Introducing a ridiculously simple guide to turning your online business from tech headache to profit center

You want to do business online but are a bit intimidated by all you have to know in order to do it, right?

You know you could knock one out of the park if you could just get past the technical how-to, right?

In fact, you JUST LEARNED how to discomboble your supercilious momenometer or whatever it was, and that took forever, and you pulled out like all of your hair and now you’re bald and are going to have to paint your head with football team colors and pretend that you’re bald ON PURPOSE to save face… and now you hear that you need to back up and establish your flux capacitor or something or your whole venture is never going to do a damn thing and you don’t have any hair left to deal with this and it’s giving you fits and you just want to START YOUR BUSINESS already but this crap keeps getting in the way and AAAAH AAAAAH AAAAAAH SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!

… right?

Okay, deep breath.

I get it. I totally get it.

Technology can suck. It can make you bald. And if you were already bald, it can make you old. And if you’re already old and bald, it can make your genitals fall off. You think I’m making that up, but do you know what the floor of Silicon Valley is lined with? Genitals. Really.*

It’s a conundrum. If you’re like a lot of people, you have this great idea, but you simply don’t know where to start. And the thing is, you know you could do it if you could just get the technology out of the way. Maybe you read IttyBiz and you think, “Hell, I’m totally an IttyBiz. I resonate with this bald woman. She must have had some serious technology headaches to be so bald, but she went through the tunnel and came out the other side unscathed and is now kicking ass and taking names and I CAN TOTALLY DO IT TOO.”

If only someone could just take you through the technology, step by step. Like sit next to you and tell you exactly what to do and when to do it.

Maybe you’re overwhelmed.

Maybe you’re frustrated.

Maybe you’ve done some stuff and don’t know how to do the rest of the stuff, and you’re just plain stuck.

I can totally help you.

I can’t literally sit down next to you, but I can do the next best thing. I can walk through all of the steps for you, while you watch my screen in over thirty videos. I can give you the finer points in text and tutorials. I can give you my best tips “face to face” through video, and I can point you to every resource you’re likely to need, including articles, audios, and experts. There’s no guesswork. You provide the idea and the drive, and I’ll provide the know-how. Follow what I do and you’ll be set up in no time.

You’ll see EXACTLY how to set up a website. EXACTLY how to use an emailing service, and how to create forms and use them to add people to your list. EXACTLY how to set yourself up to sell stuff online.

Even shopping carts and credit card processors don’t have to be hard. Once you have a website and a product, most people can be up and selling an e-book, a widget, or a service (like phone therapy sessions for hamsters) in like fifteen minutes.

No kidding.

Most people who have a website can start collecting email addresses in a professionally managed list in about a half hour. And once it’s set up, you could be sending email to those people in minutes.

No kidding.

I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how skilled or unskilled you think you are. If you were able to find this post, then you can set up a website by yourself. If you’re able to use Facebook or Twitter or even your own email, then you can set up a basic shopping cart by yourself. You can create an affiliate program so that people will be able to help you sell your stuff. You can do email marketing. You can backup your database, create email addresses, add forms and buy links and set up autoresponders and generally KICK THE CRAP out of internet technology and make it cry.

Those tech headaches? Gone. Everything you need to start making phat cash and bathing in giant piles of money? Totally there. (NOTE: Rapper-grade heaps of cash and possible hot rap groupies not guaranteed.)

You can nail this stuff even if you don’t consider yourself to be a technical person. You — yes, YOU — can go from zero to business in just a week.

Today you have nothing. A week from today, you’re set up. I’m not kidding.

Look, I don’t hype. Anyone who’s been following me or reading me knows I’m a straight shooter. If this course — which just so happens to be called Zero to Business: A ridiculously simple guide to turning your online business from tech headache to profit center were only moderately useful, I’d tell you (in a way that still made me look awesome, of course), and I’d sell it for a low price because you could expect low benefit. But this is not a so-so course. This will show you every. Single. Step. Anyone can rock it. Even my grandmothers could nail it.

You start today with nothing. Maybe a week from now, you have a fab website with plenty of pizazz, an email list that people can join and that you can easily mail to; you have your products for sale and have the links on your website; you can accept credit cards for goods or services or downloads; your site is backed up in case of crash and you have customized email addresses; you have affiliates out selling your stuff for you and are an affiliate for others, able to make cash today; you’re networking like a bastard and tweaking for search engines… the list goes on.

A week from now, your friend Mabel could come up to you and say, “I thought you didn’t know how to do this stuff?”

And you’ll be like, “I went from zero to business in no time, with no intimidation, Mabel. I kicked the internet in the gut. I made it dance and cry and call me Shirley.”

And Mabel will be like, “What, that course by Johnny B. Truant? He’s sexy!”

And you’ll be like, “You said it, Mabel, even if I’m a heterosexual man — which I may or may not be.”

You. Online. Doing business, doing your thing… and technological hurdles be damned.

Here’s what I have for you, step-by-step, through videos and tutorials:

• How to set up hosting and a domain name, and launch a website/blog.
• How to add themes, plugins, content, widgets, and more to your site to make it do what you want it to.
• How to make your blog more like a normal website than a blog, if you’d like.
• How to add videos and images to your pages.
• How to create email addresses and forwarders.
• How to back up your database and site files (to save you BIG TIME!)
• How to add multiple websites and domains so that you can have tons of crap going on if you choose to.
• How to setup an email marketing service and configure new lists.
• How to add subscribers manually and through forms.
• How to send text and HTML email messages to your list.
• How to use email autoresponders.
• How to add products, categories, and product links in two separate e-commerce software packages.
• How to set up affiliate programs (both general and product-specific) so others can sell your stuff for you.
• How to use autoresponders to upsell your prospects on more stuff down the road.
• How to become someone else’s affiliate to make money NOW.
• My two tips to being a kickass affiliate for someone, and actually making sales… the tips that have made me thousands.
• How to set up and use Twitter.
• And a bunch more!

This course is chock full of content. I mean, I ran through SO MUCH coffee in making it. It’s like bursting at the seams. Many hours of videos, and who knows how many words of text — many of which are hilarious. (Some of which are not, though. “Autoresponder” is not hilarious.)

So, you ask. What does it cost?

Well, I figured out the other day that if I were to sit down and teach this to someone who didn’t have any questions and who took spectacular notes the first time through, it’d cost at least $1200 at my normal consulting rate. Probably more.

So? What does it cost, already?

Okay, okay. It’s only $297.

For like $1200+ of instruction. Or far more if you had someone do it for you.

And you’re getting it for $297? You son of a bitch.

.

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FAQ

Q: Johnny, will you provide support throughout this course?
A: If you mean “Will I hold your boobs up,” like the kind of support a Wonderbra gives you, then that will totally depend on who you are. If you mean, “Will I answer questions,” the answer is a qualified YES. The course is contained in a secure blog, so you can ask questions by posting them to pages on the blog. If you keep them simple, I’ll totally answer them, same as I do for any entry on my blog. If your question requires more depth, we can always work out a consulting relationship.

Q: Johnny, is this course appropriate for my grandmother?
A: Is your grandmother offended by profanity, questionable humor, zombies, or Father Guido Sarducci? If not, then yeah, totally. (Actually, a good guide is: If you like the tone of my blog, you’ll like the tone of the course.)

Q: Johnny, did this course used to be called “Make the Internet Your Bitch,” or am I an idiot?
A: Possibly both, but certainly the former. I’m smart about a lot of things, but positioning isn’t always one of them. I thought “Make the Internet Your Bitch” was a hilarious name, but hilarity doesn’t pacify the people who are reluctant to tell their friends about this cool new course with “bitch” in the title. I also kind of got tired of people not wanting to link to the course in posts or other relevant material because of the name. So I folded and sacrificed somewhat offensive humor for wider appeal and “referability.”

Q: Johnny, is this a strategy course?
A: It’s a how-to course that includes whatever strategy arises. It’s very nuts-and-bolts, with a lot of step-by-step how-to. (Although there’s actually a good chunk of strategy in the affiliate section, come to think of it.)

Q: Johnny, will this course make me rich?
A: Absolutely not. In fact, why don’t you head over and read my post on Copyblogger about this exactly? I’ll wait.

ALL courses are tools, and this one is no exception. NO course will ever make you rich, and if a marketer promises that his will, he or she is shady or on crack. Your idea, your passion, your work ethic, and your balls (even if you have no literal balls) will determine your success or failure. Education and courses help you, but none are a magic bullet. If you think this course will make you rich, do not buy it. Seriously. There is no free lunch, and I only want students who understand that and are willing to work hard.

Q: Johnny, isn’t it a strange coincidence that all of these questions start with “Johnny”?
A: Yes. Hmm. Suspicious.

Q: Johnny, are these actually frequently asked questions?
A: Come to think of it, I’ve never been asked even one of these questions.

Q: Johnny, do you say “FAQ” as a word, or do you say, “F-A-Q” and spell it out?
A: I say “FAQ,” and I pronounce it like “Shaq.”

Q: Johnny, are you actually Shaq?
A: Yes. Totally.

*Not really.