I have no point, but I may or may not be funny sometimes regardless of what that guy with the lazy eye says, and also, where’s my taco?

I talked to my sister the other day and she was all yelling at me and screaming and throwing waffle irons and televisions and poodles and shit* because I haven’t been funny enough of late. And I was like, “Hey! Put down Fi-Fi. Did I not write about my internet lottery winnings? Did I not write about how I punish Austin by making him run around the house with a sheet over his head? Have I not, even in the midst of talking about something typically non-funny, regularly used the phrase, ‘…punch Ashton Kutcher repeatedly in the face?’

She put down the poodle that she was brandishing. She had to agree. My reasoning was sound, and also, she was mistakenly subscribed to the mailing list I use to send out technology tips and sometimes my thoughts about various English puddings.

See, the truth is that I have been funny; it’s just been joined by a fair amount of businessy stuff in the past few months. The reason? Well, “pure funny” is great, and I eventually would like to move into it. The problem is that nobody pays me to do it.

Allow me to go off on a tangent at this point.

Here’s the thing. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a spiritual guy. I believe that all things happen for a reason, that we get what we attract, and that there is an intelligence out there in the universe that is better at Dance Dance Revolution than Lee Iacoca and Wilford Brimley put together. Sometimes I meditate. I believe in Karma, and I feel that we forge our own realities. I believe a lot of things.

Now, what I’m about to say may be a little bit too New Age and woo-woo for some of you, but something has changed in my life recently. I came to a turning point recently when I realized that all major spiritual teachings agree that nothing is more noble in a person’s life than to amass enough hundred dollar bills to make it possible to build a sizable fort. Jesus taught it, Buddha taught it, and whoever that blue Indian guy is with like ten arms taught it. It’s a universal law, and if you don’t abide by it, then when you die, most religions agree that you’ll have to wrestle Deepak Chopra in the Octagon for all eternity.

It’s like those old expressions say: “Money can buy happiness,” and, “Money is the root of all evil, with evil being equal to ‘awesome squared.’ ”

So with this in mind, I downloaded a few well-known photos of Ghandi riding in a Hummer with half-naked groupies and pasted them on my Wall of Inspiration.

“Oh all-knowing Ghandi, who was the majority stockholder of TCBY back in the days of M.C. Hammer’s stupid gigantic parachute pants,” I prayed, “guide me to the source of all unnecessary riches so that I may bathe in liquid gold, but be not burned due to my solid gold fire-retardant suit, made of the most malleable and durable gold which retards beyond the normal scope of retardation, to the point of retarded absurdity, and so that I may use diamonds to clean the grout around my bathtub, and not just shitty diamonds either, like the ones sold by that guy down at the bus station with the lazy eye and the box of Captain Crunch, you know the guy I mean, I think his name’s Hank? With the lupus? By the way, whatever happened to Roy Scheider? Is he still alive? I liked him in Jaws with Richard Dreyfuss, I mean, not that I liked him with Richard Dreyfuss, just that the movie starred both of them and Roy Scheider was pretty good in it, and also that chick got naked at the very beginning before getting eaten? Anyway, help a brother out. Amen.”

See, things happen when you find a way to align your talents with the pursuit of stupid amounts of wealth. And I’m getting there too, having already achieved the status of “somewhat less poor.” I did this by finding a way to be funny while also being something that people would pay for.

That’s the reason for all of the businessy stuff.

Also, by my very nature, I’m kind of all over the place. I asked you all a while back if you thought that I could manage to be the amusing online business guy, and not many people responded so I figured we were good to go. And also, nobody was actually paying attention.

So I ask again… can I be the somewhat entertaining guy who also teaches online technology? Can I be Learn To Be Your Own V.A. Johnny and chronicle my adventures here, on this blog, in between stories about how my college roommates used to electrocute pickles? Can I talk about my kids one day and about chickens the next day and about things like National Get Off Your Ass Month the next day?

Can I, in essence, be totally random, unfocused, and without direction? Can I be freed of all responsibility for linearity and sense?

I mean, this blog is already kind of that. I do shit like talk about how the news sucks and then talk about fighting turkeys. I just don’t know if it “works” in a universal sense. Can I inspire people and make them think I’m deranged?

It’s kind of a mess, I agree. Hell, I don’t know what I’m doing here. Who do you think I am, Ghandi?

* NOTE: “Yelling at me and screaming and throwing waffle irons and poodles and shit” may actually have been one polite email. I can’t remember.


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WHAT DEFINES YOU?

Comments

  1. Pace says:
  2. Pace says:

    Aww! It didn’t embed. Let me try a link, then.

    My mental image of Johnny

  3. Jenny Ryan says:

    “Can I inspire people and make them think I’m deranged?”

    ABSOLUTELY! That’s actually my personal goal in life, only instead of “deranged”, I like to refer to it as “quirky” or “eccentric” :P

  4. Don’t worry I too am forever ostracized because I read everything from “The Secret” to books on quantum physics, “The Power of Now” to everything written by Mr. Chopra. You are well on your path, Grasshopper!
    In answer to your question; it’s your blog, do what you want. Some people will like it, some will not. Some will sit on the fence before falling to either side. If they abandon you because they are not entertained on a particular day; then it doesn’t really affect you either way.
    My stepfather used to come home; he’d put a waffle iron, a TV, and a poodle on the kitchen table, and he’d say, “pick one!”
    I always picked the poodle. “Why?” you ask, “because fuck him, that’s why!”
    So do what you were meant to do brother! Oh, and if you end up in the great UFC cage in the sky; I happen to know that Deepak Chopra is shockingly susceptible to the ‘rear naked choke!’

  5. Potsdamer Platz says:

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Roy Schneider passed away. He died about a year and a half ago. This would explain why you haven’t seen him around lately…

  6. Johnny B. Truant says:

    Okay, I’m disappointed that the Ghandi photo didn’t show the loin cloth thing, but whatever.

    And Jenny? I totally don’t remember writing that. I had to look… did I say I was deranged? Hmm. I hear it’s an early symptom of derangement.

  7. Johnny B. Truant says:

    Oh, BTW… image of Deepak i the rear naked choke? Do not want.

    RIP Roy Scheider. I think we need a bigger boat.

  8. Scott says:

    Good thing you tagged this ‘Taco fishing’, Johnny. Otherwise I never would have found it.

  9. Jeb says:

    Sucks about Roy, Jaws’ great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchild musta did him in. That’s a long time to hold a grudge.

    JBT, I’ve been known to start a few different blogs/sites, all w/ different purposes, loads of confidence and commitment in tow. And what I’ve found is that it just works better to mash ‘em all together. I’m much more consistent in pursuing all roads from one direction than from many, and I think anyone interested in what I have to day will welcome the variety.

    That’s my theory. Carry on…

  10. kathcom says:

    Yes, Roy Scheider is dead. Everybody dies but some don’t die fast enough for my liking. How can I parlay that into a lucrative Web-based career?

    I like the idea of wrestling Deepak Chopra but could we move it to Thunderdome, please? I’ve got “Two men enter, one man leaves” stuck in my head.

  11. Genevieve says:

    Uh, yeah, you win at being the inspiring guy who I also think is deranged.

    Extra bonus points to you for being the only person in the last six months to say something so cool that I had to print it out and put it on my wall to inspire me to kick ass. It’s your quotes about money. Trees everywhere are thanking you for your part in deforestation. All part of being the awesome I guess.

  12. Tatty Franey says:

    hey johnny, this is your blog, so be whatever you want! i am loving the mix of subjects you have going on at the moment.
    also, you have enlightened me:
    I came to a turning point recently when I realized that all major spiritual teachings agree that nothing is more noble in a person’s life than to amass enough hundred dollar bills to make it possible to build a sizable fort. Jesus taught it, Buddha taught it, and whoever that blue Indian guy is with like ten arms taught it. It’s a universal law, and if you don’t abide by it, then when you die, most religions agree that you’ll have to wrestle Deepak Chopra in the Octagon for all eternity.

    now i see the light, brother. thanks!

  13. Sharon says:

    I’m pretty sure you are deranged, so not sure you’ll need to spend much time wondering if you can convince people. :)

    Inspiring? OMG….Absolutely!

    I just realized as I finished reading your blog, that I never read to the very end of blogs. Except yours. Twice in a row. Love your deranged inspiration. Don’t change a thing!

  14. Johnny B. Truant says:

    Awesome that you all like the direction I’m going. I choose to believe that this means universal acceptance rather than the almost-certain truth, which is that everybody who doesn’t like it has already left.

    I’d also like to point out that when I scanned this article just now, I read my own initiative as “Get Your Ass Out Of Your Mouth.”

  15. Mike Drips says:

    The existence of a sister means that your parents had MORE children AFTER you?

    Was that intentional or was it just the result of a blizzard and a bottle of Jack Daniels?

  16. Johnny B. Truant says:

    Technically, “stepsister.” I also have a stepbrother. So no, your intuition was right.

    Been back to the gym yet?

  17. No one really knows what they’re doing. Those who seem to are just pretending :D

    So go for it!

  18. Tamra says:

    Yes

  19. Jim w says:

    Go random! variety rules.