Christmas is gay
NOTE: I wrote this post last Christmas season. But since it’s funny and offensive and most of you have never seen it before, I’m running it again.
I was on a forum the other day when someone brought up the inconvenient hypothesis that saying, “That’s gay” might be offensive to gay people.
Typically, I’m a nonconfrontational offender. When I’m alone, I tend to think, “If someone is offended, that’s their problem.” It’s the same philosophy I use when eating meat. I love meat, but I have to pretend it wasn’t at one time frolicking in nature. I’ll let others kill for me, but if the apocalypse came tomorrow and I was suddenly required to kill my own food, I’d become a vegetarian. Same with offense. Once I can put a face together with someone being actually hurt, I often will pussy out and stop. Damn idiotic compassion. Knew I should stop following the Dalai Lama.
“There are worse things,” said my gay friend Nick when I asked his opinion, “but in a perfect world, I kind of wish that expression would just go away.”
Dammit. He was being cool about it, but the handwriting was on the wall. At heart, it bothered him.
He then added that his cousin keeps telling him how gay he is. She’s not doing it on purpose, either.
“She just can’t figure it out,” Nick told me. “Bless her poor, stupid heart.”
You’re probably wondering why I’m sweating any of this, but what you don’t know is that the gay arrow is among the largest and most powerful in my quiver. American Idol is gay, High School Musical is gay, Dancing with the Stars is gay, and the new Ronald McDonald is gay squared. There is no synonym to the way I use “gay.” “Lame” doesn’t cut it. “Dumb” doesn’t cut it. There is a certain particular species of lame/dumb to all of those things that implies that not only do they suck, but that they do so in a Bettie Boop wig, tap-dancing around with their penises tucked back between their legs.
“What if I’m not meaning for it to imply homosexuality in any way?” I begged. “What if it’s just a homonym that is actually an entirely different word, like ‘road’ and ‘rode?’ ”
“But it’s g-a-y, right?” Nick asked.
“A homonym that’s spelled the same way, then. Or maybe it could be g-h-e-y.”
“Look,” he told me, “use it if you want, seriously. Like I said, it’s not a big deal to me. But it will offend some gays, yes.”
Great. That’s like one of my black friends saying, “Well… I guess you could somehow justify referring to that hairstyle as ‘niggery.’ “
I sighed. “Times really do change. It’s funny – it was only 35 years ago that Carly Simon was able to score a major hit with, ‘You’re So Gay.’ “
“I don’t think that’s right,” he said.
“Well, between thirty and forty years, anyway,” I said.
Honestly, I think it’s all kind of unfair. Homosexuals annexed that word without notice. Overnight, it went from referring to a state of happiness and joy to one of wanting to have sex with dudes. Like, Liberace was always so bubbly and happy. In days past, you could have said he was gay. But then all of that changed.
And all of this at the gayest time of year. Revelers are gay. Tidings are gay. Hell, it’s December 6th, so thirty or forty years back, this was all one big gay season. “How are you today, Ted?” a man would ask his neighbor. “Very gay, thank you!” the other would reply. “I’ve never been so gay, in fact! And you, Roger – you’re also looking mightily gay. How’s the family? Gay, I imagine?”
As for us, we put up our Christmas tree today. While we were doing it, I made a point to think about how gay it was. I figured Nick wouldn’t mind. The true holiday spirit is one of universal gayness. This is the time of year that we can all be gay together as a people. We decorated; we hung tinsel; we listened to old music. If we wanted, we could even have roasted nuts over the fire.
I’m working on making peace with all of it. And Nick? He’s happy I’m trying.
“You should be my ambassador to the gay community,” I told him in the spirit of the gay holiday. “You know, help me sell some of my books across the rainbow border.”
“The cover art may need to change if you want me to do that,” he said, having seen the dog I placed on the cover of May Contain Nuts. “As it stands, your title implies an expectation that the book does not meet.”
I thought that was a funny thing to say, so I laughed and reveled in my holiday spirit of infinite gayness toward all mankind. I guess I can live without saying “that’s gay,” though I will indeed miss it. Perhaps I can find something less offensive, more universal.
But really, when you think about it, the whole situation is pretty retarded.
Comments
12 Comments on Christmas is gay
-
Fabian on
Tue, 22nd Dec 2009 1:51 pm
-
David Spinks on
Mon, 28th Dec 2009 4:22 pm
-
Johnny on
Mon, 28th Dec 2009 9:42 pm
-
Gib Wallis on
Sat, 2nd Jan 2010 1:17 am
-
lorrie on
Sun, 10th Jan 2010 7:06 pm
-
Johnny on
Sun, 10th Jan 2010 7:20 pm
-
Rachel Mathews on
Tue, 2nd Feb 2010 6:42 am
-
Scribe SEO Review - SEO copywriting just got easier | Johnny B. Truant on
Thu, 25th Feb 2010 3:22 pm
-
A Simple Truth « Intelligent Scribblings from an INTJ on
Thu, 11th Mar 2010 5:12 pm
-
G @ Operation Backpack Asia.com on
Thu, 18th Mar 2010 10:41 am
-
Johnny on
Thu, 18th Mar 2010 10:28 pm
-
Tim on
Fri, 23rd Jul 2010 5:00 am
Language is a big ugly trap, so you better make fun of it and don’t care too much. Ask a spaniard wanting to “take the bus” (coger el bus) in Latin America, and people laughing at him because of his apparent horniness towards public transport…
On a related note, after seeing you being gay with a Christmas tree, I’d really like some visuals on “niggery” hair, just to get the idea…
Like many other things in my life, I base my judgements on what South Park tells me is okay. I believe a recent episode of south park summed up this situation pretty well.
Found an article discussing it: http://www.queersighted.com/2009/11/10/south-park-asks-whats-a-fag/
David
That’s hilarious. I still try not to do it, but there is SO a difference in meaning!
Somehow, I was expecting this post to have a punch line where I’d go, “Wow, that’s funny and offensive! I’m ashamed of myself for laughing.”
Alas, no such luck.
End the post at the self-realization with the hair comment and this would be much more fun to read.
Cartman rocks my world.
Johnny, when are you going to put a ‘share’ button on your damn posts?
Duh, sorry about that. I’ve added it to this and the archive… thanks!
Start a gay revolution – turn it back to meaning something good again! Say that’s so gay to mean cool.
If it’s any consolation my gay friends & I say that’s so hetro – which isn’t a compliment…. ;o)
[...] feels pointless because I blog about nothing that anyone would ever search for. When I wrote “Christmas is Gay,” for instance, I wrote it because the idea seemed funny to me, not because I expected people [...]
[...] as simple as choosing “retarded” over “gay” can make all the difference in the world. Imagine how you’d feel if someone were to say [...]
I’m with your friend Nick (thanks, ResLife training and general populace sensitivity), but still have to occasionally curtail the phrase from exiting my mouth, so I know where you’re comin from. And I don’t know what Gib was talking about above; the last line made me laugh out loud, unexpectedly.
And now I’m wondering if that makes me a bad person.
Meh, just a tiny bit bad. A tiny bit.
That last line is genius.
Bring on the on the equivalent “Easter is retarded” post!
Tell me what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!
