I’m developed like film, yo

Life has been frustrating lately. You’ll know that if you read my rant. (And by “you,” I also mean my closest friends and family, because I apparently forgot that this blog auto-posts to my personal Facebook profile. Nothing like all of your buddies knowing your darkest financial secrets.)

But things could be a lot worse than “frustrating.” The definition of “frustration” that I’m using here is wanting something that hasn’t happened yet. YET. That implies that it’s coming, but it’s taking its sweet-ass time. Probably checking the coin slots of vending machines for loose change and playing Rack-O with my grandmother, who I call “D.D.” Which is actually pretty cool of it, because D.D. is a hell of a lot of fun and I’m not able to get out to California to play Rack-O with her as much as I’d like.

But yeah, remember that “yet.” And you may have a “yet” too, if you’re feeling frustrated. It’s good to keep that in mind.

Honestly, this is a pretty cool time for me. Because of the impending “yet.”

I’ve got the whole IttyBiz thing going on (there will be a second post and video posted over there later today, by the way — check that out fo sho), and I’ll be chatting this afternoon with someone else (I don’t know if I’m allowed to mention who) that I’m very excited about meeting. And I’ve got this group of informal mentors who keep advising me to do things that, so far, have not resulted in bodily harm. It’s pretty cool.

It’s as if I was lying in pieces somewhere and this team of people came up and started kicking at me thoughtfully, and then they were all like, “We can rebuild him. We have the technology” and so then they used internet ninja superpowers to turn me into Steve Austin and now every time I go anywhere, I make this loud sound effect that’s like B-B-B-B-B-B-BWAAAAAAAAA or something, except when you hear it in your head, think robot rather than sheep, even though the line between the two is a thin one.

So, during all of this, I approached Tim Brownson because when you’re frustrated and feeling like the Six Million Dollar Man, it’s best to seek out an English guy. As a bonus, it turns out that Tim is a life coach. Seemingly a pretty good one.

“Tim,” I wrote. “I’m feeling really bogged down lately. I have a thousand things to do, I’m mad, I’m frustrated, sometimes I’m scared, and I think you’re the guy to help me. Let’s talk regularly for long periods of time and you can help me solve some of my challenges. Oh, except that I don’t want to pay you.”

And he was like, “Did you actually write that to me, or are you just making it up as you write this blog post?”

And I was like, “I’m totally just making it up right now. It frees me from having to be accurate. I can even make you say ‘poppycock’ if I want to. I’m that powerful.”

And he was like, “I never say ‘poppycock.’ ”

And I was like, “HAHAHAHAHAHA FUCKER.”

Honestly, though, we worked this thing out where I’m going to write a bit about what we’re doing and he’s going to help me get a little bit of perspective and maybe reprogram some of the bad connections I’ve made in my head. I don’t have a lot to say about it yet because we’ve just started, but I will say I’m excited. I like being coached. I believe in it.

I have some homework to do for Tim today. It’s a bit of values work. I’m supposed to indicate some of my core values (things I want), which are absolutely going to include “freedom” and “peace.” Then I’m supposed to pick some of my “away” values (things I don’t want), which are things like “couscous” and “Paula Abdul.”

“Tim,” I said. “I have a million things to do, and you’re giving me homework. I don’t have time to do all of this.”

And he’s like, “It’s not true that you don’t have the time. Anything you think you don’t have the time for, you’re choosing not to make a priority.”

And I’m like, “Don’t make me make you say ‘poppycock’ again.”

But I’ll make it a priority. It’s not really going to take me long to do, and it’s totally going to be worth it because I need the clarity like Jewel needs new teeth.

So, see? It’s already working.

Honestly, I’m really into self-development stuff. I’ve listened to a billion motivational speakers’ programs. I’ve done quite a bit with the Sedona Method, which I wholeheartedly recommend because it’s a great on-the-spot method of quickly getting rid of negative emotion NOW, right in the moment. I even saw Tony Robbins live, and was surprised to find out that Tony swears now. It’s strange. You see that giant head and those giant teeth and you think it’s going to be like getting cheerleading lessons from a 7-foot Boy Scout (do I smell a chance to say WEBELOS again?), but then he says “shit” and you’re like, “Did Tony Robbins just say ‘shit?’ ” and then maybe if you’re shrewd, you realize that Tony is doing one of those “pattern interrupt” things to jar you out of your preconceptions, and then you start to realize that anything goes in a pattern interrupt situation and you maybe get a little scared, and then you’re like, “Did Tony Robbins just say, ‘Eat babies?’ ” and the person next to you says, “No, he said, ‘Who’s from Chicago?’ ” but you’re freaked out enough that you’re like B-B-B-B-B-B-BWAAAAAAAAA time to see who’s in Conference Room B.

Next up: I bought one of those Bluetooth headsets for my cell phone because I want to use my cell as my main office phone, and I suspect that I look like a douchebag when I’m wearing it. I’ll be talking to Tim on Tuesday. I really need to ask about that.

P.S: This guy started following me on Twitter just after I posted my Douchebag Marketing post. What does it mean, universe?