You don’t want to make money online
This is a guest post by Drew Kime of Cook Like Your Grandmother. It’s probably time I had a post from Drew because not only does he constantly snipe dry wit at me, but I also keep mentioning him various places as an example of someone who isn’t simply selling into the self-perpetuating internet marketing arena. I’ll be like, “Well, what if you wanted to be an affiliate for… um… not internet marketing information but… um… I don’t know… cookware?” And then I’ll remember that I actually know a guy who that would work for, which reduces the amount that I look like a bullshiter. Slightly.
Anyway, enjoy this post. It’s a good one.
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The third-grade teacher asks the class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” She gets the standard answers: cowboy, princess, firefighter, doctor. But Billy says, “I want to be rich.” Everyone laughs, then the teacher asks, “But what do you want to do?” Billy answers, “I want to make lots of money.”
Fast-forward about twenty years. Who from that class do you think has the highest net worth?
Gut check
Right now, you’re either thinking, “Yeah, that sounds like me,” or “Sure he’s rich, but I’ll bet he’s a shallow, self-important prick.” But aren’t you reading online marketing blogs because you want to be rich now? Why is it wrong for a 9-year-old to want to be rich, but okay for an adult? When did money as a primary goal become acceptable?
Those aren’t abstract philosophical questions. You really need to answer them for yourself to understand what you’re willing to do. Because unless you really, deep down, believe in putting the money first, you must be putting something else first.
Do you know what that “something else” is?
Online marketing … of what?
Look at all the courses that teach you how to do AdWords campaigns. How to identify niche markets and exploit them. How to optimize your landing pages to convert the long-tail keywords. PPC arbitrage … Affiliate marketing … ClickBank … Yeah, I speak marketing. I also know what all that stuff means and how to do it. But I don’t want to. It’s soul-crushing boredom.
I might discover there’s an untapped market for wombat grooming. Do some research and write an ebook. Start an AdWords campaign and start selling like crazy. Woo-hoo! But I really don’t give a shit about wombats, no matter how many rich people there are looking for a book on cleaning them.
If I want to spend all day doing work that I don’t care about, I’ll just stick with a job. You know, let someone else figure out the business plan, do what I’m told for eight to nine hours a day, and do what I want nights and weekends.
Money makes anything interesting, right?
Lots of jobs pay well not because they’re hard, but because they’re distasteful. Ask Mike Rowe, the Dirty Jobs guy. Or check this list of 10 High Paying Dirty Jobs. Number 1 on the list? Crime scene cleaner: “With a little experience under your belt and flexibility with your work hours, you can easily make about $75,000 a year with this job.”
So there are jobs out there that you could apply for today and start making a decent living. But you won’t apply for them, because you aren’t interested in the work. So why do you think pay-per-click arbitrage is going to do it for you? The money? Look at that list of dirty jobs again. Still think it’s all about the money?
Self-employed, but still just a job
The mythical salesman who can sell ice cubes to Eskimos, do you think that’s because he likes ice cubes? Or is it because he likes closing the sale? It’s the rush and the money. And if you’re doing it online instead of face-to-face, you don’t even get the rush.
What you get is research, analysis, number crunching and, if you do it all really really well: money. Are you okay with that, or does that sound like a “job”?
Follow most online marketing advice and you know to follow the data. It’s easier to find the desire than to create the desire, so it’s more profitable to sell to an under-served market than to create a whole new market. It’s not about what you want to sell, it’s about what they want to buy. To make big money online, you can’t focus on what interests you.
That’s the forumula for success I keep seeing. Ignore my own interests. Sell what other people want. Build the sites other people want. Discuss the products other people want. Study hard, work harder, and after about a year you, too could make $111.
Screw that
If you have interests other than money, there are plenty of free resources to show you how to effectively sell what you’ve got. And you’ll care about it because you’re learning how to more effectively talk about what interests you.
Unless … well … are you the exception? Are you the one who, back at the start of this article, thought, “Yeah, I was just like little Billy”? Then you probably could sell the wombat grooming book, and smile all the way to the bank. If that’s you, I’ve got a couple of cook books that could use some good affiliates.
Drew Kime teaches people how to cook like Grandma at How To Cook Like Your Grandmother. He has published the book of the same name, and Starting From Scratch: The Owner’s Manual for Your Kitchen.
I am Johnny’s bloody fist
The following is a guest post by Nathan Hangen, who I’ve gotten to know on Twitter. He writes some good shit for some of the same sites I write for, and he offered to write some good shit for me, and so I said, “Hell yeah, dude.”
I’m trying out the guest post thing on this site recently – one from Tim Brownson a while back, this one, and two more in the hopper. It’s strange for me to have folks writing on a blog that is about me more than it’s about any topic, but this is a very cool post and fits the tone here, and it’s also kind of about me, and pulls a reference from Fight Club, which I wrote about two posts ago.
He also wrote this a few weeks ago and because I’m incredibly organized, I’m not getting to it until now, so the time references that are off are my fault. Please FedEx tomatoes and I will throw them at myself.
Dig on it.
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Johnny B. Truant is a man on a mission. He’s on fire and literally kicking the shit out of life right now.
I just logged in to the Third Tribe today and there he is…front and center…taunting me with his excellence.
He’s over at Ittybiz, Copyblogger, Problogger, and a thousand other places it seems. There’s really not a spot I can turn to where he isn’t glaring at me…laughing his ass off.
Just when I was Comfortable
It’s not that I have a problem with Johnny being awesome; it’s that now that he’s stepped up his game, I have to step up mine. It’s like a game of chess…the minute you let up is the minute that a 15 year old kid comes and beats your ass.
If he’s the Verizon guy bragging about his awesome 3G network, then I’m a shabby Luke Wilson trying to pimp a shitty network, all while making really lame jokes.
If You Can’t Beat ‘Em…Join ‘Em
So, while I’m all about expanding the pie (thanks, Chris Guillebeau), I’m also pretty darn competitive, which comes in handy when trying to stand out in a crowded blogosphere. Because of that, I like to keep my eye on the growth of other bloggers in order to give me a little extra motivation.
The problem is that Johnny has raised his game too far, and now, my normal lazy tactics don’t work as well as they used to.
As a result, I’ve decided that it might be a better idea to learn from this guy than to compete against him.
3 Steps to Kicking the Blogosphere’s Ass
1. BE DIFFERENT.
Johnny is smart enough to know that there are dozens of already successful bloggers talking about how to blog for cash. Instead of jumping in those shark-infested waters, he decided to tweak a bit and talk mainly about what he calls “personality branding,” which apparently means finding a way to make money by being “the best YOU that you can be.” What I like about this is that not only are there relatively few people who see how the tide of marketing is changing (look at the success of the “Third Tribe” mentality), but that there are very few that take it as seriously as Johnny does.
And for kicks, he somehow also tosses in setting up Wordpress blogs, as an additional service. Like, being the funny blog setup guy, too.
He’s not forcing himself into a niche that he hates in order to make a few bucks, and he isn’t using hit and run tactics to churn customers. He actually over-delivers, which is something that any service provider can learn from.
The key here? Do something unique instead of copying everyone else.
2. NETWORK TO EXPAND YOUR CONNECTIONS.
Networks are paramount to the success of any business, and to that end, Johnny has become a master networker. The guy was a nobody just a year ago, and now he’s hanging out with all the cool kids. How’d he do it?
First, he actually put money on the line to buy IttyBiz’s $400 Online Business School course when he was starting out…something that a lot of new business owners would be afraid to do. Next, instead of simply using the course, he also got in touch with Naomi Dunford, who made the OBS course, and worked out a win/win mentor/protegee relationship…brilliant move. Lastly, he continued to develop new connections and leverage the ones he already had in order to expand his network. Guest posts and phone calls…next thing you know, he’s on top of the world.
Of course, this wouldn’t have worked as well if he wasn’t good, but to be quite honest, aggressive networking still sort of works…even if you suck. (Johnny’s note: What are you saying, Nathan? Dammit.)
3. KEEP TRYING UNTIL SOMETHING WORKS.
Some of you know that Johnny was a comedy blogger for a while, but because comedy readers prefer reading and then leaving to actually spending money, it just didn’t work out. Instead of quitting, Johnny found a way to combine his personality (humor) with another skill (consulting and tech help), and then used that combination to make money by simply being himself.
Now, he can laugh his way to the bank…just because he was willing to keep trying new things.
If you read through his archives (as I did, and as any guest poster should do), you’ll see that he mentions trying different taglines and branding options to see what resonated best with his audience. Eventually, he found a combination that worked.
Lesson learned…if you aren’t constantly trying new things, then you’ll have a hard time finding what works.
A Desperate Plea
Instead of ending this post with your typical summary paragraph and call to action, I’d like to beg Johnny to take some time off to let that bloody fist heal.
Johnny, you’re like that guy at the poker table that keeps going “all in.” It’s really hard for me to continue being lazy when you keep raising the stakes.
Besides, it’s Superbowl Sunday, and instead of drinking beer and stuffing my face…I’m writing a guest post. Where’s the love man? (Johnny’s note: I love you, man.)
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Nathan Hangen is a cool guy whose email signature proves that he’s just as all over the place as the guy who normally writes on this blog, so let’s just say that you should check out his blog and follow him on Twitter and kind of see which crazy places that takes you.
Neither I nor Tim Brownson are islands
This is a guest post by my fish-and-chips-eating life coach, Tim Brownson. In it, he explores many untruths about me and mocks me openly. Enjoy.
And because I know that some fools will take what Tim says literally, um… yeah, don’t take this too literally.
Oh, and one last thing: good fucking luck figuring out what the hell he is saying through all of the Britishisms. The use of 3-D glasses is suggested.
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No man is an island. I’m sure you’ve heard that expression many times and I’m here to tell you it’s a load of old bollocks. For instance, my mate Bob Island that works at NASA can say categorically and without any risk of contradiction, he is indeed an Island.
Still, John Donne (the dude that first wrote that quote) maybe could have said:
“You know what? We all rely on other people to a greater or lesser extent. Sure, some people work alone and shit like that, but they still need electricity, transportation and cheese. So therefore, they rely on others and thus, are connected.”
Admittedly it’s not as snappy as the original, and he’d probably have been burned at the stake for heresy, talking about electricity centuries before Al Gore invented it — but technically speaking it would have been more accurate.
I don’t think I’m breaking client confidentiality when I tell you that Truant was a mess when I first met him. A blubbering, incoherent shell of a man that fantasized about Zombies and had nightmares about naked women.
His fruit fly fetish that you will know about if you have been reading for any length of time was quite frankly out of control, and his finances had people from Enron wincing in pain and offering help.
Even though he was on his knees and only a haddocks dick away from living under a cardboard box and smelling of urine for the rest of his unfortunate life, he still had the wherewithal to call and beg me to coach him.
Of course I mocked him to begin with, but 5 hours of sobbing down the phone is enough to break down even the steeliest of resolves. So eventually I crumbled and agreed to take him on as a client under the strict condition that he never told a living soul. At that point he asked if he could tell his Zombie buddies and I told him to grow up.
Zombies have lips too you know.
Why we work together
You may be wondering what possessed me to take on a lunatic like Truant. That’s a fair question, and one my wife asked me several times when I was wandering around in a daze, muttering to myself and wearing a thousand-yard stare after our early sessions.
Bizarrely, I stuck with it due to a gut feeling — a gut feeling that this wreck of a human being actually had potential. Not lots of potential you understand — I mean he wasn’t going to become an ‘A’ list blogger or anything like that — but he had enough to make me think he wasn’t such a tool after all.
The fact is, Truant was hitting the phones begging half of the Internet to help him. It was months later that I found out I had listened to the same five hour tape of him weeping down the phone that everybody else had.
I also knew that if I could pull several rabbits out of one hat and help JT get where he wanted I would cement my place in the Life Coach Hall of Fame. Of course I’m a modest guy, (talk of me commissioning that 40 foot statue of myself was grossly exaggerated. It was actually only 25 feet and made of bronze, not gold) and helping Hobo Johnny was way more important than me getting myself on Oprah.
At this stage I have to point out that I cannot divulge the exact magical tricks and life coaching wizardry that I performed on the Truantmeister to drag him out of the gutter and turn him into the fine(ish) upstanding human being you see before you today. After all, if you knew what I knew you’d be me and then where would I go? Needless to say though, they worked.
I don’t want to make this post all about me (actually that’s not completely true. I would love to make it all about me, but I doubt it would get published and that would be a waste), so let you tell me about the man that is normally writing for you.
It would be easy to say, ‘That lucky fucker Truant — he has all sorts of people helping him. I hate his guts and would gladly punch him in the face” I know I have, many times.
I know why he’s such a lucky fucker though, and amazingly enough it’s not because he has a rabbits foot hanging round his neck. The reality is his luck emanates from working his tits off and being prepared to ask for help when he needs it without worrying that he’ll look like a total wuss.
It’s not rocket science as I said to Bob Island the other day. It is common sense, though. Although I’m sure you know what they say about common sense: it’s not that common.
My New York Times best selling book (in my mind) How To Be Rich and Happy tells people to ask for help, because that is what smart people do. Of course 90% of people will laugh in your face, but so what? You just move on to the next person and sooner or later somebody will say yes.
In fact, I’m in the process of trying to raise $1,000,000 to print up copies of How To Be Rich and Happy to give away to people that can’t afford it. Trust me — I need help, and I know most people will say “No.” Actually, that’s not true… they’ll say “Sounds like a great idea Tim, I’ll get back to you” and then vanish off the face of the earth, but it’s effectively the same thing.
Johnny can afford to pay me now, which is ironic seeing as we hardly work together anymore. He has done a truly stunning job of dragging himself up by the boot laces. You can too if you aren’t where you want to be, because you really are good enough.
Don’t fucking argue, you are, and that’s the end of it.
I probably don’t know you, but what I do know is that unless Bob from NASA is reading this, you’re not an island. It’s not rocket science and it’s not only ok to ask for help, it’s uber COOL to ask for help. Because guess what? That’s what the most successful people do. Asking for help is the new black, so just do it. But not from me, I’m full.
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Tim Brownson is absolutely the kind of life coach you want if you’re a cool person and enjoy British accents. If you do nothing else after reading this post, head over and read his goal post and get off your ass and help if you can. This is a man on a mission.
