props, Archan. I appreciate it.

  9. Ken Montville on Wed, 24th Feb 2010 7:46 am

    10. I guess I should subscribe so I can get in here before all the real fans get their comments in. Not that I don’t like the comments, mind you.

    It’s a bitch when I write something and it’s isn’t as crystal clear to the reading audience as it was in my head when I was writing it. I’ve often found oblique references or subtlety are lost on most people which is way too bad. It means I can’t ever have a dry (or is it wry) sense of humor and be considered a true wit like Oscar Wilde or someone.

    Money is such a sensitive topic with so many people that one needs to be really blunt trying to convey that the accumulation of the paper itself is not the end.

    Having said that, I would suggest that having all that paper (or electrons, as the case may be) enables people to relax a bit and give in to their philanthropic natures. It is the rare, rare, rare person of modest needs who runs around leaving large tips or handing out $100 bills to strangers in the mall (an exercise I actually read about in a “money” book).

    I will concede that handing out money to deserving souls or worthy causes feels good and should be encouraged. It’s just a whole lot easier and more relaxing when, somewhere in the back of you mind, is the knowledge that your generosity isn’t going to cause you to miss the mortgage payment.

  10. Kim Doyal - The WordPress Chick on Wed, 24th Feb 2010 11:43 am

    11. That was hilarious….and SO true about the money! Any parent who reads this will know exactly what that feels like….you’re SO trying to be patient and listen, but inside you’re thinking “Why can’t you stop talking?’……then they hit 13 and do stop talking! :-)

    The kung-fu grip about money really isn’t about money…it’s the ‘not feeling’ like you have nothing, and sometimes a few more dollars in the way of a tip are all it takes (because you KNOW you probably feel even better than the waiter who received it).

    Side note:
    LOVE your posts…..discovered you through the third tribe! The interview with Sonia was awesome. I constantly feel torn between marketing bigger & just being authentic (guess which one works better? duh… :-) )- the interview made me relax about about ‘list building’ and get back to doing what I enjoy!

    SO glad I subscribed!
    Thanks for the morning comic relief & wisdom.

  11. Johnny on Wed, 24th Feb 2010 5:12 pm

    12. @Ken – Man, I can soooo relate. It’s a strange thing I do… both seeing that money isn’t always the end, yet wanting so badly to accumulate it because I’ve just ended several terrifying years of scarcity.

    @Kim – Thanks so much! Sonia got a good conversation out of me. That’s one of my faves so far, I think, and luckily it’s also the most visible.

  12. Sami Paju on Thu, 25th Feb 2010 7:13 am

    13. Holy shit! I never realized that tipping involves such tedious mental gymnastics. Lucky me for living in a country where tipping is not customary.

    //sami

  13. Debra on Thu, 25th Feb 2010 1:43 pm

    14. I agree, a lot of tumbling went on with that extra tip deal. Many of us do it, tumble around in our heads when we give out our money. I wonder what would happen if it were a couple of hundred or even five hundred given to a cause your in support of. Give that a try and let’s hear about that. Because you sure can write and give us all a good look ourselves. Thanks for rolling it out like it is for you, many of us relate and need to laugh at ourselves once in a while.

  14. Johnny on Thu, 25th Feb 2010 1:50 pm

    15. I did give $20 to the Cub Scouts who were collecting recently. For me, on impulse, that’s big. I’m trying to change the fact that I consider $20 “big,” believe me.

  15. Lorrie on Mon, 1st Mar 2010 6:44 pm

    16. It can be so hard to change the way you feel about money. Especially if you have had way less than you need for way too long. That will fuck you up for a good long while. I find sometimes that when I suddenly have some after a long drought I actually have a worse time managing it because stupid mental/emotional trolls start rearing their ugly heads.
    I used to always donate all my stuff to the goodwill or some local thrift shop when I would do my spring cleaning but after living in a shelter a few years ago I make sure to drive the extra miles to drop off good stuff at a shelter that gets way fewer donations than the local Value Village and doesn’t make a buck off of it. Time is just as valuable as money to give.
    I think you’re heading in the right direction Johnny and doing just fine.

  16. Johnny on Sun, 7th Mar 2010 9:35 am

    17. I’ll get there. It’s hard to get out of the hoarding mentality… I’ll spend, but when I’m giving up voluntarily, it’s still hard to not think, “But I could just keep this. In case.”

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